Tag Archives: campus life

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life.  “My dad used to tell me Read More

Panicked Student Relieved After Googling “Is Urine Burning A COVID Symptom?”

MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It Read More

Only Woman In Comp. Sci. Class Turns Down Fourth Invitation To Play Dungeons and Dragons This Week

RICHMOND, VA—In a devastating blow to the egos of students who watch Big Bang Theory, Alicia Iturbide ‘22, the sole female student in CS 4200,  has denied her fourth invitation to play Dungeons and Dragons this week. “Turning Carl down was kind of a no-brainer, to be honest,” Iturbide said Read More

Student’s Fifteen Spotify Wrapped Screenshots Reveal Favorite Artists as well as Massive God Complex

COLLEGETOWN—As time continues to pass following Spotify’s December 2 release of its individualized 2020 Wrapped feature, many continue to take to social media with their top songs and artists. Among them is self-proclaimed champion of music, Jared Wilson ‘22, who opted to add a whopping fifteen “Year in Review” screenshots Read More

“I Need A New Frank Ocean Album,” Says Student Who Actually Just Needs To Get Over His Ex

TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid Read More

Freshman Departs Campus For Winter Break With Box Of Condoms Still Unopened

DONLON HALL—Per sources close to the situation, the bulk-sized box of condoms purchased in August by freshman Isaac Moore at a Costco remained completely unused at the onset of winter break three months later. “When I first moved in, he showed me the box of rubbers almost immediately and asked Read More

Fraternities Concerned Cornell’s Switch to Green Status Might Make Them Appear Socially Responsible

WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life. “Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, Read More

Ice Hockey and, uhh, Some Other Sports Cancelled, We Think

TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well. “We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as Read More

Campus Excited for Three-to-Four Months Long Election Night

COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months. “I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would Read More

5,000 Surveillance Tests Per Day No Match for Geoff and Stacey from Montgomery, AL

HO PLAZA—Despite conducting tens of thousands of tests for Covid-19 every week, Cornell Health‘s efforts paled in comparison to the threat posted by tourists Geoff and Stacey Vanderblum from Montgomery, Alabama. “I’m not about to let some little flu ruin my life forever,” said a maskless Mr. Vanderblum, 59, while Read More