A Capone? Friend Includes Increasingly Threatening Photos of Parents, Siblings in Concert Invitations

ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing. 

The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly self-respecting sophomore, Rebecca Niles ‘25, who politely declined an invite to the concert instead of simply ignoring it. “I didn’t mean any offense,” Niles explained, “I just didn’t have time to watch an hour-long show of men I barely know spitting on each other and making fart noises.” 

Unfortunately for Niles, The Dons have a long reputation of not taking “no” for an answer, with unconfirmed reports of coercion, ranging from advertising free food to guilt tripping, stretching back to the group’s origin. “They told me it was an offer I couldn’t refuse,” Polly Tarth ‘23 reported, reminiscing about The Dons’ first performance, “But like… it actually really was.”

The group’s reign of terror came to a well-deserved end after one member overstepped in his intimidation tactics. “It started with a picture from my Mom’s Instagram,” recounted Niles, “which I thought was weird but maybe just a bad attempt at flirting. But then I started getting photos I had never seen before: my little siblings outside of their school, my mom crying alone in her bedroom, my dad in a hotel room with his secretary, Monica. I started to get worried.”

Refusing to succumb to duress, Niles reported the event to authorities. Detective Pangborn, who has been struggling to build a case against The Dons for years, was ready for his big breakthrough: “It’s really hard to convict on the basis of being annoying. But being annoying and creepy is an easy 25 to life.”

The disappearance of The Dons from the a cappella scene has granted students with but a brief reprieve, as rival groups such as With The Fishes and The Molls vie for the remains of The Don’s now destitute empire.

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