KENNEDY HALL—Professor Ray Farrow’s 11:00am biology lecture failed to conclude on time today despite a seemingly biblical intervention of frogs and locusts enveloping the auditorium. While the entrapped students pleaded with the course instructor to stop the class at the scheduled time, Professor Farrow could not be dissuaded by the barrage of amphibian interruptions.
“He just kept talking about this ‘really good YouTube video’ that he needed to show,” recalled Sam Levi ‘25, brushing locust limbs off his pant leg. “This thing was six minutes long and I couldn’t hear a word of it between all the croaking and buzzing. Professor Farrow just kept grinning at the screen and saying ‘That’s a really great point.’”
As the locusts began to crawl up Farrow’s tweed jacket, he proclaimed that “the frogs will probably eat the locusts,” and proceeded to the subsequent slide of his PowerPoint presentation. When Farrow’s lecture was momentarily delayed by a torrent of hail falling from the ceiling vent, he promptly sidestepped the new hazard and continued his explanation of the kinesin processive motor.
“I haven’t been on time to my next class once this semester,” said Hannah Lais ‘24. “When the frogs started coming out from under the seats, I was hopeful we might finally get out of here. I don’t think Professor Farrow even noticed, he was too busy trying to see if anyone wanted to ask him a question. No one ever asks any questions. The locusts were useless too, he just kept explaining how the current slide was ‘super critical for the next exam.’ I don’t think he knows how to read a clock.”
The students’ confinement came to an end after all the lights in the room suddenly went out, leaving the auditorium in total darkness and permitting the captives to flee. Professor Farrow then proceeded to present an additional ten lecture slides before graciously dismissing the empty classroom.
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.”
“How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense capabilities if I’m not allowed to take careful notes on their gravest weaknesses, stalk their homes for potential entry points, memorize their daily schedules, and then pounce when they least expect it?” noted an exasperated Ladin. “Also, this has been in the syllabus all semester so I don’t know why it was a surprise.”
Several students have protested that the class material did not adequately prepare them for some aspects of the attack. “He literally busted down my apartment door, kicked me directly in the face, and yelled, ‘You’ve been John-ed, dumbass!’ None of that was on the study guide,” complained Max Green ‘23.
“I actually did read the syllabus so I knew this was coming, but it was already past the drop deadline and I’d honestly rather get my shit rocked than take a W on my transcript,” admitted Amy Price ‘24. “I’m really not sure how I did, but I heard one kid just curled up in a fetal position and started crying for his mommy, so I’m hoping it’s graded on a curve”
In response to complaints from students, VP Ryan Lombardi defended Ladin’s actions, writing, “We take great pride in the rigor of our coursework. Cornell is a world-class institution dedicated to preparing its students for anything life may throw at them, including a 4 am haymaker to the scapula. If these students can handle John’s violent attempt at their physical safety, we’ll know the university is doing its job.”
LIBE SLOPE—In an unabashed declaration of disregard for your safety, the “No Winter Maintenance” signs across campus have been revised to say “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch.”
The change, unaccompanied by a statement from administration, has received a variety of reactions from students.
“You know what? I gotta appreciate their honesty,” said Gustavo Lanza ‘23, “It’s like if you’re gonna actively root for my physical demise at least give it to me straight. Don’t tip-toe around the fact that there is black ice and that you are intentionally leaving it there for me to hurt myself.”
“I’ve been more careful recently, actually. I think them effectively telling their message to always be vigilant of the people who want to see you suffer. It’s a well-placed, lovely little threat,” said Margaret Paul ‘22, “Make me terrified to be alive, in a state of constant arousal. In fact, I think it has put a fire under my ass to do better. Be better. No matter what it takes. Because if I don’t, I might lose my balance and hit the ground hard. But that’s why I wear my boots. They have lots of traction.”
“Haven’t they always said that?” wondered Wendy Langmore ‘24, “Or I guess not that exactly, it used to say ‘Warning: Ice Cold Snow’ or something. As long as it gets the message that it’s slippery and that they’re not gonna do anything about it across I think it’s fine. It’s comforting to know that if I belly flop on the concrete, someone will be watching.”
The change follows the recent addition of an immersive speaker system embedded around the slope playing sound clips of reversed audio of little girls whispering and wolves howling ghostly cries between the hours of 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM.
LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention.
“It’s getting pretty hairy over here,” explained Low Rise 7 resident Martin Beale ‘25, wielding a broomstick to defend himself from the dorm’s winged invaders. “I’ve tried filing maintenance requests, but I can’t even find ‘Low Rise 7’ in the list of serviceable regions. So for now we have to adapt, just like with the dorm’s other quirks; I take hair out of the shower drain with a tiny rake, I leave my door shut to keep in heat, and I wear a motorcycle helmet to sleep so that the bats don’t bite me in the face.”
The university has been quick to address issues in other dorms, but remains negligent to their unwanted middle child of a residence hall. While a quick and thorough statement was made regarding the string of arsons last semester, no comment was made a week earlier when a mad scientist attempted to turn all of the Low Rise 7 residents into duck-people.
“Actually, the bats are fine,” stated a noticeably paler Beale, wrapped in a large red cloak. “The real issue on campus is the garlic bread. It’s everywhere, and it’s vile. Forget about the bats, no really, forget them, and get rid of that damnable garlic abomination.”
At press time, all of the shades in Low Rise 7 had been drawn, and a host of residents were seen outside of Low Rise 6 asking for permission to enter the premises.
BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics.
“It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team captain Caroline Jessup ‘15. “I even skipped the medal ceremony to come back to Ithaca and congratulate the boys myself. What’s one more medal, right?”
Cornell hockey fans from all over were quick to show their excitement for the Men’s team demolishing Union College this past weekend, despite the Women’s team also demolishing Union College this past weekend and having performed similarly well to the Men’s team this season with little to no recognition.
“I’ve always been a sucker for a good underdog story,” said Alyssa Hart ‘22, two-time Olympian and ECAC champion. “It gives me hope that one day they too will make it to the Olympics.”
As of press time, the price of Men’s Hockey tickets quadrupled while the price of Women’s Hockey tickets decreased to $0.
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering.
“At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25 remembered, “but then I noticed his shirt and realized, ‘Oh this guy is just an asshole.’ So you can imagine my shock when I later learned that they don’t exclusively give out those shirts to white guys who take fifteen seconds to decide whether or not to hold the door to Duffield open for you even though you’re only walking one pace behind them and now there’s a whole line of people waiting to get inside while he internally praises himself for being both a Gentleman™ and a Feminist™.”
During Monday’s zoom lecture, Carter made an effort to sit chest first in front of his camera in an effort to show off that he was, in fact, an engineer and looked like one. Carter also often unmuted to incorrectly correct the professor’s math and, during breakout rooms, personally invited each one of his peers to turn their cameras on too.
“I just think it’s my job, as a Caucasian male, to provide an inclusive environment for my less advantageous peers to speak out and release their burden,” Carter explained. “After all, if I don’t personally talk to all the women in my class, do I truly have the right to bear the insignia of the Cornell engineer in this manner? Do I disrespect the name and honor of my school if I don’t speak up for the masses about the mathematical misinformation being spread by the establishment? Must I be the one emblem of equality in an unfair world?”
By Wednesday’s class, Carter had already dropped the course and become a business major, claiming a desire to “take on a new challenge where I can touch more people’s lives” and shrugging off allegations that a horrendous GPA was to blame.
ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department.
“Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but nothing will ever give me the sexual supercharge of hearing his simultaneously raspy and wet voice, like a naked man belly crawling through damp grass or an old woman sucking sand through a straw. I tried listening to recordings of my grandpa on his deathbed, but he kept talking about shit like being ‘proud of me’ instead of incisive commentary on American consumerism. What a waste.”
With no end to the Spotify stalemate in sight, the students have been forced to find other ways to announce to the world that they have deeply boring daddy issues, such as wearing band t-shirts, not shampooing their shoulder-length hair, and insisting that vinyl sounds “so much warmer.”
“Without basing my personality entirely around the sense of superiority that comes from getting a rock hard boner from a vocal style best described as ‘clammy,’ I don’t know what to do with myself,” complained Lancaster. “My dad and I had a conversation that wasn’t about music for the first time in years, and it turns out we have nothing in common! If I can’t offload my feelings onto a vaguely sad four-chord guitar song right now, I might have to genuinely process my emotions about this.”
In response to suggestions that they purchase Neil Young’s discography, thus monetarily supporting the artist for the first time in their lives, the philosophy majors were seen begrudgingly adding “Blowin’ in the Wind” to their playlists instead.
DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days.
“Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students whether they were safe to socialize two weeks ago or if they have exposed their entire social circle to COVID, with an astonishing 67% accuracy. We believe these sluggish tests will be key to reopening campus within the next fourteen years.”
Unlike the sluggish tests, President Pollack moved quickly to shut down criticism of the new testing regimen.
“Many students have asked why we would switch to sluggish tests when there are faster and more accurate COVID tests available,” the email continued. “In the interest of providing students with a sense of stability in this unpredictable pandemic, we have decided to lower COVID testing to the level of the rest of our ineffective and bogged-down healthcare system. Additionally, the money saved on tests can go to more urgent matters, such as our seventh continuous semester of construction on North Campus.”
The email concluded by cautioning students that due to server outages at Cayuga Medical Center, students may not receive their results for up to three months.
IVES HALL—Professor Parker Wallace was taken aback early Monday morning when he received an email that each student in his Introduction To Organizational Behavior class had already completed their anonymous online course evaluation. Spending a few minutes perusing their comments over a cup of coffee, Wallace reached the very last without any notable criticisms. It was when the final evaluation that made his heart go thumpitty-thump-thump. “Jingle Bells, This Professor Smells!” wrote an unnamed student to begin their evaluation of Wallace’s teaching.
“Never in my 16 years of teaching at this school have I received a review like this,” said Wallace, before continuing, “This wasn’t an off-the-cuff remark. This was a deliberately constructed evisceration of my teaching style,” pulling up all 25 pages of the student’s holly jolly manifesto, one for each day of Christmas.
Much like toys in Santa’s workshop, the criticisms just kept coming. With scathing lines such as “Ho, Ho, Horrible Professor” and “Would not recommend this course to ANYBODY, even if they’re on the naughty list,” Wallace was roasted more thoroughly than chestnuts on an open fire. The veteran ILR professor seemed more confused about the origin of the student’s qualms than anything.
“Listen to this: ‘Professor Wallace couldn’t see my hand in the back of the lecture hall if he had Rudolph’s red nose guiding him to my seat.’ What the hell does that even mean? It’s a 25-person course; I know all of my students by name.”
Wallace, who does not celebrate Christmas, did admit that after reading the student’s not so jolly letter that he felt that his heart shrank three sizes that day.
ROCKEFELLER HALL—After a semester in which the bulk of the material was pushed to the last few days of class, Professor James Kent ‘88 has decided the best solution is to just assume all his students know it anyways and put it all in the final exam.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to this material in class,” explained Professor Kent to his Monday Economics section. “But these six chapters are no more dense than the six chapters we covered in the three months prior to now. Therefore, we should have no trouble skimming through all six in one fifty-minute lecture, holding one office hours section, and then basing sixty percent of your grade on that knowledge I never taught.”
Professor Kent then moved on to a lecture in which he, at the speed of a freshman sprinting across the Arts Quad, described in vague detail everything from GDP calculation to Philips curves to applications of economic theory to modern politics. Students furiously scribbled in notebooks as the professor casually mentioned concepts on which he would base entire free response questions on the class’s cumulative exam in one week.
“Honestly, I got about a third of that,” admitted Matthew Kroger ‘25. “He lost me at the inflation stuff, and I had no idea what to make of the whole Krebs cycle thing. I think he accidentally started teaching us biology there for a few minutes, but I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with supply and demand? Seriously, is this what college is? Like, sure, I haven’t shown up to most of my sections, but I expected better from a tenured professor.” At the time, Professor Kent was giving a one-minute overview of game theory, a topic that would make up about a third of the final exam.
Asked to comment, Professor Kent stated that he is aware that the grades on the final will likely be abysmal, but that he was planning on curving everyone’s grade to a C+ anyways.