Tag Archives: campus life

Club Member’s Earnest Pitch No Match for Sound of Yamatai Drums

This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that Read More

Brag Much? Area Freshman Puts Sock on Doorknob of Single

DONLON HALL—Despite having no roommates, Justin Palmer ’23  proudly displayed a sock on the doorknob of his hallway single after receiving female company late Wednesday evening.  A sock on the doorknob, the widely-recognized warning signal to returning roommates of ongoing sexual activity, has traditionally been viewed as unnecessary when only Read More

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair. “Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I Read More

Traces of Protein Discovered in Okenshields Chicken Stir Fry

OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields. “We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the Read More

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Cool for Having 20 AP Credits Still Can’t Place Out of Being Lonely

LOW RISE 6—Although Evan Hammond ‘23 arrived at Cornell with enough AP credits to skip most of his basic engineering requirements, his high school efforts still haven’t been enough to alleviate the all-consuming loneliness he has felt the past two weeks. “All my hard work in high school really paid Read More

Pre-Frosh Excited To Visit Restaurants That Will Close Before he Arrives

COLLEGETOWN—Hungry after a long day of exploring his future campus, incoming engineer Julio Saldanha ‘23 was captivated by Collegetown’s choice of dining options that will surely shut down before the fall semester. “All these restaurants look so good, but I think I’m going to spend a lot of time at Read More

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, Read More

OP-ED: Not to Harsh Roxane Gay’s Vibe, But I’m Also Down to Be the Convocation Speaker

If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.” Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a Read More

Environmentally Conscious Student Reuses Condom For Two Months

COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, Read More

Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun

Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had Read More