COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night.
“We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking up our physical, corporeal bodies,” said Darrin McDonough ‘22. “With that in mind, it’s pretty chill if you wanna drink this Tuesday. I mean, why the fuck not, right?”
With classes shifted online amidst the long Ithaca winter and no end in sight for many pandemic-related restrictions, Collegetown residents determined that this Tuesday— a day considered by many to be the last on which one cannot reasonably justify a tipple—would be cleared for alcoholic consumption as a humane method of lessening the deleterious effects of Cornell’s present reality. Although no central government was responsible for reaching this conclusion, it was clear that the student populace was in complete consensus.
“After I got off my fourth and final Zoom class of the day, I just went straight for the special occasion whiskey on top of the fridge,” disclosed Marina Walker ‘23. “I was a little worried someone might see what I was doing and get judgy, but it was pretty clear my roommates had already taken a few swigs themselves. And then I saw the people in the house across the street hauling in a keg. It made me realize that sometimes extraordinary times call for the most ordinary of comforts: getting shitfaced beyond all belief on the most boring day of the week.”
At press time, students had already waived restrictions on dropping acid on Wednesdays.