“Why Don’t Starbucks Workers Just Get A Better Job?” Asks Hotelie With Net Worth of a Small Country

COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers. 

“It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were trying so hard to get a raise and like have health and safety precautions addressed and shit? Like can’t they just ask for one? Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to when you could just get another job that pays more.”

Worcestershire, a hotelie and singular heir to multiple generations of accumulated wealth, couldn’t quite comprehend why anyone would ever want to work as a Starbucks barista, and decided to take matters into his own hands.

“I was really bothered by the whole thing, so I started doing some digging and I found out that Dunkin’ actually pays their workers $2.90 more as their starting wage. I asked them for a few job applications and I’m planning to drop them off at Starbs tomorrow morning. I should probably also tell them that they should like talk to their connections and shit about getting a better job or whatever.”

As of press time, Worcestershire was seen begging his father not to cave in to the pressure of his employees so as to preserve as much of his multi-billion dollar inheritance as possible.

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