Tag Archives: campus life

“I Could’ve Done Better” Reports Friend Group Jokester After Comedy Show

This post is sponsored by The Skits. Come see The Skits Present: Family Dinner, Friday, December 1st at 8:30pm in Statler auditorium. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com STATLER AUDITORIUM—After a rousing comedy sketch show,classic friend group jokester Freddie Huang ‘18 reported that, in his Read More

Student Praised by Relatives at Thanksgiving Secretly Failing Class

BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Read More

Dining Hall Introduces Tasteless, Under-Spiced Version of Treasured Ethnic Cuisine

WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has Read More

Cornell Cinema Supporter Celebrates Continued Funding by Attending First Movie There

CORNELL CINEMA—After weeks of mobilizing students to save Cornell Cinema, Simone Ellis ‘19 reacted to the S.A. and Administration’s agreement to establish secure Cinema funding by purchasing movie tickets for the first time. “Cornell Cinema is one of the best benefits of attending this school, so of course I was Read More

Report: 80% of Football Fans No Longer Committed to Weekly Google Search of Game Results

COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past Read More

Cornell Football in First Place after 3 TD, 4 CTE Win over Princeton

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun PRINCETON, N.J. – Cornell finds itself in first place in the Ivy League after scoring three touchdowns and four life-altering brain injuries to defeat their rival Princeton. After nailing the game-winning field goal, kicker Ricky Fleming ’20 told reporters, “This team does whatever it Read More

Steve Forbes to Give Quote of the Day During Campus Speech

CALL AUDITORIUM—Steve Forbes, Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine, is expected to impart a previously unreleased Forbes Quote of the Day on the audience at his Wednesday speech on Cornell’s campus. “I always love seeing inspirational quotes from figures such as Mark Zuckerberg and Whoopi Goldberg while I wait to read the Read More

Apple Fest To Offer Apple-Scented Candles for Sad Fasting Jews

THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews. “We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating Read More