Guy Who Microwaved His Hamster in The Third Grade Grateful to Keep Doing What He Loves in Animal Science Program

Animal Science Junior Clayton Keane ’25 considers himself lucky. He gets to wake up every day and do his favorite thing: unsupervised barn time.

As the first to arrive & last to leave, Keane has taken advantage of every opportunity the program affords. He relishes the hands-on aspect of the curriculum, estimating that he has donated upwards of twenty chickens to science with his bare fists. 

From a young age, Keane has been honing his sixth sense for the most vulnerable and nonverbal among us. His family reminisced on countless childhood trips to Petsmart.  “I remember when he first got Peanut, his first hamster. And then Chewy, his second hamster. And Nibbles, his third…” recalled his mother fondly.  

“He’s a lovely boy. He arranged for all sixteen of them to go to a little farm upstate. And now he’s finally joined them there,” she added. 

Keane has spent the last few years getting to know the animals on the farm, cuddling, feeding, and handpicking the sacrificial lambs. 

Keane’s zest for the discipline has not gone unnoticed by peers and professors. “I’m not entirely sure he understands that it’s the science of animals, not science on animals. Regardless, it shows that he’s willing to innovate with the curriculum” stated Sheep Management Professor Walter Atkins, observing that Keane “thinks outside the box” of the veterinary ethics code. 

Three years into his studies, Keane is thinking bigger: He’s excited to graduate to equine studies. “I’m not trying to beat a dead horse here, but I would like to get my hands on one.”

Consulting Club Reject Forced To Learn Insider Trading On The Job

NEW YORK, NEW YORK—After four years of undergrad and 27 total rejections from CCC, CCG, CYC, and various other combinations of three letters on a sweater vest, recent AEM graduate Danny Michaelson ‘23 feared that he’d never be able to make it in the business world. However, after a little bit of on-the-job training, Michaelson has found that he can spend other people’s money, use a bluetooth earpiece, and commit fraud as well as anybody.

“It turns out insider trading is, like, super easy!” explained Michaelson. “At first I thought I’d be totally out of my depth, but it turns out that it’s exactly like taking an online prelim. You just go to your friend who already took the test, and ask him for the answers. So for business, you basically just call up your friend, and ask him if his company is gonna go kablooey or not, and then you make your decision before everyone else gets to know. No Sweat!” continued Michaelson, demonstrating his complete mastery over the world of finance.

Since starting his new position, Michaelson has sent 600+ LinkedIn connection requests and consumed 200+ cups of coffee, effectively completing a full three years worth of consulting club experience in just under three months. While some might have been burned out by the sheer level of deals and business that Michaelson is conducting, his drive has remained unaffected.

“I kinda thought that insider trading was suuuper illegal, but the guys let me know that it’s one of those fake illegal things, like jaywalking and cocaine,” said Michaelson. “A lot of my coworkers were in business clubs during college, but my boss says he’s never seen anyone make trades like me. He’s always asking me to sign lots of documents and record myself talking about all the stocks I’m buying.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s putting together a highlight reel for the Executives. I can’t wait to get promoted!”

Professor One P Sound Away From Blowing Up Microphone

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Students in Polynesian Practical Politics were sent ducking for cover amidst Professor Paul Peter’s lecture on the Preparedness of Polynesian Professional Politicians. Professor Peter, who is best known for his over-the-top alliteration and his tendency to practically swallow the microphone every class, had students particularly concerned in this lecture.

“The front row is the splash zone. I learned that the hard way in the first class.” explained student Zachary Prescott ’25, “While I did have to air dry several clothing items after that class, I never feared for my life until today.”

The microphone reportedly spent the class producing sparks with each hard gust of air, while the speaker system seemingly rumbled with each pronunciation of “politics.” When approached by a worried student, Professor Peter made the following statement: “It is perpetually putrid that a person presumes popping phonic paraphernalia per my pronunciation of P. You people prophesize preposterously.”

The speaker system, which managed to remain intact throughout that lecture, tragically shattered upon Professor Peter’s recap of his weekend plans, which apparently included “picking a peck of purple peppers.”

“Aw Man, They’re Gonna Notice This Time!” Daily Sun Distributor Forgets To Pass Out Newspaper For Third Consecutive Week

THE CORNELL DAILY SUN—James Macintyre ‘25 takes his unpaid, full-time position at the Cornell Daily Sun very seriously. So, when he learned that he had forgotten to distribute the paper for the third week in a row, the pain of the Sun’s 25-ish dedicated readers weighed heavily on his shoulders.

As a result of Macintyre’s gross negligence, the Cornell Daily Sun readership – Macintyre’s supportive mother and a few professors—is currently lacking critical information. In the three weeks that Macintyre has missed distribution, nine separate OP-EDs calling for the abolishment of Cornell have been published, and the Student Assembly has done something also, apparently. 

“How could campus have gone without the Sun for three weeks without noticing?” Macintyre asked. “If the New York Times or Fox News shut off for just a day everyone would notice. I don’t see how us journalists at THE Cornell Daily Sun are any different.”

Following his failure, the junior is struggling to reckon with his shortcomings. Due to his inaction, Macintyre fears no one will read the Sun anymore like everyone certainly did before.

“Usually when I distribute the paper, a whole dozen of people pick up the copy,” Macintyre reminisced. “Now, that number of 12 has dropped sharply to zero and it’s all my fault!”

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Damp Info Sci Major Remains Moist, No Longer Able to Blame on Heat Wave

DUFFIELD HALL—Information Science major Greg Daniels ‘24 was spotted Tuesday evening emerging from a cool, dark place bereft of direct sunlight. Unlucky bystanders scampered out of the splash zone as he made his way across Ho Plaza in a manner that can only be described as “spongy.” 

Roommate Mike Meyers ‘25 noted that Daniels had been particularly saturated as of late, referencing last week’s record-high temperatures. “It’s weird though, we have A/C, but he was still somehow glistening?” mused Meyers.

“I don’t know how he manages to maintain a perpetual drip, especially since I’ve never actually heard the shower running when he’s home,” he continued, baffled by the enigmatic seepage. 

Nearby students parted like the Red Sea as Daniels descended into Okenshields, many citing a loss of appetite. Onlookers recalled watching him beeline for the double cheeseburger pizza, shoes squelching with a marshy reverb. 

In a particularly harrowing encounter, Daniels exchanged a pre-moistened homework assignment for a moment of eye contact from Kelsey Schneider ’25, before tripping over his shoelaces and adding he “meant to do that.” He retreated unceremoniously, leaving a puddle to remember him by. 

God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. 

After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our Father and LORD (Vice Dean of the Office of Spirituality) revealed to Noah that in 3 days, He would unleash the foam machines of Collegetown, smothering the sinful people of Cornell in a torrent of festive mediocrity. “I uhh, was just dozing off on Labor Day weekend, when suddenly I heard a loud voice saying that ‘the foam shall rise and the sinful shall perish from the earth’. He then said I had to build an ark of gopherwood 50 cube-somethings wide,” recalled Noah.  “I had to save 2 people of every major, before the foam came.”

Describing his vivid underwhelming prophecy, Noah claimed he saw thousands of day drinkers all over Collegetown, before a flash of red laser lights and the distinct sound of “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame. Then, the ground filled with cheap party foam, consuming the partiers, the other students, and then all the peoples of Ithaca.

When asked for comment, the LORD said: “And behold, I Myself am bringing foamwaters on the earth, to destroy from under heaven all flesh in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the earth shall be inconvenienced.”

Unfortunately, Noah did not set sail, as he was unable to identify literally any living soul enrolled in AAP. The impending flood will likely consume Collegetown, cleansing the dirty rushes once and for all.

Freshman Switches Major, Career Path, Name, Religion, and Sexuality After Inspiring Coffee Chat

SAGE ATRIUM—When Walter Pinker ‘27 emerged from his consulting club coffee chat with Isabella Mendez ‘26, he didn’t want to be a Classics major anymore. In fact, he also did not want to be straight, Catholic, white, or Walter, adopting the temporary moniker “WaPi” (wha-pee, something “more exotic”) while he positions himself to be the ultimate corporate diversity admit.

“I booked the Calendly appointment as a joke, you know? So I could live out the rest of my humanities major in peace, comforted by the tragedy of Cornellian souls doomed to perpetual corporate servitude. But then I found out about these diversity programs that fly students across the country to eat steak and make little consulting friends,” commented WaPi. “The Odyssey isn’t flying me across the country. And I like filet mignon.”

When probed further about what moved him to transform nearly his entire identity, WaPi cited Mendez’s success in already securing three separate post-grad job offers as a first semester sophomore, with only slightly delayed start dates of 2031, 2036, and 2048.

“She’s already so successful,” remarked WaPi. “Forget the cinematic dark academia main character I’m-better-than-you lifestyle of reading Virgil under a tree. It’s time to become an indispensable DEI statistic.”

WaPi is now on a crusade to tick all the corporate diversity boxes, hoping to secure himself a slot in one of the industry’s most coveted firms so he can lord it over everyone else. Isabella Mendez declined to comment, sharing only that WaPi made her sign an NDA etched in quill onto the back of The Iliad.

Freshman Patiently Waiting to Cross College Ave Gets Hit by Car Anyway

COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue. 

The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry Hentz ‘24, was unaware of any wrongdoing. “I was on my way to pick up food from 7-Eleven,” stated Hentz, “But then I remembered Wings Over was having a sale so I popped a U-ie in that intersection to turn around, but I think I’d know if I hit someone.” When shown street camera footage of him doing exactly that, Hentz responded, “Oops. Oh my God that’s so crazy. Can you AirDrop that to me?”

Despite a shattered femur and a grade two concussion, the victim, Casey Rollins ‘27, opted not to press charges, stating “My home friends can’t know about this.” Rollins then begged investigators to delete all footage of the accident, as it depicted the moments after the collision, in which Rollins awkwardly fled the scene of the crime rather than suffer the embarrassment of waiting for someone to ask if he was okay. 

One eyewitness, Doreen Zhang ‘24, suggested Rollins was actually culpable for the collision, blaming “the stupid freshman” for “just standing there like a dumbass.” When asked what experience she has to delegate blame in incidents such as this, Zhang simply responded, “I’m from the city.”

Construction crews are now hard at work to repair the damage caused by Rollins’ cranium’s collision with the sidewalk, with the project estimated to be complete by early 2027. 

“Now, Where’s My Hug?” Asks Former Classmate You Do Not Recognize

ARTS QUAD – Classes have officially begun, which means getting settled into routines, staving off mounting exhaustion, and spotting familiar faces around campus. For Elizabeth Valenciano ‘26, however, the start of classes would also bring about an uncomfortable surprise.

Valenciano and several of her friends were spotted leaving Goldwin Smith Hall when they were approached at an alarming speed by a fellow with a profoundly determined expression. “He ran toward us at full speed–I thought he was running late or maybe just a freshman or something–but then he started shouting ‘LIZ! LIZZYBETH! LIZZY!’” reported Ava Zhao ‘26.

“I was confused,” Valenciano later stated. “All my friends just call me Elizabeth.” As the boy advanced with a speed and intensity akin to a hyena descending upon a pack of gazelles, it became increasingly clear that the intended target of his eager gaze was, in fact, Valenciano.

According to Zhao, upon reaching them, the student exclaimed “Hey, where’s my hug, Liz! I haven’t seen you since last fall! Where’s my hug? Man, I really miss seeing you every week in FWS. Where’s my hug? That Feminism for All Genders was a real doozy, wasn’t it? Anyway, where’s my hug?” Zhao and the rest of Valenciano’s friends then watched on somberly as their dear friend was swallowed by the suffocating hug of the unidentified man. 

At press time, Valenciano shared that she remains puzzled by the interaction and the identity of the student, never having taken an FWS before.