Club Celebrating Seniors With New “Thank God They’re Gone” Speech Tradition

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–In a refreshing bout of honesty, Cornell’s most exclusively selective premier business club, Cornell Opportunity Consulting, celebrated their graduating class with a new tradition: sharing how thankful all the returning members are to never have to see them again.

“Samantha, if it wasn’t for Cornell Opportunity Consulting I would never have had the misfortune of meeting you,” began COC’s president Benjamin Snee ’23, loading up a pretty deck of slides to provide graphic support for his speech. “I can confidently say I dreaded reading every single text you sent me, like, bitch… you need a therapist, not an e-board position. Thank fucking god you’re gone next year. And, your boyfriend sucks.”

Other speakers at the celebration harkened it as a cathartic exercise in self-care.

“For far too long we’ve been forced to make up fake platitudes for our graduating members, as if they were an important part of our time here at Cornell or something,” said Nicole Truly ‘24 through tears of joy. “Like fuck, what am I supposed to say? That I can’t imagine Cornell without them? I totally can! It’d so much better!”

The event brought unique challenges to the speakers unfamiliar with the social norms of letting their true opinions be heard.

“Before, I was worried because I thought I had nothing negative to say about Kevin. He could give me a rec for a job, you know,” said Nicholas Wilhelm Lee ‘24. “But then he opened his ugly ass mouth, and I remembered this is the dude who derails every goddamn meeting with his ‘humor.’ Good riddance.”

The seniors could be found later complaining that they should have hazed the new members.

2020 Grads Excited to Relive Glory Days of Having Things Canceled by COVID

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In keeping with some of their fondest college memories, members of Cornell’s class of 2020 were thrilled to learn that many events originally planned for the weekend’s in-person homecoming had been canceled or made virtual at the last minute, much as they recalled the latter days of their college lives.

“It’s  exactly how I remembered it,” said Monica Gomez ‘20. “The excitement and anticipation building for months only to come crashing down in the form of an accusatory email right before the big day? That’s the Cornell that I know and love.”

While graduates expressed some interest in festivities such as the fireworks and laser shows, they overwhelmingly agreed that these events’ cancelations truly made them feel at home. Many reasoned that while such events might be nice, they would feel out of place for alumni whose college experiences came to be defined by Zoom.

“I was honestly a little disappointed that there were so many things going on—it just didn’t feel like my life at Cornell, you know?” said Kenny Callaway ‘20. “But now, this weekend’s gonna be so nostalgic: bad wifi connections, people forgetting to mute themselves, sitting alone in my room watching a shitty DJ perform 2000 miles away… that’s truly befitting of the class of 2020.”

Several alumni noted with dismay that the football game would still take place, but reasoned that completely ignoring Cornell athletics was another worthy school tradition.

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”  

Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of 2020 desperate to attain some semblance of a senior week, the campus has slowly begun to fill out with more members of the Cornell community. Delivering an address from the middle of the Botanic Gardens during an unclothed trek across the grounds, President Pollack gave some thoughts on the changes to campus and college.

“No one can ever predict the future, especially not in the middle of a pandemic, but it is always important to look on the bright side and find the little things to keep you going in the face of adversity.” Pollack said, her luscious body glistening in the afternoon light. “I know how positive these walks have been for me, but it is a testament to the Cornell spirit that we are able to adapt to whatever life throws at us,” the president continued, before letting out a long sigh and then reaching around to remove a leaf that had stuck itself to her bodacious behind.  

While the influx of students may pose a logistical challenge to the president’s walks, she has expressed her resourcefulness in adjusting her schedule for the future. “I look forward to seeing how I can continue to take my walks at night, with the cloak of nightfall the only cover my supple, bare flesh shall receive.”

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OHFollowing four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule.

“He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his second nap of the day asking what’s for dinner. “I got my brother Hector to offer Geraldo an entry-level marketing position at his firm, but apparently my son texted him back saying he’d get back to him in a few months.”

Since he arrived home last Monday, Hernandez has organized his collection of sweatpants and think-pieces by French philosophers and hung up photos of himself rolling and then smoking a blunt. “Going to be here for a while; might as well get comfortable,” he said, closing a Glassdoor tab and relaxing back into his chair. 

As of press time, Hernandez had calmed his mother down by telling her he was “studying the financial markets” as he sold a 60th turnip bunch on Animal Crossing.

Freshman Forced to Pretend Senior Acquaintance Really Meant Something to Them

ITHACA—As seniors prepare to leave campus, they must come to terms with having to say farewell to their dear friends. Many freshmen, on the other hand, face a different problem: faking any semblance of sincerity in their goodbyes to senior acquaintances. 

Kyle Fernsby ‘23 is among the population of freshmen who aren’t friends with seniors, yet are so desperate for acceptance that they’d eat their own feet for a chance to appear socially competent. Forced to grapple with his total lack of any actual meaningful interaction, Fernsby must now feign affection for the seniors he genuinely hasn’t known long enough to form an opinion about. 

“With everything that’s happening in the world, there’s just so much more pressure for sentimental, personal goodbyes,” said Fernsby. “So here I am, preparing a thirty-minute video tribute set to Sarah McLachlan’s ‘I Will Remember You.”’ He then proceeded to poorly photoshop himself giving high fives to static photos of upperclassmen as the words “Ride or Die” scrolled across the screen in Comic Sans font. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll really miss… um, Kevin? Yeah, yeah, Kevin. He was a member of the business frat I joined. Cool…. cool guy. I think he plays basketball? Yeah, really such an integral part of my college experience,” said Fernsby, sweating profusely. At press time, it was discovered that the senior’s name was in fact Bernard, and not Kevin. 

When asked what they thought of Fernsby’s attempt at heartfelt farewell, each of his senior acquaintances expressed zero recollection of ever having met him. 

Student Hellbent on Staying in Ithaca Disappointed to Learn Cornell is a People, Not a Place

LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture.

Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan Belfort declaring “I’m not fucking leaving” on his Instagram story.  “He kept going on about how he’d stay in Ithaca and ‘it would be basically the same, just without classes,’” recalled Sarah Resy, ‘21, a friend Geoff’s.

Following a particularly emotional season finale of Friends, which he had seen literally dozens of times before, Geoff was struck by the realization that his Big Red love is aimed not at a bizarre mish-mash of architectural styles on the outskirts of a backwoods rural community, but the people that make it so special. 

“It was a bit of an afterschool special moment, dude,” he revealed. “Like, it just hit me that everything I treasure about Cornell my memories, my clubs, my friends, the amazing stuff I’ve been able to study have nothing to do with physical location. Which kind of sucks because now I’m living in my collegetown apartment alone, and it turns out it’s way less lit when no one is here and all the bars and restaurants are biohazards.”

Geoff is considering returning home, but is still trying to figure out how to walk back his heated statement to his mother that “I’ll live at home again when Cornell divests from fossil fuels!” So, it’s likely to be a while.

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed.

Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy Birthday!” researchers found remarkable similarities among the female population. Those traits, combined with certain aesthetic preferences like wearing white sneakers, mom jeans, crewneck sweaters with Greek letters, and impractically small novelty eyewear, led them to conclude that this phenomenon could only be holistically described by a single phrase.

“Our study, without any shred of doubt, shows that they unabashedly conduct themselves in this manner,” said Joshua Leongotter ‘72, associate professor of Women According to Men Studies, theorizing that there is no strong evidence that the female gender can behave otherwise. 

Responses to the study, said researcher Hal Rattuccie ‘23, are already being incorporated as further evidence. “We already knew that bitches be mad annoying sometimes,” he said, “and now they be all angry and callin’ to yell at us and shit. But surprise, shorties, we got the receipts!” 

Studying female conduct such as vocal pitch rising at the end of sentences, hand-covering of the face as a signal of embarrassment, and noisily slurping with a straw at the bottom of a practically empty drink, researchers found that the conclusion was blatantly obvious. 

“In all of those categories, I was right! Bitches really do be like that!” said Leongotter. He explained that “the study pin-pointed certain actions and measured their rate of occurrence among a statistically significant section of the female population that I encounter daily. As one may have guessed, our results were staggering – they proved that I was right about bitches all along.” 

When asked if the department might move forward with a similar study into the behavior of men, Leongotter dismissed the idea, saying it would be a “waste of time” and only yield “boring generalizations that contribute nothing to the public discourse.”

Senior Deployed For Final Tour Of Catharine Valley Winery

SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards.

“I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty to increase the social standing of the house in any way I can.”

Thousands of Cornellians each year are shipped across county lines to confront perilous hazards such as dense canopies of vines and large swaths of rowdy aggressors in pastel clothing.

“I’ve seen some unspeakable horrors that will be etched in memory forever, from a freshman cursing out the owner over a fake ID to puddles of vomit rolling down a children’s school bus,” added Landry.

Despite arriving home several hours ago, Landry continued to suffer from post traumatic stresses such as nausea, memory loss, and a pounding headache.

“Maybe Next Year,” Sighs Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.”

“Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like me for commencement. I’m sure that one of these days, it’ll happen,” said the oil-drilling enthusiast and former Halliburton CEO, who was sure his celebrity status as the architect of the Iraq War would make him a shoo-in for at least one graduation speech at an Ivy League university.

“Yeah, Joe’s great and all, but I was Secretary of Defense and White House Chief of Staff, not to mention totally instrumental in defending waterboarding! All I ask for is a little recognition for my contributions to our country.”

Still bummed about being slighted by the 2017 Convocation Committee, Mr. Cheney began to wonder if shooting some guy in the face during a quail hunt as Vice President might have hurt his chances.

Joe Biden Shotguns Beer to Celebrate Convocation Speaker Announcement

After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer.

“Cornell Convocation 2017! Get ready to get rocked!” the recently unemployed Democrat shouted before he polished off the can of Keystone Light in 7 seconds while pumping his fist wildly. “Get ready, because May 28th is going to be the most rockin’ darty this campus has ever seen, and I don’t need Misterwives or Big Whatever to pull it off.”

Biden then proceeded to smash the empty beer can on his head, toss it at a group of raucous frat brothers, and say “Let’s see James Franco try to pull that off.”