CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.” Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…
After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia. “The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed to quick critical thinking, like…
CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday. “On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s…
LOWER MANHATTAN, NY— On Day 3 of living with no wage, unpaid intern Kyle Warner ’19 has somehow managed to sustain himself without food, water, or respect. Responding to gnawing hunger and dehydration, Warner has learned to adapt to his hostile environment in order to remain standing. “Yesterday I foraged for dinner in the employee…
COLLEGETOWN – After leaving his internship at Microsoft and starting his fall semester, rising senior Ross Silversmith reportedly misses being paid to sit on his ass all day at work now that he’s back at school sitting on his ass and earning no money. “I miss my time as an intern on a stipend, when…
MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — Hoping to remind his fellow interns of his intellectual superiority, Cornell rising Sophomore Danny Harris dropped his fourth hint of the day that he goes to Cornell University while working at startup this summer. Harris, who is currently in the process of transferring from ILR to AEM, was heard telling people that…
OLIN HALL — Finishing up yet another assignment for his Introduction to Python course, rising sophomore Jordan Noble is acing his summer classes while, at the same time, failing at summer vacation. “The course is going really well, I love the professor and the homeworks are pretty fun!” said Noble as all his peers were…
ITHACA TRAIL – After a long and arduous academic year, dozens of Cornellians have decided to pack up and head on West in search of prosperity and a new life for their kinfolk this summer. “I heard there’s better opportunities out yonder,” pondered Charlie O’Brien 17’, as he was adjusting the iron skein of his…
This article was sponsored by EzraBox, a student peer-to-peer storage startup that helps find affordable and easy storage options for summer. It’s almost time for summer break, which means students all over campus are looking for a place to store their belongings in a place where my inconsiderate roommate Nick won’t be able to touch…
NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you…
