STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him.
“I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want to do everything I can to help them out, provided they have sex with me,” said Devlin, who has made the charitable offer every year since one struggling student suggested it to him in 2011. “I also understand many students who want to skip their finals don’t have time in the evenings, so I make sure to provide plenty of office hours for intercourse during the workday.”
While other professors appreciate the spirit of Devlin’s policy, the details prove to be controversial. “Letting students skip a final if they fuck you? That’s just irresponsible,” said fellow Hotel Professor Eric Madigan. “I only let the students who hook up with me drop one homework grade, at most.”
Since Devlin’s inevitable firing will leave a space for a new hotel professor, his selfless actions will be supporting the future of academia for years to come.
THURSTON HALL—Despite the imminent end of this academic year, Jameson Tucker ‘21 continues to struggle with the first problem set of the semester for his PHYS 2213 course.
“I’ve been comparing with other students, coming to office hours every week, and I even bought a chegg account,” said Tucker, sitting with a baffled TA. “But I just can’t quite figure out how the professor got the answers for this first problem set.”
Tucker remains hopeful, despite having 13 more chapters to cover before tomorrow’s final.
“I just feel like if I can have that ‘a-ha’ moment and get this one question, I’ll finally be able to move on to the second problem set and eventually start studying for the final,” said Tucker with a desperate sigh.
Sources reported signs of a continued tragedy for the hopeless student, as Tucker also has a final paper due on Thursday, for which he has to write 15–20 pages on the eight novels he has yet to open.
Edging out Plant Sciences by 40 votes, the winner of the second annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Food Sciences! Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, Food Sciences is crowned the absolute toppest. Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament. Food Sciences nerds have won three articles about their major, which will appear on our site over the next few weeks!
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March Madness may be over, but the 2nd annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is still wrapping up and BOY oh BOY, ain’t it toasty up in here?! Vote to crown this year’s majorly most major Cornell major. This round ends Thursday at 11:59PM, winner announced Friday. May the best major win!
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head.
“I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I still have an endless to-do list,” Crane said. “The nightmare of writing an essay on a semester’s worth of God-knows-what won’t leave me.”
Crane was observed scrolling through social media for two hours and then breaking down after chastising herself for wasting all that time, only to not be able to decide what to do next and reopening every closed tab.
“I reminded Sharon to email her grandfather to wish him a ‘Happy Birthday,’ but each time I checked in, she was either on Netflix or napping,” said Mrs. Crane. “She can’t seem to start any new tasks without crumbling and binge-eating raw cookie dough.”
Crane showed signs of recovery after taking a break from reloading the Grades page on Student Center to watch her cat dive into a box, yet sources confirmed that she later lapsed back into uncontrollable tears when her father asked if she had any thoughts on where she’d like to intern this summer.
HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior.
“We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” said Elizabeth Harvey ’16, president of Squirrel Watching Club, in a statement released to the public after coming under significant fire for their failure. “We’re the ones in charge of keeping the squirrels in line, so we need to do a better job.”
The club’s statement blamed a sleepy freshman for falling asleep during his squirrel watching shift, and assured students that from now on, the Squirrel Watchers training will be stricter, and coffee will become mandatory during night watch shifts.
“It was awful,” said Fred Carmichael ’17. “I was just walking to Uris when a squirrel leapt on my back, realized I wasn’t a nut, then jumped back into the swarm of fuzzy woodland creatures that were taking up the wall of Willard Straight.”
The shortcomings of the Squirrel Watching club are horrendous, but one can only really place blame on the Squirrel Watcher Watchers Club for not watching the Squirrel Watching club closely enough.
OLIN LIBRARY — In what witnesses are calling a true miracle, it has been confirmed that Ethan Gold’s iPhone battery managed to last eight days straight while he was studying in Olin library for his final exams.
“I was shocked by how long the battery lasted,” Gold recounted. “Going into the first day of finals week, I noticed I had left my phone charger in my dorm, and couldn’t afford to waste the time to go back and get it. I thought it had at most one day of power.”
Gold had worried that once his phone was drained, he would have to leave his studies to find someone with a cord and an outlet. Yet the charge carried on, and Gold was able to stay in the library for a full eight days and eight nights.
He added, “after day three my phone was already down to under 20%, and on the final two days my phone held out with under 5% battery. I’m tempted to say God is looking out for me.”
After taking his exams and handing in his papers, Gold was seen returning to his dorm, celebrating the miracle of his phone—one he and his people will never forget.
BAKER HALL — After trying several times to help one of his students with a difficult problem set, Materials Science Professor Dr. Jared Schafer was still attempting to comprehend Sophie Adler’s ’18 baffling inability to understand difficult concepts.
“I’m really having a hard time understanding why you’re not getting this,” he said to the novice he saw as a hopeless cause. “I could’ve sworn I saw you in yesterday’s lecture,” said Schafer, as he entertained the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the stress-addled undergraduate was just messing with him.
When asked to comment on the situation, Schafer said, “I try to figure out how to solve the problem of showing students how to solve this problem. As it turns out, that’s a very difficult and tiring job. At times, the best answer is to recommend students like Sophie need to find another career path.”
Schafer is currently in search of a tutor to teach him how to not understand his material so he can better assist his pupils.