Tag Archives: campus life

Cornell Decreases Printing Prices from $0.09 to $0.08 to Alleviate Financial Burden of Low-Income Students

DAY HALL—Cornell issued a university-wide mandate lowering the price of printing by one whole cent, aiming to make an Ivy League education more accessible to students suffering from financial difficulties. Hugh Lipton, head of the Cornell’s Office of Undergraduate Financial Aid, emphasized in the report the “importance of expanding access Read More

‘Insecure’ Actor to Perform for Insecure Students

This post is sponsored by Cornell University Program Board (CUPB). Amanda Seales will be performing stand-up at this Saturday, November 3 at 7pm in Statler Auditorium! Tickets are on sale for $5 at cornellconcerts.com. STATLER HALL—Capitalizing upon the success of her role in HBO’s Insecure, Amanda Seales is set to Read More

Sickly, Depressing Vegetation Lets Returning Student Know She’s Almost Back to Cornell After Break

NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break. “Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t Read More

200-Student Lecture Held Hostage By Yet Another Question From Kevin

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Monday’s already droll introduction to anthropology lecture grinded to a halt yet again due to another one of Kevin’s pedantic questions. To the annoyance of the entire class, the question launched the formerly on-topic professor into a complete and thorough examination of the various hypothetical scenarios and well Read More

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this Read More

Student Badly Misjudges Discomfort of Doing Homework Under a Tree

ARTS QUAD—Jumping at the chance to enjoy warm weather in Ithaca, sophomore Ilka Piebald’s excitement quickly turned to dismay after realizing that doing homework outside under a tree actually kinda sucks. “Within two minutes, she was squirming from the discomfort of the oak’s prickly bark against her supple back,” commented Read More

Hip 80-Year-Old Professor Totally Dug “Revengers: Infinite Kerfuffle”

MORRILL HALL—Earlier today, Professor A. Maximus Swaddlebottom sauntered into his 10:10am lecture this morning, claiming he was “totally stoked, fellas” about the previous weekend’s release of The Avengers: Infinity War. “Yeah, I went into it thinking that the Angry Raisinet Man was probably gonna try to eat the moon, but Read More

Martha Pollack Slides Into Back Seat at Administration Meeting After Eating Fat Edible

DAY HALL—Cornell University President Martha Pollack sneakily slipped into the back row of April 20th’s Administration meeting after ingesting a 70mg pot brownie, hoping no one would realize she was baked out of her mind. “Shit shit shit shit shit,” Pollack said discretely, aware that someone would probably call on Read More