Tag Archives: campus life

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

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DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a Read More

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

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San Diego, CA (Jun. 14, 2002) -- Mr. Stephen C. Dunn, Deputy Comptroller for the U.S. Navy's Space and  Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWAR), recently received the prestigious "William A. Jump Meritorious Award for Excellence in Public Administration.Ó  U.S. Navy photo by Corinna Duron.  (RELEASED)

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised Read More

Saké Bombing Latest Attack in Turf War Between Collegetown Japanese Restaurants

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EDDY STREET – In what is the most recent episode in a longstanding battle for Collegetown supremacy, several saké bombs were set off between popular Japanese eateries Plum Tree and Miyake. The bombing, which occurred in the late hours of Friday evening, claimed the sobrieties of dozens of unsuspecting frat Read More

OP-ED: Thanks To Mixed-Gender Housing Rules, I Can Finally Become Friends With Girls

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The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends. The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can Read More

Cornell to Receive Large Johnson Endowment

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DAY HALL — According to multiple reports, Cornell University will receive a gigantic Johnson endowment later this upcoming year. In a press conference earlier today, President Hunter Rawlings III stated he hopes this “generous gift will enhance Cornell’s performance for years to come” and wishes to see “what the endowment Read More

Asshole Professor Assigns Reading When All the Other Shit Is Due

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GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due. “This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages Read More

International Students Confused About Where Everyone Went

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HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went. “Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to Read More

Atlas Angry at Classmates for Piggybacking on World-Lifting Group Project

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GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world Read More

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

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CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the Read More