NOOZ VIEWZ | The Editorial Board Endorses John McNair
This weekend, hundreds of high-achieving high-schoolers, as well as low-achieving high-schoolers under a lot of parental pressure, descended on campus. They have aspirations of coming together to solve pressing global issues like hunger, poverty, and some of that icky tricky Middle-East stuff at the annual Model UN Conference on Campus.
But before the brilliant international policy-making can begin, these young students have a choice to make. Who among them is intelligent enough, strong yet soulful enough, sexy-without-their-glasses enough to be elected Secretary General?
One candidate, John McNair, fits the bill. McNair has it all: charisma, intellect, and a sick pair of sunglasses he wears even when it’s cloudy. We know he’ll ace the job, and damn it, he’ll look cool doing it.
Some people may say it’s not the place of an acclaimed college satire paper to take a stand on a high school model UN conference election. But we disagree. This campus is our home. We eat here, we sleep here, we accept bribes in exchange for endorsements here!
The ramifications of this election will echo across the (model) globe. If you think you don’t need to care about this, just wait until Junkyard Jenny Graham (Junior, Great Oak High School) is screwing up the whole (model) world!
NOOZ VIEWZ | Some Clarifications for The Dummies!
We are being personally harassed for our endorsement of John McNair. You people are immature, disgusting, and we hate you. The thing is, you actually just don’t understand what an editorial is, you fucking bricks!
It is VITALLY important that the Cornell campus understands the deliberative process that goes into writing CU Nooz editorials. This is because if you do not understand our process you may decide not to care about our opinions, which, for many of us, is a fate worse than death.
Only the Editor-in-Chief, Vice President of Controversy, and Associate Editor of Associate Editing contribute to CU Nooz editorials. Furthermore, every potential editorial is submitted for divine approval by the holy deity that we pray to at all our meetings. And he said it was great! So stop whining.
And another thing. Stop assuming that one editorial represents the opinions of every CU Nooz writer! Many of our staff were vocal supporters and even openly campaigned for Junkyard Jenny. We respect them less than the other staff members, but they’re still allowed to write here!
CU Nooz has been a slimy, self-interest driven organization for over 10 years. Accepting bribes in exchange for endorsements is just one important way that we keep our bagel budget stocked.
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