May 31, 2017

Unpaid Intern Survives Three Days Without Food, Water, or Respect

LOWER MANHATTAN, NY— On Day 3 of living with no wage, unpaid intern Kyle Warner ’19 has somehow managed to sustain himself without food, water, or respect.

Responding to gnawing hunger and dehydration, Warner has learned to adapt to his hostile environment in order to remain standing. “Yesterday I foraged for dinner in the employee break room and stole Linda’s yogurt,” the resourceful student explained. “I’ll use the container to collect rainwater tonight, so I should be able to hold over until leftovers from the next office birthday party.”

Already, Warner has established himself among the other unpaid interns as a dominant force in the game with his “each man for his own” mentality. Charismatic enough to make friends and gain trust, the shrewd student has not hesitated to stab his competitors in the back if necessary.

“Getting assigned to help the secretary is ideal, since she usually keeps a bowl of candy out on her desk and sometimes if she’s feeling charitable she’ll give you a piece,” said Warner while filing contact information and trying to suppress the memories of four grueling semesters that led him to this coffee-boy position.

Despite being challenged physically and mentally with such high stakes, the formidable twenty-year-old is expected to survive for the remainder of these two months.

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