STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable.
“I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else before I can really nail down the flavors. I’m going to be sloshed as hell after that exam, there’s absolutely no way I’m going to pass Tightrope Walking if it’s ten minutes later. I mean, we haven’t been briefed on what the final actually is, but I heard a student from last year mention it included juggling, and I simply cannot do that zooted.”
The finals schedule has inspired outrage among local students, claiming that while they took these classes to get easy A’s, the schedule is the one possible instance where those grades would be in jeopardy. HADM 4300, Introduction to Wines, and CRCS 2200, Essential Tightrope Walking Mechanics and Principles, have long been staples of the senior class schedule. Dr. Jefferson Bufoon, instructor of CRCS 2200, begs to differ.
“I have spent all semester preparing my students for exactly this type of wacky comeuppance,” stated Dr. Bufoon. “Rings of fire, balancing beach balls on their heads, and having a large crowd pelt them tomatoes. If they can’t toe the Ringling line while just a little tipsy, frankly they don’t deserve to pass my course.”
At press time, administration agreed to compromise and leave a twenty-minute power-nap break in the middle for students, along with making Gatorade and coffee available at the second exam for any hangovers.
ROSE HOUSE—After a series of dangerous public opinion polls demonstrated that Cornell’s three non-STEM colleges contributed “absolutely nothing positive to society,” the trio of management schools decided to set their differences aside to form a giant super-mech with the strength to defeat any plebes who stand in their way.
“People usually think, ‘Oh, ILR, they’re the pro-worker one,’” explained senior Carlsen Tucker ‘23, using the mech’s sword to cut a tenement building in half. “But we can fuck up the poor with the best of them. You know we send the same percentage of grads into consulting as Dyson does, right? Like five grads per year actually go into unions, the rest of us dedicate our lives to crushing their hope.”
Reports indicate that the mech was purchased with money from one Hotel major’s parents, on the condition that the mech be named after their hotel chain and that their son control the head. After discovering the head does not actually do much, the crew of the Monster Marriott began to squabble over who was causing the most damage. Ultimately, all agreed that the Hotelie could sit back while Dyson controlled the mech’s right arm and leg and ILR took the left.
“Genuinely, fuck you for making me associate with these three,” raged Dyson junior Jonathan Kirkland ‘24, hurling a public school bus into space with the left arm. “Do you know how high their admissions rates are? They’re in the teens! My father fucking founded Costco, he didn’t slave away calculating bulk discounts so I could attend school with the merely above average. But fuck it, if our interests happen to align for as long as it takes to smash an insubordinate underclass, so be it.”
After a full day causing havoc, the mech was forced to close its doors after a repeal of government subsidies for anime death machines rendered the project merely mildly profitable.
STATLER HALL– As the 100th anniversary of the Peter and Stephanie Nolan School of Hotel Administration approaches, Ezra Cornell has risen from the grave to speak his mind. Climbing out of his marble sarcophagus in Sage Chapel on Friday night, Cornell’s founding father finally set the record straight on the #1 hospitality program in the United States: “I was kidding, guys.”
The School of Hotel Administration was reportedly founded after administrators found a note scrawled in the margin of the original Cornell charter stating, “I would found an institution where any student with familial ties to the Mariott empire could take a bunch of cooking classes and then go work for Bank of America.” Those administrators apparently did not read the subsequent line, “LOL.”
Students and administrators had mixed reactions to this bombshell admission. Some fervently defended the merits of an Ivy League hospitality program, while others, like Kiley Harrison, Hotel ’25, were less surprised. “After I took the second 4-credit required course on how to use PowerPoint, I started thinking something had to be going on,” noted Harrison. “It actually makes me feel a lot better knowing this was a joke, and no one actually thinks this is a useful curriculum.”
Ezra told reporters he considers “Hotel School” to be one of his most hilarious gag ideas, right up there with making freshmen swim three laps to graduate, “chimesmasters” blasting unidentifiable pop hits out of McGraw Tower at 8 am, and “Big Slope.”
COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers.
“It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were trying so hard to get a raise and like have health and safety precautions addressed and shit? Like can’t they just ask for one? Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to when you could just get another job that pays more.”
Worcestershire, a hotelie and singular heir to multiple generations of accumulated wealth, couldn’t quite comprehend why anyone would ever want to work as a Starbucks barista, and decided to take matters into his own hands.
“I was really bothered by the whole thing, so I started doing some digging and I found out that Dunkin’ actually pays their workers $2.90 more as their starting wage. I asked them for a few job applications and I’m planning to drop them off at Starbs tomorrow morning. I should probably also tell them that they should like talk to their connections and shit about getting a better job or whatever.”
As of press time, Worcestershire was seen begging his father not to cave in to the pressure of his employees so as to preserve as much of his multi-billion dollar inheritance as possible.
STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him.
“I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want to do everything I can to help them out, provided they have sex with me,” said Devlin, who has made the charitable offer every year since one struggling student suggested it to him in 2011. “I also understand many students who want to skip their finals don’t have time in the evenings, so I make sure to provide plenty of office hours for intercourse during the workday.”
While other professors appreciate the spirit of Devlin’s policy, the details prove to be controversial. “Letting students skip a final if they fuck you? That’s just irresponsible,” said fellow Hotel Professor Eric Madigan. “I only let the students who hook up with me drop one homework grade, at most.”
Since Devlin’s inevitable firing will leave a space for a new hotel professor, his selfless actions will be supporting the future of academia for years to come.
STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns.
Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, almost no food was served. “It was an eight course meal, but I mean, most of the courses were a single jelly bean,” said one unsatisfied student.
“The food doesn’t matter,” Lowett wrote in the Facebook event for the dinner. “I tried to do some groundbreaking stuff, stop asking me about the food.”
The dining experience, advertised as “an evening inside a mirror,” further upset the customers with 3 hours of loud spoken word poetry about the planet Mars blasted over the speaker system.
Lowett’s professor has publicly come out supporting the dinner theme, stating: “Lowett really revolutionized the Establishment’s themed dinners. People didn’t understand Picasso when he drew noses on foreheads. This is the same thing.”
Despite many complaints about the dining experience, the University has announced that part of Lowett’s dinner will be transformed into the next arts quad exhibit.