‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”  

Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of 2020 desperate to attain some semblance of a senior week, the campus has slowly begun to fill out with more members of the Cornell community. Delivering an address from the middle of the Botanic Gardens during an unclothed trek across the grounds, President Pollack gave some thoughts on the changes to campus and college.

“No one can ever predict the future, especially not in the middle of a pandemic, but it is always important to look on the bright side and find the little things to keep you going in the face of adversity.” Pollack said, her luscious body glistening in the afternoon light. “I know how positive these walks have been for me, but it is a testament to the Cornell spirit that we are able to adapt to whatever life throws at us,” the president continued, before letting out a long sigh and then reaching around to remove a leaf that had stuck itself to her bodacious behind.  

While the influx of students may pose a logistical challenge to the president’s walks, she has expressed her resourcefulness in adjusting her schedule for the future. “I look forward to seeing how I can continue to take my walks at night, with the cloak of nightfall the only cover my supple, bare flesh shall receive.”

Former Intern Eager to Apply Newly Obtained Coffee-Fetching Skills

After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia.

“The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed to quick critical thinking, like trying to figure out what to do when I spill half of my boss’s drink before it gets to her desk.”

The seasoned Starbucks-line-waiter has perfected the art of memorizing more than 20 different coffee orders from each person on his floor, including Diane’s venti skinny sugar-free vanilla latte with coconut milk and for the love of all things holy, hold the damn foam.

“I still remember the day I finally got Diane’s order right and she smiled at me in approval,” reminisced the former intern fondly. “I decided right there and then that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

Excited to brag to future employers about the responsibilities he shouldered at his internship, Reed updated his resume by adding “exceptional strategic planning” to his list of impressive skills.

Report: Holy Shit, It’s Wednesday

CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday.

“On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s Wednesday,” muttered a disoriented Lee as he clutched his 8 AM double shot espresso reserved for Monday mornings only. The perplexed intern paused his train of thought to count on his fingertips the number of days since he had last sat in his office desk, discovering that contrary to his predictions, “Shit, wow, it’s the middle of the week already.”

Evidence of today being Wednesday became clear when another intern chirped, “Well what are you up to this weekend?”, as if it were some near and impending event.

“Needless to say, these results were completely unexpected,” the stunned intern said.

Sources confirmed that Lee spent the remainder of the afternoon contemplating this surprising turn of events and continuing to run trials in disbelief, only to sluggishly return to his apartment that evening wondering how he ever survived a full week at work.

Unpaid Intern Survives Three Days Without Food, Water, or Respect

LOWER MANHATTAN, NY— On Day 3 of living with no wage, unpaid intern Kyle Warner ’19 has somehow managed to sustain himself without food, water, or respect.

Responding to gnawing hunger and dehydration, Warner has learned to adapt to his hostile environment in order to remain standing. “Yesterday I foraged for dinner in the employee break room and stole Linda’s yogurt,” the resourceful student explained. “I’ll use the container to collect rainwater tonight, so I should be able to hold over until leftovers from the next office birthday party.”

Already, Warner has established himself among the other unpaid interns as a dominant force in the game with his “each man for his own” mentality. Charismatic enough to make friends and gain trust, the shrewd student has not hesitated to stab his competitors in the back if necessary.

“Getting assigned to help the secretary is ideal, since she usually keeps a bowl of candy out on her desk and sometimes if she’s feeling charitable she’ll give you a piece,” said Warner while filing contact information and trying to suppress the memories of four grueling semesters that led him to this coffee-boy position.

Despite being challenged physically and mentally with such high stakes, the formidable twenty-year-old is expected to survive for the remainder of these two months.

Intern Misses Being Paid To Sit on Ass All Day

COLLEGETOWN – After leaving his internship at Microsoft and starting his fall semester, rising senior Ross Silversmith reportedly misses being paid to sit on his ass all day at work now that he’s back at school sitting on his ass and earning no money.

“I miss my time as an intern on a stipend, when I would do absolutely nothing and take extended coffee breaks,” Silversmith shared. “One easy way to get out of having to do stuff was to set your calendar to busy and then just go and sleep in a different section of the office. Making twenty dollars an hour doing that all summer sure was a blast.”

When asked about problems with his internship, Silversmith commented, “Sometimes, people at work would want me to do stuff, but I didn’t know how to do that stuff. So I would tell one of my supervisors I needed help, but in the end they would just do the job for me. It was a pretty valuable experience, and I even made some decent cash!”

Silversmith did eventually have to give an end of the summer presentation on his progress, so he presented on his favorite memes from the Facebook chat he was on during most of his recorded hours.

Student at Summer Internship Drops Fourth Hint of Day That He Goes to Cornell

MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — Hoping to remind his fellow interns of his intellectual superiority, Cornell rising Sophomore Danny Harris dropped his fourth hint of the day that he goes to Cornell University while working at startup this summer.

Harris, who is currently in the process of transferring from ILR to AEM, was heard telling people that although the office was cold, the place he goes to school was “much much colder.” After looking around and seeing that no one within earshot took the bait, Harris quickly followed up with a much louder “yeah, upstate New York in the wintertime can get pretty cold, especially when you’re far above Cayuga’s Waters.”

Kelly Martinez, a fellow intern of Harris’, said that while  “all the interns know Danny goes to Cornell, we just don’t need to have it shoved in our faces all the time. Some of us go to other good schools too, and, for certain reasons, couldn’t attend an Ivy League School like Danny. Plus, he’s always asking why the office vending machine won’t take his BRBs, like we’re supposed to know what that is.”

After realizing that his hints were not being recognized, Harris decided to wear his Cornell Vineyard Vines belt and bring his Cornell coffee mug and ILR water bottle to work tomorrow for all to see.

Sophomore Acing Summer Classes, Failing Summer

OLIN HALL — Finishing up yet another assignment for his Introduction to Python course, rising sophomore Jordan Noble is acing his summer classes while, at the same time, failing at summer vacation.

“The course is going really well, I love the professor and the homeworks are pretty fun!” said Noble as all his peers were off at the beach enjoying themselves and their free time.

Noble, who self-imposed responsibility and academic stress on himself for six weeks of what would otherwise be a carefree break from school, is allegedly content to study in the library on such a hot, sunny day like today.

“I was invited to a pool party with some cool people,” added Noble, “but honestly I’m so close to finishing this assignment. There will be plenty of time for pool parties when I’m not in the prime of my youth.”

After finishing off his Arts & Sciences math distribution requirement at the end of the summer, Noble plans to go back to his loving parents and younger sister at his childhood home for two weeks, where he will study for the MCAT until school starts again.

Big Red Wagon Train Headin’ Out West

ITHACA TRAIL – After a long and arduous academic year, dozens of Cornellians have decided to pack up and head on West in search of prosperity and a new life for their kinfolk this summer.

“I heard there’s better opportunities out yonder,” pondered Charlie O’Brien 17’, as he was adjusting the iron skein of his wagon bed, “I heard that you can see the sun every day out in Californee’, and tech and start-up jobs just be aboundin’ out the valleys from the brim.”

Hopes of a promised-land out West have led many Cornellians to renounce their allegiance to Ithaca, and join O’Brien’s Big Red wagon train in search for their hope and big dreams of becoming the next fancyman like Mark Zuckerberg.

“Wise ole’ Charlie be a leadin’ us to new lands of unlimited start-up venture capital,” said Sammie Todd ’18, churning her butter strainer in preparation for the 5 ½ hour flight, “I just know out in Californee’ we gonna get funded.”

O’Brien and his disciples soon turned around after discovering the price of average San Francisco apartments on Zillow.

CU Nooz’s Guide to Storing Your Stuff Over Summer Where Stupid Nick Can’t Borrow It Without Asking

This article was sponsored by EzraBox, a student peer-to-peer storage startup that helps find affordable and easy storage options for summer.

It’s almost time for summer break, which means students all over campus are looking for a place to store their belongings in a place where my inconsiderate roommate Nick won’t be able to touch their stuff for the next three months. Here’s a helpful guide on where you can store your belongings over the summer safely, where Nick can’t get to them.

  1. A friend’s apartment, but definitely not Kelsey’s – Chances are you know someone sticking around over the summer, so definitely ask them if they could keep your things at their place. Just don’t ask Kelsey, because I’m pretty sure her and Nick are hooking up, and I bet he wouldn’t think twice using my, I don’t know, goddam toothpaste without asking me first like he does all the time in our Cascadilla dorm.
  1. A storage locker outside of town – This seems a little extreme, for sure, but since there’s only one key and the locker is in a remote location the chances that someone, Nick, could make it all the way out there and use MY FUCKING TOWELS WITHOUT LETTING ME KNOW.
  1. Some lame storage company, as long as you-know-who isn’t working there this summer – What many see as a helpful service to students is actually a haven for moochers who would have no problem using your razor and then not even washing it afterwards, not that they asked in the first place. No names. No names.
  1. My side of the room, dude – Not that it matters to anyone, I guess.
  1. Some trustworthy peer-to-peer storage solution – The good people at student run companies like EzraBox don’t give a goddamn what Nick wants and certainly won’t let him take and then STRETCH OUT my favorite sweater. Like, Nick, you knew that was a birthday present. Christ, I just wanted a cool year with a cool roommate who wasn’t an asshole and just buys his own Gilmore Girls VHS boxset and not borrow mine without rewinding it. It’s just really inconsiderate, you know?

That’s all I’m saying.

That Guy Dan From High School Still Alive

NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today.

“Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you had previously forgotten about. He is doing well and working at his dad’s clothing store this summer.

Even though you haven’t actually thought about the fact that Dan was out there somewhere in the world since you both graduated from John Jay Senior High School back in 2013, it was at the very least interesting to talk to him for those two minutes in the checkout line.

Sources report that you haven’t felt this excited since your mother told you that her friend Meredith’s son started law school last fall.