Tag Archives: Cornell University

Student Enters Sixth Hour of Waiting to be let into 2nd Floor of Trillium

KENNEDY HALL—Citing her exasperation at no one making enough eye contact for her to silently mime an opening motion before being let through the one-way door, Katherine Ochona, ’21, has reportedly spent the last 6 hours orbiting the 2nd floor door between Kennedy Hall and Trillium.  “I was just leaving Read More

“It Sure Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Club’s Funding,” Says SAFC Officer with Outstretched Palm

HO PLAZA—During an impromptu press conference on the steps of Willard Straight Hall, the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC) casually reminded all student organizations that it would sure be a shame if something were to happen to their “precious funding” during the upcoming 2020-2022 Byline funding cycle. “I mean, hey, Read More

Small Company at Career Fair Just Happy to be There

BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair. “Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I Read More

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, Read More

Student Won’t Stop Bragging About his Back of Mezzanine Tickets for Eric Andre

STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket. “All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed Read More

Enthusiastic A Capella VP of Operations Just Wants to be Liked

Photo by Bowen Hou

URIS HALL— The VP of Operations for Cornell’s Scales Acapella, Crystal Rojas ’21, confirmed she just wants people to like her, showing her love with twelve reminder emails about her survey. “I’m so grateful to be on E-board, and even happier to be your friend,” said Rojas, completely unaware of Read More

Devoted Cornell Hockey Fan Confused why Lynah Parking Lot Was Full on Sunday

Boris Tsang/Cornell Daily Sun

LYNAH RINK—During last Sunday’s ECAC Women’s Hockey Championship, dedicated Cornell hockey fan Dylan Holmes ‘20 was utterly bewildered as to why the Lynah Rink parking garage was full despite there not being a single men’s hockey game scheduled. “It was crazy. Maybe there was a baseball tournament or something? I Read More

Professor Wants Everyone To Succeed Unless They’re Dumb

KENNEDY HALL— After handing back her first set of prelims this semester, Linguistics Professor Margret Coleman took the opportunity to remind the class she was committed to helping every student in the class succeed, so long as they aren’t stupid. “I noticed some of you had trouble with certain key Read More

Student Forgets iClicker, Confident He Can Download, Set up Mobile App Before Question Closes

URIS G01—After facing an iClicker question in lecture and realizing he left his iClicker at home, Chad Morrison ‘22 began the process of purchasing the Reef app, confident he could set everything up before the question closed. “Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard,” Morrison said. “Eduroam is pretty fast in Read More

Student Who Didn’t Send Out a Single Resume All Semester Excited to Open “RE: Job Opportunity” Email

COLLEGETOWN—After months of putting in absolutely no effort to secure an internship for the summer, Tanmay Anand ’21 was relieved that he finally landed a coveted Job Opportunity. “I still haven’t gotten around to actually apply anywhere, so I’m guessing some recruiter found my Linkedin and emailed me thinking I’d Read More