UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite. The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta…
MORRISON HALL––Following the launch of North Campus’s Morrison Dining Hall this January, Student & Campus Life has announced a new substitute for meal swipes: students can now access the state-of-the-art dining facility by narrating the entire plot of Toni Morrison’s novel, Beloved. Within days of the announcement, every copy of Beloved was checked out of…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. “It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. “Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Just 15 hours before the first lesson of the semester, one Arts and Sciences professor is giddy in anticipation of finding out the subject, content, and themes of the course he is about to start teaching. “It’s such an exciting time–students are coming back, finalizing their schedules, and some classes still don’t even…
