MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek.
According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth of steel,” making them a challenge to rearrange. “We’re working with copper and lead,” he explained. “Even the toughest of braces are going to struggle with masonry like this.”
Tower says Slope Day now seems like a daunting prospect, as it fears it will stick out in pictures like a sore thumb. “I’m worried my pictures won’t be cute enough for my Instagram feed,” it confessed.
Melissa James ‘25 says watching the clocktower’s slow descent down the social hierarchy has been difficult. “I can’t associate with Tower anymore on account of the headgear,” she said. “I have a reputation to uphold.”
Not every student was unhappy about Tower’s orthodontic news. Upon hearing that the braces were here to stay, Campus Bully Jack Rogers ‘26 rubbed his hands together in malicious glee. “Just wait till I get my hands on that loser,” he said, prepping a tower-sized locker to shove it into.
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