“Then Came Locusts, Vermin, and Wild Beasts!” Says Review of Collegetown Apartment

STEWART AVE—Beset with an infestation the likes of which have not been seen since the Old Testament, Collegetown resident Andrew Blum ‘24 took to the internet to voice his frustrations. While Blum’s apartment is both spacious and luxurious, especially when compared to other Collegetown rentals, the veritable menagerie of non-human residents forced him to lower his overall rating to 4/5 stars.

“I mean the bathtub’s fabulous, but right now there’s an octopus in there,” explained Blum. “My mattress is pretty comfortable but the termites have just about chewed through my bedframe, so I’m kinda worried about crushing the family of toads who live underneath it. I’d relocate them to the sink if I wasn’t already using it for the Pit Viper,” continued Blum, cracking open a 100-pack of mousetraps. “I could really use my roommates’ help on this one, but Bryan got eaten by the Staircase Tiger last week and the Giant Kitchen Spider caught Tyler this morning, so I’m on my own.”

Though the apartment’s newly appointed Rat King has cordoned off Blum’s living room, he considers himself lucky that the “premium property” features a working toilet, lockable door, and only three species of cockroach. A quick twenty minute walk from Uris Hall, the apartment’s prime location nearly cancels out the fact that all the lightbulbs have been replaced with tiny beehives.

Multiple emails to Blum’s landlord, Katie Farrow, have made little headway towards removing the ever-growing maze of gopher tunnels within his walls. After informing Farrow that one roommate was actively being eaten alive, Blum received the following reply: “have boils, can’t come by today. Will text Aaron from maintenance [sic].”

As of publication, the recent vacancy in Blum’s apartment has already been filled. After two friends of his woke up to find every faucet in their home running red with blood, they were more than happy to relocate to Blum’s apartment in order to live somewhere “halfway decent.”

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