Ryan Lombardi Begs Students to Go Back to Making Snow Penises Instead

DAY HALL—Following the discovery of swastikas drawn in snow on North Campus this week, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi has been desperately pleading for students to return to the snow penises of the past.

“Please, for the love of God, go back to penises,” Lombardi wrote in an email to students, yearning for the days of wintery phallus after phallus, instead of the third swastika drawn this week. “Don’t you all remember snow penises? Dicks on whiteboards instead of symbols of terror? Let’s make those instead.”

Lombardi clarified his position in a follow-up email. “I’m looking for strong, girthy snow dicks. Or even limp ones, or snow vaginas—anything, just no hate crime vandalism,” the email read. “And don’t twist my words and try to make a ‘swasdicka’ or anything.”

By 4:00 PM, members of the Task Force on Campus Climate were seen on North Campus frantically building snowmen and tracing phallic shapes in the snow to cover the swastikas.

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