Pathetic Zeus Visitor Not Good Enough for Pristine Marble Table, Exiled to Weak Little Wooden Bench

Hoping for a shot at joining the elites of Cornell, Michael White ‘26 entered the alluring seating area of Temple of Zeus. As the unspoken meeting place for aesthetically blessed students, the radiant marble tables glistened seductively as he passed. But White stirred up trouble when he attempted to find an available seat, eliciting shock and fury from neighboring students—and Greek Gods. 

When White tried to snag a chair, a god-like force shoved him unceremoniously from the table, dumping him onto a stubby wooden bench in the corner of the atrium. White said the experience was highly unpleasant. “The bench was so low it rendered me crotch-level with passersby,” he groused. “I had to crouch over my soup like an animal.”

Demigod-turned-student Jessica Stone ‘25 said White made a mistake in attempting to search for seating in such a highly desirable location. “Doesn’t he know we camp out overnight in Klarman just for a chance at those tables? Zeus seating is worth more than gold!” 

God of sky, lightning, thunder, law, and order Zeus said he found White’s attempt to sit at his temple sacrilegious. “Would you let a human into Mount Olympus?”, he exclaimed in Ancient Greek. “That bench is where he belonged.”

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