MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy…
DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…
MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just animals. My Cornell education has…
DONLON HALL—Despite having no roommates, Justin Palmer ’23 proudly displayed a sock on the doorknob of his hallway single after receiving female company late Wednesday evening. A sock on the doorknob, the widely-recognized warning signal to returning roommates of ongoing sexual activity, has traditionally been viewed as unnecessary when only one person occupies a room….
COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, or whatever. But those things…
STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him. “I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want…
DOWNTOWN ITHACA—In a statement released earlier today, The Cornell Daily Sun has announced that their latest “Sex on Thursdays” article will be straight-up, uncensored porn. “We’ve always felt the need to give our ‘Sex on Thursdays’ writers as much creative freedom as possible, so it’s only fitting that one of them would upload a personal…
LYON HALL—On Monday, twisted little shit Taylor Gillis ’21 rounded off his pre-enroll session by signing up for a challenging class for the sole purpose of learning more about the subject matter. By enrolling in MATH 6220 Rimannian Geomentry, fucked-up degenerate Gillis hoped to delve into the complex mathematical material for no other reason than…
DAY HALL—Following last weekend’s Homecoming festivities, one topic has come to dominate the on-campus conversation. But after many requests for comment, Cornell appears to be unwilling to address the controversial question: Does Touchdown the Bear have sex? “The administration’s refusal to clarify this essential issue is honestly quite troubling,” stated student representative Bryan Wiseman ‘18….
HIGH RISE 5—Squirming in their seats as they sat cross-legged on the couch, forty-two uncomfortable freshmen received the “birds and the bees” talk from concerned Resident Advisor Carlie Solotoff on Monday afternoon. “You might notice some changes going on with your body, but just know that it’s totally normal,” Solotoff reassured the circle of uneasy…
