Sophomore Acing Summer Classes, Failing Summer

OLIN HALL — Finishing up yet another assignment for his Introduction to Python course, rising sophomore Jordan Noble is acing his summer classes while, at the same time, failing at summer vacation.

“The course is going really well, I love the professor and the homeworks are pretty fun!” said Noble as all his peers were off at the beach enjoying themselves and their free time.

Noble, who self-imposed responsibility and academic stress on himself for six weeks of what would otherwise be a carefree break from school, is allegedly content to study in the library on such a hot, sunny day like today.

“I was invited to a pool party with some cool people,” added Noble, “but honestly I’m so close to finishing this assignment. There will be plenty of time for pool parties when I’m not in the prime of my youth.”

After finishing off his Arts & Sciences math distribution requirement at the end of the summer, Noble plans to go back to his loving parents and younger sister at his childhood home for two weeks, where he will study for the MCAT until school starts again.

Frats Agree to Split Cost of Tanker Truck of Beer for Pledge

TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester.

“I know this is sorta making history, and it was mostly my idea,” Frederick Carlson ’16 said, laying a hand on the side of the truck. “The hardest part was ordering a keg that’s 2,000 times the size of a normal one. Hopefully we’ll have enough beer to keep the new pledges constantly blacked-out.”

As the mega-keg arrived at the Epsilon Upsilon annex, one anxious freshman observed the scene. Said Jackson Morris ‘19, “I’m sure it’ll be worth pledging… I’m pretty sure… But that’s a lot of beer. I heard they’re gonna make us swim in that thing.”

“We spent hours calling truck companies, and Brad could barely attach the tap to the semi– but it’s all worth it for that moment you grab a ladder to do the most epic kegstand of your life,” Carlson said.