Tag Archives: Cornell University

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position. “I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential Read More

Guy Streaking Arts Quad Has Normal Dick

ARTS QUAD—Multiple sources confirmed that the guy who streaked the Arts Quad on Wednesday night has a normal dick. “It looks just like your average, run-of-the-mill dick to me,” reported an unimpressed Jessica Saxon ‘19. “Nothing really to see there.” Other sources reported similar findings that, although often times streakers Read More

Something Clearly Oozing Out of Olin Hall

OLIN HALL—Citing several student accounts of an odd, viscous substance slowly flowing towards Ho Plaza and Campus Road, the Cornell University Police Department has announced that there is clearly something strange oozing out of Olin Hall. “We’ve received numerous reports indicating that a bright green fluid has been spilling out Read More

Senior Chemical Engineer Excited For Fulfilling Career Making Processed Cheese

OLIN HALL—With graduation just around the corner, ChemE Abe Duncan ‘17 eagerly anticipates starting his job as a process engineer at Kraft Singles Cheese Plant in Springfield, Missouri. “After four years of grueling advanced science courses, hours upon hours spent completing problem sets, and somehow surviving Thermo, I’m super excited Read More

Barbara Knuth Seen Stuffing Hundreds of “Yes” Grad Union Ballots into Pockets

CALDWELL HALL—Following the announcement that yesterday’s graduate students’ union vote was inconclusive, allegedly due to dozens of unresolved ballots, Senior Vice Provost and Dean of the Graduate School Barbara Knuth was reportedly seen today stuffing hundreds of confirmed “yes” ballots into her pockets. “Let’s see those grad students try to Read More