Category Archives: Cornell

Econ Student Condescendingly Explains Why We Can’t Just Print More Big Red Bucks

STATLER HOTEL—When a date at Terrace led his girlfriend to ask why administration simply couldn’t increase the number of Big Red Bucks included in meal plans, one Cornell Econ student burst into a histrionic rant that this would surely cause the destruction of the Cornell economy.  “Of course they can’t Read More

Campus to Introduce Permanent Patch Of Dirt With A Few Trucks On It

ARTS QUAD—In an announcement that sent shockwaves throughout campus, President Martha Pollack unveiled construction plans for a new dusty home for minimally labeled and questionably permitted trucks in the middle of the arts quad. “We really wanted to spruce up the place,” wrote Pollack in her Monday morning email, “I Read More

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is Read More

“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls Read More

Jewish Student with Final During Hanukkah Develops Anxiety Stomachache That Burned for All Eight Nights

CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday. “Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I Read More

Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 Announced as Keynote Speaker on Topics in Economics

DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester. “Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell Read More

Hometown Tinder Reveals Just How Much of an Elitist Fuck Student Has Become

When Richard Pierce ’24 hopped on Tinder after returning home for Thanksgiving break, his visceral disdain upon seeing girls that went to the local State school revealed that he had, in fact, become a private university trust fund elitist piece of shit.  “It’s just, I’ve had a different type of Read More

Hookup Not Long Enough to Catch COVID or Make Her Orgasm

WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a Read More

OP-ED: What Does it Mean That My Zoom Crush Made His Bed Today?

Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Read More