Tag Archives: Sex

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably


CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the Read More

Campus STD Rates Plummet After RA Puts Clever Safe Sex Pun on Hallway Corkboard


GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17. “If you don’t use Read More

Supreme Court Decision Won’t Change Mom’s Opinion About Motorcycle-Riding Bradley


Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled Read More

Student Thinks of Female Friend ‘As a Sister’ Who He Would Still Have Sex With if Offered


ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered. “Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. Read More