Tag Archives: Senior Year

Senior Decides It’s Already Too Late to Be Productive Over Winter Break

A teenage boy wearing headphones sitting on a couch

PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen Read More

Report: North Campus Has Not Gotten Smaller Despite Claims from Seniors


NORTH CAMPUS — Citing evidence compiled from a poll of 2,564 seniors who have revisited North Campus since their Freshman year, a report published Tuesday by the Cornell University Survey Research Institute claims that, despite common perception, North Campus has not shrunk in size over the past three years. According Read More

Senior Figures He Probably Has 30-40 Good Fuckups Left Before Graduating

smiling teen boy carrying schoolbag

COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure Read More

Rising Senior Mentally Preparing for Last Year of Keystone Light


TEANECK, NJ – Justin Cochran ’17, entering his last year at Cornell, reports that he is “mentally and physically” preparing himself to drink Keystone Light Beer for the next 10 months before he can graduate to more expensive, better-tasting beers. “One more year of this, and then never again in Read More

Recent Graduates Wondering Who Will Take Initiative to Clean House


COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning. “Our lease ends this weekend, and Read More

James Franco to Give Convocation Speech After Spending 127 Hours Trapped in Gorge


FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had Read More