STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him.
“I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want to do everything I can to help them out, provided they have sex with me,” said Devlin, who has made the charitable offer every year since one struggling student suggested it to him in 2011. “I also understand many students who want to skip their finals don’t have time in the evenings, so I make sure to provide plenty of office hours for intercourse during the workday.”
While other professors appreciate the spirit of Devlin’s policy, the details prove to be controversial. “Letting students skip a final if they fuck you? That’s just irresponsible,” said fellow Hotel Professor Eric Madigan. “I only let the students who hook up with me drop one homework grade, at most.”
Since Devlin’s inevitable firing will leave a space for a new hotel professor, his selfless actions will be supporting the future of academia for years to come.