Cornell Human Development Study Confirms Bitches Really Do Be Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed.

Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy Birthday!” researchers found remarkable similarities among the female population. Those traits, combined with certain aesthetic preferences like wearing white sneakers, mom jeans, crewneck sweaters with Greek letters, and impractically small novelty eyewear, led them to conclude that this phenomenon could only be holistically described by a single phrase.

“Our study, without any shred of doubt, shows that they unabashedly conduct themselves in this manner,” said Joshua Leongotter ‘72, associate professor of Women According to Men Studies, theorizing that there is no strong evidence that the female gender can behave otherwise.

Responses to the study, said researcher Hal Rattuccie ‘23, are already being incorporated as further evidence. “We already knew that bitches be mad annoying sometimes,” he said, “and now they be all angry and callin’ to yell at us and shit. But surprise, shorties, we got the receipts!”

Studying female conduct such as vocal pitch rising at the end of sentences, hand-covering of the face as a signal of embarrassment, and noisily slurping with a straw at the bottom of a practically empty drink, researchers found that the conclusion was blatantly obvious.

“In all of those categories, I was right! Bitches really do be like that!” said Leongotter. He explained that “the study pin-pointed certain actions and measured their rate of occurrence among a statistically significant section of the female population that I encounter daily. As one may have guessed, our results were staggering – they proved that I was right about bitches all along.”

When asked if the department might move forward with a similar study into the behavior of men, Leongotter dismissed the idea, saying it would be a “waste of time” and only yield “boring generalizations that contribute nothing to the public discourse.”