Tag Archives: Sex

Cornell Unwilling to Comment on Whether or Not Touchdown the Bear Has Sex

DAY HALL—Following last weekend’s Homecoming festivities, one topic has come to dominate the on-campus conversation. But after many requests for comment, Cornell appears to be unwilling to address the controversial question: Does Touchdown the Bear have sex? “The administration’s refusal to clarify this essential issue is honestly quite troubling,” stated Read More

Forty-Two Uncomfortable Freshman Receive “The Talk” From Concerned RA

HIGH RISE 5—Squirming in their seats as they sat cross-legged on the couch, forty-two uncomfortable freshmen received the “birds and the bees” talk from concerned Resident Advisor Carlie Solotoff on Monday afternoon. “You might notice some changes going on with your body, but just know that it’s totally normal,” Solotoff Read More

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the Read More

Campus STD Rates Plummet After RA Puts Clever Safe Sex Pun on Hallway Corkboard

GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17. “If you don’t use Read More

Supreme Court Decision Won’t Change Mom’s Opinion About Motorcycle-Riding Bradley

Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled Read More

Student Thinks of Female Friend ‘As a Sister’ Who He Would Still Have Sex With if Offered

ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered. “Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. Read More