Phew! Class Crush Gives Ick Just in Time for Drop Deadline

URIS HALL—While students across campus methodically scan syllabi for loopholes in preparation for the quickly approaching drop deadline, one particularly picky senior’s decision to drop was based not on an impending prelim whose material went unstudied, but rather the class crush she’d been mildly stalking giving her “the ick.”

“I knew we would never work,” said Natasha Martin ‘24, head in lap. “I mean… he raised his hand all the way up—with his full palm facing the front of the room. Oh God and his posture! Why was he sitting so straight?! There was nothing mysterious or lowkey about that!” lamented Martin, grieving the relationship she never really had with the guy she never really knew.

Friends of Martin were quick to console the sorrowful senior, taking her out for ice cream, watching the sunset, and offering words of encouragement such as “He’s so fake!” and “It’s like the personality you made up was never even real to him!”

Though there was an extra empty seat in the 200-person lecture hall, Martin’s absence went largely unnoticed. When asked about his missing peer, Derek Long ‘23, the class crush in question, simply responded “Who?” Even Martin’s professor was left unfazed by her sudden departure from the course roster, as he had never bothered to learn anyone’s name. 

Martin has since pledged to dedicate the time previously spent in class to “working on [her]self” and “taking classes which actually fulfill [her] graduation requirements.”

Senior Filling Out Perfect Match A Little Too Optimistic About the Three Months They Have Left

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—In the final hours of Perfect Match’s survey opening, one member of the Class of 2023 decided to try their luck at a college romance three months before leaving Ithaca for good.

“Look, I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating department here at Cornell, okay?” asked Ron Kringle ‘23. “I had one girlfriend the week of orientation, and it’s been three years since my last second date. I tried to do it all the natural way, but it hasn’t worked out and I thought I might as well try something new. And for that reason, twelve weeks before myself and all my peers completely overhaul our lives and set up shop across the country, I have decided to go all in on a completely new search for love.”

The Cornell Perfect Match online statistics indicate that many seniors agree with Kringle’s futile efforts to fill the gaping hole of loneliness. The numbers indicate that a quarter of participants are seniors- a number that cannot be simply explained by future Cornell grad students or Ithaca locals. Clearly, seniors’ desperation to find love overpowers even the most simple logistical thought processes. Perfect Match team members, however, took exception with this characterization.

“Seniors aren’t desperate, they are opening themselves up to new possibilities,” argued Perfect Match president Jonald Travers ‘23. “Online dating has become the number one way people meet each other these days, so why not give it a try? Why not sign up and see what happens? Why not put a member of our team down as a Crush; my netID is jttt245 and I will be in Ithaca for several weeks after graduation where we can begin our courtship before we transition into a committed long-distance thing. Why not give love a chance, specifically with me please?”  

At press time, the Perfect Match team would neither confirm nor deny that they had signed up to their own service, nor whether they self-preferenced their results.

OP-ED: Love Triangle? Pentagon? I’m in a Love Dot

MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And Emily? Her love life is even more complex, why, she’s in a love pentagon! How does that even work? I don’t know, but she at least has a shape goddamn it. All the while, I couldn’t help but think one thing: what about me? I don’t have a shape.

For far too long, we’ve allowed people who can’t make up their goddamn minds about love to define a cool shape for their relationship problems. But if there is one thing that teen romantic comedies taught me, it would be that by defining your lack of mutual romantic attraction to someone as a geometric structure is the truest testament to a sound mind.

Why be lame and admit that your crush doesn’t like you when you can instead be in a spiffy and spicy love triangle? When your love life is defined by a geometric silhouette, anything is game. Want to read his mail? Go right ahead; you can’t let Natalee win! Need to dye his crush’s hair an awful shade of green? All is fair in love-triangles and war. For this reason, I have come to the brave decision that I will no longer accept the slur “single.” Nay, “single” is for those vanilla bitches. You know the type: ladies who are confident in themselves, have healthy hobbies, and do not need external validation through relationships. You see, I’m mature enough to know that’s not me. All real relationships correspond to shapes that we learned in 9th grade geometry class. Or, in other words, I’m in a love dot.

Perfect Match Algorithm Pairs All ILR Students Together in Truly Perfect Union

IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit.

“I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us to get to know each other! Stargazing out on the picket line, gifting them tickets to their favorite union rallies every anniversary, secretly passing union authorization cards with hearts on them. I’m so excited!”

Despite only just receiving their matches, the prospective lovers were eager to tie the knot, easily surpassing the 30% threshold required for formal proceedings under the National Labor Relations Act. In a heartwarming display of support, the NLRB General Council sent a message of solidarity with ILR Students and Labor Secretary Marty Walsh attended initial festivities. While confused by the result, Perfect Match founders admitted that they were happy to see such a strong positive reaction to their pairings.

“Really, the algorithm adjustment process this year was a labor of love,” President Sarah Melson concluded. “Connection on campus has been tough the past few years, and we realized that part of the problem might be the structure of relationships themselves. While at-will relationships may be the dominant format in the United States, and certainly the preferred one in the business school, the ILR students clearly are happy with something a little different.”

At press time, Cornell’s administration had announced plans to expel the most vocal Perfect Match participants for “poor attendance,” and to hold a mandatory lecture series on how the dating system could end up with participants becoming twice as single as they were before completing the survey.

Valentine’s Day Perfectly Coincides with Tom and Stephanie’s 23rd Day Anniversary

ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together. 

“When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s really one of a kind. It’s so rare to find a girl who’s shy around people she doesn’t really know, but who can be really outgoing once you get to know her better.”

Although the pair have only been dating for less than a month, friends of the couple have frequently remarked about the couple’s “extreme closeness.” 

“Ever since Tom and Stephanie made it official, they’ve spent every second together. They eat every meal with each other and he sleeps over every night. They just adopted their third dog together and yesterday I saw them shopping for baby clothes,” reported French’s roommate Maeve Sweeny ‘22. 

Wayman and French have also begun planning for their 30th day anniversary, which, by yet another fortuitous coincidence, overlaps with Canada’s National Family Day.

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

“I Need A New Frank Ocean Album,” Says Student Who Actually Just Needs To Get Over His Ex

TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness.

“It’s gotten out of hand,” says Shaw’s suitemate Charlie Sedaris ‘23, “I had to move from our double into the single that opened up when our buddy dropped out after his first Orgo exam because he never left the room. He kept talking about how much he misses her and how a new Frank album would ‘hit.”’

Blonde, a genre-bending masterpiece that illustrates the peaks and valleys of love and heartbreak throughout young adulthood, has been in near constant rotation for Shaw ever since his girlfriend of six weeks “dumped” him prior to the start of the semester. “Brittany” (who asked to be named pseudonymously for fear of being associated with “that sad sack of shit”) ended their brief relationship on account of the “distance driven between them by Covid.” Both parties lived on West campus this semester. 

In the three months since, Shaw—nicknamed Saddington Bear by friends—has grown ever fixated on the prospect of a new release from Ocean. “I love the album, but even the “Nights” beatswitch gets predictable when you hear someone sobbing on-beat through the drywall every goddamn night over a girl he dated for less than half the time he’s spent wallowing in misery,” added Lonnie Breaux ‘23, another one of Shaw’s suitmates.

When asked if he’s listened to Endless or Nostalgia Ultra, Shaw appeared puzzled, asking, “who are those by?” revealing that he is not just a loser, but also a fucking poser.

OP-ED: So-Called “Perfect Match” Won’t Even Let Me Touch Her Feet

With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet. 

While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula behind this quiz, it must have completely fucked up, because not only did my prescribed sweetheart refrain from letting me count her toes with my tongue, she acted all surprised when I tried to steal one of her dirty socks from her gym bag.

I get it. I get it. We had “just met” and we were “sitting in the middle of Mac’s Cafe” but how was I supposed to know the quiz had paired me up with such a weirdo? If I had known my “ideal girl” was going to be so uptight, I wouldn’t have bought all those scented lotions I planned on massaging her calves and ankles with. Thanks for nothing, Perfect Match. 

My friends claim this year’s quiz is even more comprehensive, but fool me twice, shame on me. Quite frankly, if you don’t have the decency to show me those little piglets, then why are you even looking for love on the internet?

TA Receives Email From Freshman Signed ‘Love’

COLLEGETOWN — CS 2110 Teaching Assistant Benjamin Rosier ’17 went wild with excitement Monday when he received an email from one Samantha M. Dalton ’20 that was signed at the bottom “Love, Sam.”

According to reports from Rosier, the body text of the email was otherwise quite cryptic, with no overt romantic intent. “She was asking me mostly about object oriented programming, but I noted that she had a so-called “question” about the wording on the “slide deck,” said Rosier.

Rosier reportedly spent hours rearranging the lettering of the email, looking for other Valentine’s Day messages he may have been missing. Rosier was eager to share his findings: “As it turns out, ‘object oriented programming’ is actually an anagram for ‘going pre-med, a mint tractor, oboe,’ which I think is significant for obvious reasons.”

When asked if Rosier had any previous connection to Dalton, the TA admitted he had never spoken to her in person. “I’m actually not positive which one Samantha is– there are a lot of girls in my section. But if she’s the one I think she is, there has been very clear evidence of Morse code when she taps her pencil on the desk!” said Rosier. “I literally ciphered out the word ‘Foxtrot.’ The signs are all there!”

When asked for comment on Rosier’s developing theories, Dalton responded, “Who?”