Tag Archives: Senior Year

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”   Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant Read More

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule. “He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her Read More

Freshman Forced to Pretend Senior Acquaintance Really Meant Something to Them

ITHACA—As seniors prepare to leave campus, they must come to terms with having to say farewell to their dear friends. Many freshmen, on the other hand, face a different problem: faking any semblance of sincerity in their goodbyes to senior acquaintances.  Kyle Fernsby ‘23 is among the population of freshmen Read More

Student Hellbent on Staying in Ithaca Disappointed to Learn Cornell is a People, Not a Place

LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as Read More

Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story Read More

“Maybe Next Year,” Sighs Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.” “Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like Read More

Joe Biden Shotguns Beer to Celebrate Convocation Speaker Announcement

After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer. “Cornell Read More

Senior Decides It’s Already Too Late to Be Productive Over Winter Break

PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen Read More

Report: North Campus Has Not Gotten Smaller Despite Claims from Seniors

NORTH CAMPUS — Citing evidence compiled from a poll of 2,564 seniors who have revisited North Campus since their Freshman year, a report published Tuesday by the Cornell University Survey Research Institute claims that, despite common perception, North Campus has not shrunk in size over the past three years. According Read More