Tag Archives: campus life

Plum Tree Workers Stockpile Saké Bombs in Anticipation of Formal Season

PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm.  “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every Read More

“Come On In!” Olin Librarian Encourages as Wrecking Ball Smashes Through Circulation Desk

OLIN LIBRARY — Librarians at Olin Library are reportedly still enthusiastic about getting students to use their library  despite current construction actively destroying their workplace.. “We’re really excited about the new renovations going on here,” said librarian Dana Holcomb ‘89, gesturing to the crushed wreck that once was the circulation Read More

Cornell’s Dietary Guidelines Recommend 12 Daily Servings of PepsiCo Products

PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day. “Many young adults find out that college is the time to Read More

Mock Trial Team Excited by Prospect of Real Lawsuit

DAY HALL — Following recent hazing allegations, members of Cornell Mock Trial are eagerly anticipating the potential for legal action. “We practice our courtroom skills for competitions all year, but we never get to do any real lawyer stuff,” said club President Michael Saks ‘20. “If we get the chance Read More

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS.  With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed Read More

Stupid Fuck Still Thinks He’s Getting Free Printing

OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing. “I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free Read More

Animal Science Major Only Does It Doggy Style

MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just Read More

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C.  “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Read More

Krispy Kreme Surpasses SAFC as Main Body Responsible for Funding Clubs

DUFFIELD HALL — According to student treasurers, clubs and societies at Cornell now attribute a majority of their incoming revenue to Krispy Kreme donut sales as opposed to their allocated budget from the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC). Citing denied budget requests and stringent requirements, various clubs have decided that Read More

RA Dutifully JA’s Self After Bringing Alcohol Back to Dorm Room

DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room. “It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a Read More