Leprechaun Under Linden Street Sewers Suddenly 30 iPhones Richer

LINDEN STREET—While Saint Patrick’s Day festivities are beloved by students with excessively bright green shirts and the Irish alike, for kleptomaniac and short king Barry Finnegan ‘25, it presents an opportunity like no other: a large mob of drunk darty-ers.

Dressed as a leprechaun, the young Irish student spends the holiday shambling in a sewer until his prey drops a valuable. Finnegan immediately transforms into a green blur, zipping through the crowd, until he finds his trophy and retreats to his treasure trove, without anyone noticing. “Aye, I’ve got a good haul this year: 30 iPhones, 6 left AirPods, and a credit card. Half the time the fools offer me their phones if I give them shitty beer and yell ‘SHOTGUN, SHOTGUN’,” Finnegan admits. “Us leprechauns haven’t been this rich since the days of the gold standard.” 

The operation has been going on for years, but only recently has it been so successful. Finnegan finds that posting “Linden @ 2 PM?” on Sidechat lures lone unsuspecting students at an almost concerning rate, as they vie for any means to day drink the one day that it’s socially acceptable.

Yet, for the victims, the Linden Street Leprechaun remains a nuisance. “I know it was a Sunday, and in hindsight, I did see pictures of a completely empty Linden Street, but c’mon, I’m shaking in excitement to drink more,” Richard Tian ‘26 whines while visibly trembling. Tian was relieved of his watch when he realized no one else would show up. It took him another hour to realize his shoe was missing. 

Finnegan remains optimistic about the future, hoping to expand his hijinks and further line his pockets. His next plan includes stealing jackets from fraternity coat racks.

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