Tag Archives: Sex

‘Sometimes, Even the Best Things Must Come to an End’ Murmurs Martha Pollack on What Could be Her Final Nude Strolls Across Deserted Campus

CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.”   Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant Read More

Ithaca Bar Scene Not Good Enough to Warrant Anti-Lockdown Protests

Ashley He/Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one Read More

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum. “We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even Read More

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes.  “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi Read More

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend.  “I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming Read More

Cryptic “OMG! Wrong Group” Message Hints at Interesting Private Life for Ryan from Marketing Project GroupMe

DENVER, CO—Members of a local AEM 2420 group project gained an unexpected glimpse into the private life of teammate Ryan Homans ’23 after he accidentally messaged in the wrong GroupMe. “Heyy boyys, just grabbed the harnesses. The swing is still in Liam’s garage- it needs to be wiped down… badly Read More

OP-ED: I Need Universal Pass Because My Step-Sister Keeps Getting Stuck in the Dryer and Needs My Help

Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact Read More

OP-ED: Am I the Right Person to Educate a Racially Ambiguous Student on Issues of Ethnic Identity?

I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant Read More

OP-ED: This Creative Writing Class Is By No Means an Excuse to Publish Your Sonic The Hedgehog Erotica

By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 Read More