HIGH RISE 5- During a holiday card writing party, Freshman Charity Parker engaged in what Jewish friends are calling the greatest display of ignorance since some idiot thought that a clearly 8-night bottle of oil would only last for one night. Sources say that as Charity jotted down heartfelt well-wishes to her religiously…
WEST CAMPUS— After a grueling season of final exams and projects, students were forced to stay in Ithaca one day longer than they would have otherwise, cutting into their exciting winter vacation plans. “Do you know how fucking excited I was for break?” James Allen ‘24 asked incredulously. “If Mother Nature wasn’t intent on shitting…
CORNELL HEALTH–Noah Barnum ‘23 was left shocked after chronically swagless therapists at CAPS misdiagnosed him with a major psychological disorder instead of a “baller lifestyle.” “Yeah, I’ve been having some motivation problems lately, but who hasn’t?” said Barnum, while curled around a pile of dirty laundry on crumb-covered sheets at 4 pm. “Sure, I haven’t…
MALOTT HALL—’Tis the season of Christmas and finals! To gift his physics students a smidgen of holiday cheer, Professor Jason McDougal snuck in a silly little reference to Santa Claus in the middle of his grueling 256-question final exam. “The kids deserve something fun, after crying their eyes out for half the test!” McDougal explained…
MORRISON HALL—After years of student probing and questioning over the recipe to Morrison Hall’s famous baked goods, Cornell Dining chefs have finally acknowledged the secret ingredient in every Cornell muffin: pure hatred. “Every muffin we produce is crafted with pure disdain in order to produce the taste of distilled loathing every Cornell student loves,” explained…
STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable. “I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else…
The following letter from Vice President Ryan Lombardi was delivered to your address this morning. Good morning, What up?! It’s your pal Ryan. How have you been? Excited for the holidays? Boy, I know I am! Nothing gets me jollier like cold weather and jingle bells in the distance. There’s nothing I want more this…
DAY HALL—In the face of near-constant criticism from faculty and student advocates that the university’s administration does not do enough, Cornell’s front office has decided to silence doubters with an undeniably swift and decisive form of action. “Today, we make history,” announced President Martha Pollack. “For the first time in this University’s almost two centuries…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…
