“Does Your Mother Cry Because Her Daughter Is An Idiot?” Chem TA Compliments Curious Review Session Attendee

BAKER LAB—Organic Chemistry TA Kristen Pletcher ‘23 bolstered the confidence of nervous students during a pre-final review session last Thursday with true Chem Department spirit. After Rachel Cobb ‘25 attempted to clarify her understanding of stereoisomers, Pletcher replied with a reassuring question of her own: “Did your parents find it hard to raise a child who ended up such a disappointment?”

“I’ll give you all my number one piece of advice for this final: find a new major,” said Pletcher. “Your presence at this review session only confirms the fact that none of you are cut out for Chemistry.If you put together all two of your brain cells, maybe you’d do okay in Communications,” Pletcher continued, assuring the students that everything was going to work out just fine for them. Pletcher then turned to face Cobb. “And you specifically, you’re clearly ready to stop studying right this very moment. A more valuable use of your time would be trying to pass your hand through a table by lining up each of the individual atoms. TAing this class is incredibly hard work, but there’s no greater reward than knowing that I won’t have to see any of you ever again.”

After her rousing pep talk, Pletcher offered the students a healthy snack. “Here, have a bite of this,” she prompted, holding out a piece of chalk. “I bet this looks delicious to you. Mmm tasty, right? If you’re asking questions like that you must be eating this stuff by the boxful.” Though the students were touched by Pletcher’s kind gesture, they declined to partake in the scrumptious sedimentary rock as their brains were already filled up with knowledge.

“It’s nice to have the teaching staff take a personal interest in my education. No other TA has ever asked me about my parents before,” said Cobb. “I was really nervous for this final, but now I know that there’s no point in stressing over something I’ll never be able to do.” Cobb reported that she had spent the prior two days cramming for the final, but after the review session she felt able to simply weep openly about her unpromising future.

The review session continued almost entirely without event until another student requested that Pletcher talk at a marginally slower place, forcing Pletcher to pedagogically bash him over the head with a titration burette as dictated by the course syllabus.

Wines Final Scheduled Directly Before Tightrope-Walking Final

STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable.

“I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else before I can really nail down the flavors. I’m going to be sloshed as hell after that exam, there’s absolutely no way I’m going to pass Tightrope Walking if it’s ten minutes later. I mean, we haven’t been briefed on what the final actually is, but I heard a student from last year mention it included juggling, and I simply cannot do that zooted.”

The finals schedule has inspired outrage among local students, claiming that while they took these classes to get easy A’s, the schedule is the one possible instance where those grades would be in jeopardy. HADM 4300, Introduction to Wines, and CRCS 2200, Essential Tightrope Walking Mechanics and Principles, have long been staples of the senior class schedule. Dr. Jefferson Bufoon, instructor of CRCS 2200, begs to differ.

“I have spent all semester preparing my students for exactly this type of wacky comeuppance,” stated Dr. Bufoon. “Rings of fire, balancing beach balls on their heads, and having a large crowd pelt them tomatoes. If they can’t toe the Ringling line while just a little tipsy, frankly they don’t deserve to pass my course.”

At press time, administration agreed to compromise and leave a twenty-minute power-nap break in the middle for students, along with making Gatorade and coffee available at the second exam for any hangovers.

Fashion Major Stressed The Fuck Out About Zipper Final

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers.

“I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head right now. I can’t remember which goddamn zipper tooth is the beginning of the zipper, fuck…is it right or left? I do know that the zipper was invented by Whitcomb L. Judson and Gideon Sundback, those fucking wet sorry sacks of fuck are the reason I have to know all this horseshit. And oh my god… My final project is such a mess. It won’t even zip! I am going to crap myself.”

The final exam is a culmination of FSAD 4500: Fasteners and Haberdasheries II, a class that focuses on the different items used to clasp together various kinds of clothing. The breadth of the course is wide, including the historical origins and methods of application of: buttons on coats, buttons on pants, large buttons on coats, large buttons on pants, snap buttons on coats, snap buttons on pants, laces on boots, laces on coats, velcro on sneakers, velcro on coats, and of course, zippers on coats, zippers on pants, zippers on shirts, and zippers on bags.

In an act of desperation, Suh has decided to cut out the zipper from her own pants to present as her final project. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to her, 23 students have received academic integrity violations doing just that, 15 of whom have been expelled.

Generous Professor Lets Students Skip Final if They Have Sex With Him

STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him.

“I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want to do everything I can to help them out, provided they have sex with me,” said Devlin, who has made the charitable offer every year since one struggling student suggested it to him in 2011. “I also understand many students who want to skip their finals don’t have time in the evenings, so I make sure to provide plenty of office hours for intercourse during the workday.”

While other professors appreciate the spirit of Devlin’s policy, the details prove to be controversial. “Letting students skip a final if they fuck you? That’s just irresponsible,” said fellow Hotel Professor Eric Madigan. “I only let the students who hook up with me drop one homework grade, at most.”

Since Devlin’s inevitable firing will leave a space for a new hotel professor, his selfless actions will be supporting the future of academia for years to come.

Hopeless Student Still Stuck On Problem Set 1

THURSTON HALL—Despite the imminent end of this academic year, Jameson Tucker ‘21 continues to struggle with the first problem set of the semester for his PHYS 2213 course.

“I’ve been comparing with other students, coming to office hours every week, and I even bought a chegg account,” said Tucker, sitting with a baffled TA. “But I just can’t quite figure out how the professor got the answers for this first problem set.”

Tucker remains hopeful, despite having 13 more chapters to cover before tomorrow’s final.

“I just feel like if I can have that ‘a-ha’ moment and get this one question, I’ll finally be able to move on to the second problem set and eventually start studying for the final,” said Tucker with a desperate sigh.

Sources reported signs of a continued tragedy for the hopeless student, as Tucker also has a final paper due on Thursday, for which he has to write 15–20 pages on the eight novels he has yet to open.

2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament Winner: FOOD SCIENCES

Edging out Plant Sciences by 40 votes, the winner of the second annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Food Sciences! Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, Food Sciences is crowned the absolute toppest. Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament. Food Sciences nerds have won three articles about their major, which will appear on our site over the next few weeks!

Click here to see the complete bracket.


Junior on Winter Break Unsure What to Do With Leftover Finals Anxiety

GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After frantically packing and driving for five hours straight, Sharon Crane ‘18 arrived home for winter break with the leftover anxiety she stored up for finals still buzzing in her head.

“I know that I’m done with exams and all of the stress is behind me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I still have an endless to-do list,” Crane said. “The nightmare of writing an essay on a semester’s worth of God-knows-what won’t leave me.”

Crane was observed scrolling through social media for two hours and then breaking down after chastising herself for wasting all that time, only to not be able to decide what to do next and reopening every closed tab.

“I reminded Sharon to email her grandfather to wish him a ‘Happy Birthday,’ but each time I checked in, she was either on Netflix or napping,” said Mrs. Crane. “She can’t seem to start any new tasks without crumbling and binge-eating raw cookie dough.”

Crane showed signs of recovery after taking a break from reloading the Grades page on Student Center to watch her cat dive into a box, yet sources confirmed that she later lapsed back into uncontrollable tears when her father asked if she had any thoughts on where she’d like to intern this summer.

Squirrel Watching Club Neglects Duties as Squirrels Rampage Through Campus

HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior.

“We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” said Elizabeth Harvey ’16, president of Squirrel Watching Club, in a statement released to the public after coming under significant fire for their failure. “We’re the ones in charge of keeping the squirrels in line, so we need to do a better job.”

The club’s statement blamed a sleepy freshman for falling asleep during his squirrel watching shift, and assured students that from now on, the Squirrel Watchers training will be stricter, and coffee will become mandatory during night watch shifts.

“It was awful,” said Fred Carmichael ’17. “I was just walking to Uris when a squirrel leapt on my back, realized I wasn’t a nut, then jumped back into the swarm of fuzzy woodland creatures that were taking up the wall of Willard Straight.”

The shortcomings of the Squirrel Watching club are horrendous, but one can only really place blame on the Squirrel Watcher Watchers Club for not watching the Squirrel Watching club closely enough.

Low iPhone Battery Miraculously Lasts 8 Days in Library

OLIN LIBRARY — In what witnesses are calling a true miracle, it has been confirmed that Ethan Gold’s iPhone battery managed to last eight days straight while he was studying in Olin library for his final exams.

“I was shocked by how long the battery lasted,” Gold recounted. “Going into the first day of finals week, I noticed I had left my phone charger in my dorm, and couldn’t afford to waste the time to go back and get it. I thought it had at most one day of power.”

Gold had worried that once his phone was drained, he would have to leave his studies to find someone with a cord and an outlet. Yet the charge carried on, and Gold was able to stay in the library for a full eight days and eight nights.

He added, “after day three my phone was already down to under 20%, and on the final two days my phone held out with under 5% battery. I’m tempted to say God is looking out for me.”

After taking his exams and handing in his papers, Gold was seen returning to his dorm, celebrating the miracle of his phone—one he and his people will never forget.