DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…
EDDY STREET—There is little more sacred and unchanging in this world than the duty of a new Fraternity Pledge to clean up after a party. Unfortunately for Hayden Mendoza ‘27, his fraternity decided to end the year with a “tropical-themed” bash. As soon as the stumbling mass of Hawaiian shirts faded into the distance, Mendoza…
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…
KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses. Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
Hoping for a shot at joining the elites of Cornell, Michael White ‘26 entered the alluring seating area of Temple of Zeus. As the unspoken meeting place for aesthetically blessed students, the radiant marble tables glistened seductively as he passed. But White stirred up trouble when he attempted to find an available seat, eliciting shock…
MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…
BAILEY HALL – On Saturday, Slope Day organizers aimed to distract the Cornell community from the recent student housing catastrophe by revealing the long-awaited Slope Day Lineup. However, this announcement was received poorly by some community members, who viewed the organizers’ decision to bring Flo Rida of “My House” fame to campus as a cruel…
The Cornell University Class of 2024 are the only undergraduate students on campus old enough to remember being kicked out of their dorms due to the pandemic, let back in again, kicked off again, and then let back in again, and finally kicked off one final time. Any proper senior send-off allows graduating students to…
