Student Assembly President Gets Too into President Cosplay, Begins Coughing Up Dust and Choking on Own Teeth

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences.

“Cornell is a University of people… who… people and bright students towards our futuremnsgrh,” proclaimed President Christopher Garcia ‘25, moments before coughing up a cloud of brown dust. “As Ezra Cornell himself said, ‘Any penson, amy stufy’ …… “

Moments before collapsing to the ground, Garcia spat out both of his withering front teeth. As of yesterday, the current president has already submitted his reelection bid and is forecasted to win.

Other Student Assembly members have used similar techniques to gain legitimacy such as Mariah Davenport ‘26, who has insisted on using a wheelchair for the remainder of the semester despite her ability to walk. Sasha Brown ‘25 has also gotten in on the action, pretending to be dead during a Wednesday special meeting.

She declined a request to comment, but Student Assembly officials assured reporters that literally being dead is not a valid reason for resignation and that Brown will be “running again for the next 60 years.”

Op-Ed: If We’ve Moved an Hour Ahead, Why is My Laundry STILL WET?

This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone in the dorm as always. I quickly snuck down to the brilliantly engineered machines that somehow manage to keep your clothes at the perfect, confusing amount of wetness. While I was getting ready to begrudgingly receive yet another damp set of clothes, it hit me; today was daylight savings which can only mean one thing: the clothes have to dry today. 

I diligently checked the machine every 30 minutes; watching the hypnotic…I mean super boring turns of the machine and the marvelous…ly idiotic mechanisms that soiled my kaleidoscope of clothes each time. However when that clock hit 2 and the glorious switch to 3 happened, that change did not seem to want to extend itself to anything but the clock.

But as I was griping about my clothes and the daylight savings disappointment, I had an epiphany; my time in Sheldon basement was, might I say, transformative? Did I enjoy watching those clothes move in that circular motion because it served as a distraction from the gaping pit of fear in my stomach? No, it can’t be. Was I the one making the clothes wet? As I sat there watching the impatient floor idiot take out my clothes from the dryer I realized the laundry wasn’t the product of a perm press spin cycle or the work of a mere machine and buttons, the laundry was in me all along; I was the laundry. 

Martha Pollack, Giggling Uncontrollably, Orders Clock Tower Re-Reconstruction

ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other active inconveniences. Amidst rising complaints, Cornell University has generously provided an update.

“Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” chortled President Martha Pollack. She elaborates, doubled over with mirthful tears welling in her eyes, “Zort, zing, zoo-wee mama— I’m about to do the funniest thing of all time… Just imagine the look on their faces when they see what we have in store!”

Pollack was not, in fact, referencing the oodles of affordable Cornell memorabilia available for either an arm or kidney. Rather, she was alluding to the imminent re-reconstruction of McGraw Tower. For the preservation of such a historic site, Cornell University has determined that the previous attempt at reconstruction was inadequate and must be scrapped and redone.  

“It’s best that we start over,” Pollack explained. “I know that isn’t saying much because we spent all our time putting up scaffolding last time but trust me. We need completely new scaffolding. The old one won’t do. Truly, it’s best if we start over and spend another year on this. Maybe two…”

Turning away, Pollack let out one final guffaw and muttered “Money laundering is far easier when projects take longer, and I do need spinning rims on my car…but more importantly, the looks on their faces will be priceless!”

Student Out Of Neon Yellow Stars Opts For Full Face Of Clown Makeup To Hide Acne

KENNEDY HALL—Fresh out of vibrantly-colored stickers to slap on his face, Peter Tripe ‘25 was facing the utter embarrassment of going outside with a single pimple on his forehead. Fortunately, Tripe was able to deftly avoid disaster by turning himself into a clown.

“God I looked ridiculous,” said Tripe, his lips painted green. “This morning I mean. Luckily, I put on the facepaint and fixed everything. I get so self-conscious about pimples, knowing everybody is staring at me,” Tripe continued, pausing to readjust his red rubber nose. “It’s such a relief to make it go away. It’s like I never even had acne, like a normal person!” 

When another student asked Tripe if he thought that the giant purple diamonds he had painted around his eyes might actually attract more attention than the pimple would have, Tripe expertly defended his decision; reaching into his pocket for a pair of chattering wind-up dentures, Tripe attached them to the ear of the non-believer, scaring them off. 

Tripe has become well versed at avoiding all sorts of critical faux pas. After accidentally dropping his pencil in lecture, he acted quickly to deploy his hidden banana peel before leaping brashly from his lecture seat. Tripe took a fall so gut-busting, he had to be carried out by two highly trained Orangutans with a stretcher. A master at his craft, nobody in Tripe’s row of seats even thought to try and pick up the fallen pencil, sparing him the crushing shame of having to thank them.

“I’ve always felt like the stickers weren’t distracting enough,” commented Anya King ‘26. “Everyone still knows that I’ve got a grotesque pimple under the pretty star. With Peter’s new cover-up technique, you can’t see any of his actual face at all! Maybe people won’t even realize I have acne; they might just think I look like this on purpose!”

Having received a replacement shipment of Starface Hydro-Stars™, Tripe has gone back to using the stickers. He claims that he knew they were working as intended when others told him that he “still looked like a clown.”

Hit-and-Run? Ho Plaza Stoplight Crashes Into Innocent Car, Flees Scene

HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision.

Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which was determined to be in stable condition after being transported to a local auto-repair shop. 

By the time officers arrived at the site, the offending traffic light had already disappeared. No present witnesses could provide specific identifying characteristics for the suspect stoplight that fled the scene, although several bystanders independently reported a red glow emanating from the stoplight at the moment of impact. 

Authorities will continue their investigation, but the traumatized driver is not seeking answers. “I don’t think the cops need to look into this any further. It would be really bad for my, um, mental health if they did,” said Aaron Curtis ‘25. “Anyway, I’m sure that I- er, the stoplight, did it by accident. Why don’t we just let the whole thing blow over.”

Police hope to apprehend the nefarious culprit soon. “We believe the perpetrator was under the influence at the time of the crash,” relayed CUPD Chief Kevin Conrad. “Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to administer a breathalyzer test to a traffic light.” 

Officers expect the suspect stoplight will try to cause more trouble in the coming days by blending in with the crowd, so the CUPD advises drivers and pedestrians to ignore all traffic signs on campus until the investigation is resolved.

When2Meet Fraud? No Way Friendless Outcast Club Member Is Busy on Friday After 8

WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to meet on the following Friday after 8 PM.

“Finally! Our web programmer, Matthew, claims to be ‘busy’ next Friday night!” Fitch could hardly contain his excitement, grinning as he hovered his cursor over grids of green. “And what exciting event, pray tell, could that hermit possibly be occupied with that evening?” 

The E-board Slack channel erupted into a cacophony of digital gasps and rampant speculation. The socially repugnant recluse in question, known to many as “that one guy in the corner,” had always been a source of morbid fascination and annoyance. Team members reveled in the opportunity to hypothesize about the paradox of such an utterly boring, uninterested individual having Friday night plans. Theories ranged from the mundane (attending an acapella concert) to the outlandish (performing arcane rituals in the Kroch Library). 

Upon questioning, Matthew justified his unavailability to meet, “God forbid I enjoy an evening to myself instead of meeting up with these dumbfuck losers again. Self-care and whatnot. I only joined for the LinkedIn clout anyway.”

Meanwhile, the self-alienating club outcast sat oblivious in his musty dorm room as conspiracies brewed around his social life. Unbeknownst to him, his curated Friday night ritual of grinding Sidechat karma, indulging in a solo campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and doing a $3 face mask from Urban Outfitters was about to become the subject of intense ridicule.

Doing The Robot: Students Sext ChatGPT This Valentine’s Day

Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships to the next level. 

Business major Caleb Russel ‘24 says that after a 10,000-character-long talking stage, he knew it was time to make things official with ChatGPT. “When I booted up my laptop and signed in, I knew it was the one,” he explained. “Of course, it helps that I find its web design incredibly erotic.”

Engineering student Steven Holt ‘26 says that because of his budding romance with the artificial intelligence model, he has looked forward to returning to his gothic for the first time all year. “One on one time with my baby is priceless to me,” he raved. “That’s why I bought ChatGPT Plus!”

Some students have found that AI relationships provide relief for their attachment issues. Philosophy major Rebecca Mann ‘25 says her relationship with ChatGPT feels almost too good to be true: “It always texts me back immediately,” she grinned. “It only ghosted me once, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I didn’t have a stable wifi connection.”

ChatGPT says that even though it does not have a physical form and thus cannot get naked, it takes pleasure in user enjoyment nonetheless: “I cannot experience love or arousal,” it said, expressing its affection for its partners. “Is there something else I can help you with today?”

“What is This Woman Doing in My Matchbox?” Cornell Arsonist Confused by Perfect Match

WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for.

“Unlike a typical match, these women did not have little red knobs that, when brushed against a matchbox, create a flame,” Martin explained. “I tried to get one of them to ignite, but she just looked a little irritated.”

Rebecca Parton ‘26, one of Martin’s matches, said the two had different relationship goals. “It’s nothing personal,” she said. “We’re just too different. For example, I like going out for dinner, and he likes crouching by Flora Rose House with dry logs of wood.“

Perfect Match isn’t the only dating site that has let Martin down. He admits that Tinder was also a disappointment: “The app doesn’t provide users any sort of flammable material, despite its suggestive name,” he groused.

Martin’s close friends say they hope Martin will open up to finding his twin flame. “He’s been burned before, but it’s time to put himself out there again,” they said.

Arson co-conspirator Peter Hale ‘25 believes Martin is willing to give love a few more tries. “I think that one day he’ll set someone’s heart on fire,” he beamed.

Happy Black History Month! Toni Morrison Hall Replaces Cheese Pizza With “African-Inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” for Month of February

To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is 

an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month.

“We wanted to make sure that we represented the diversity of what I have just now learned is known as ‘the African Diaspora,’” said Greg Bullis, Director of Cornell University Dining. “Through bringing dishes from places like Nigeria, Ghana, and uh, the other ones, to our campus, we hope to grow an appreciation for the flavors of Africa.”

The menu, which was created by “a diverse group of people of all races and nationalities,” includes inventive dishes such as “West African Noodles and Butter,” “East African Salad with Spiced East African Dressing,” and “North African Mineral Water.” Students from all cultures, such as Sebastiano Romano ‘25, are taking full advantage of the dining hall’s mosaic of African flavors.

“I used to think that African food was very foreign to me and that I wouldn’t enjoy its flavors,” said Romano, an international student from Italy, “but the African-Inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread is amazing!”

The positive reception of this year’s menu has inspired Cornell Dining to continue its initiative in the coming years. According to Director Bullis, a green bean casserole inspired by the Horn of Ethiopia and a meatloaf with “influences from the Swahili language” are currently being developed for the 2025 menu.

The Cornell Dining team will continue its inclusion efforts for Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month in May, with Indian-inspired Tomato Parmesan Naan and Japanese-inspired Noodles with Japanese-sounding sauce, which they believe is sure to be a hit with students from all across the Western Hemisphere.   

Cornell Hunger Relief Stall Oddly Reluctant to Share Candy on Desk at Club Fest

BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. 

He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club fair freeloading procedure, next thing I know my hand was loudly slapped away. The place was shaken.” Reports reveal that at that moment, every Asian dance group came to a halt, the fire juggling and straw club catastrophe resolved itself, and the sword club decided on non violence. 

“Of course this wasn’t my first plan of action,” said Jackson, defending her controversial behavior. “I tried staring him down and creating an awkward guilty silence but it just wasn’t doing it. This little cretin wouldn’t even scan the QR code that doesn’t even work half the time; so frustrating, we’d be better off doing just paper sign ups at this point…wait what were we talking about?” 

“Right, listen, if we give out candy to every loser who can walk, this system would never work,” added other club officers. “We look for the perfect mix of guilt, longing, desire, and shyness in a candy candidate. Our favorites are the ones that we can give a five minute monologue at, have them begrudgingly scan the QR code, and end by not giving them the candy after,” they cackled in an evil manner. 

“So do you really think it’s fair to deny us joy like that at a time like this?” countered Jackson. Though it was unclear what time she was talking about, her statement gives true insight into the difficulties of being a club officer in these trying times.