URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.”
“I knew we would never work,” said Natasha Martin ‘24, head in lap. “I mean… he raised his hand all the way up—with his full palm facing the front of the room. Oh God and his posture! Why was he sitting so straight?! There was nothing mysterious or lowkey about that!” lamented Martin, grieving the relationship she never really had with the guy she never really knew.
Friends of Martin were quick to console the sorrowful senior, taking her out for ice cream, watching the sunset, and offering words of encouragement such as “He’s so fake!” and “It’s like the personality you made up was never even real to him!”
Though there was an extra empty seat in the 200-person lecture hall, Martin’s absence went largely unnoticed. When asked about his missing peer, Derek Long ‘23, the class crush in question, simply responded “Who?” Even Martin’s professor was left unfazed by her sudden departure from the course roster, as he had never bothered to learn anyone’s name.
Martin has since pledged to dedicate the time previously spent in class to “working on [her]self” and “taking classes which actually fulfill [her] graduation requirements.”
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