Hit-and-Run? Ho Plaza Stoplight Crashes Into Innocent Car, Flees Scene

HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision.

Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which was determined to be in stable condition after being transported to a local auto-repair shop. 

By the time officers arrived at the site, the offending traffic light had already disappeared. No present witnesses could provide specific identifying characteristics for the suspect stoplight that fled the scene, although several bystanders independently reported a red glow emanating from the stoplight at the moment of impact. 

Authorities will continue their investigation, but the traumatized driver is not seeking answers. “I don’t think the cops need to look into this any further. It would be really bad for my, um, mental health if they did,” said Aaron Curtis ‘25. “Anyway, I’m sure that I- er, the stoplight, did it by accident. Why don’t we just let the whole thing blow over.”

Police hope to apprehend the nefarious culprit soon. “We believe the perpetrator was under the influence at the time of the crash,” relayed CUPD Chief Kevin Conrad. “Unfortunately, it’s kind of hard to administer a breathalyzer test to a traffic light.” 

Officers expect the suspect stoplight will try to cause more trouble in the coming days by blending in with the crowd, so the CUPD advises drivers and pedestrians to ignore all traffic signs on campus until the investigation is resolved.

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