Senior Filling Out Perfect Match A Little Too Optimistic About the Three Months They Have Left

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—In the final hours of Perfect Match’s survey opening, one member of the Class of 2023 decided to try their luck at a college romance three months before leaving Ithaca for good.

“Look, I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating department here at Cornell, okay?” asked Ron Kringle ‘23. “I had one girlfriend the week of orientation, and it’s been three years since my last second date. I tried to do it all the natural way, but it hasn’t worked out and I thought I might as well try something new. And for that reason, twelve weeks before myself and all my peers completely overhaul our lives and set up shop across the country, I have decided to go all in on a completely new search for love.”

The Cornell Perfect Match online statistics indicate that many seniors agree with Kringle’s futile efforts to fill the gaping hole of loneliness. The numbers indicate that a quarter of participants are seniors- a number that cannot be simply explained by future Cornell grad students or Ithaca locals. Clearly, seniors’ desperation to find love overpowers even the most simple logistical thought processes. Perfect Match team members, however, took exception with this characterization.

“Seniors aren’t desperate, they are opening themselves up to new possibilities,” argued Perfect Match president Jonald Travers ‘23. “Online dating has become the number one way people meet each other these days, so why not give it a try? Why not sign up and see what happens? Why not put a member of our team down as a Crush; my netID is jttt245 and I will be in Ithaca for several weeks after graduation where we can begin our courtship before we transition into a committed long-distance thing. Why not give love a chance, specifically with me please?”  

At press time, the Perfect Match team would neither confirm nor deny that they had signed up to their own service, nor whether they self-preferenced their results.

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