HELEN NEWMAN BASKETBALL COURT–Johnathan Cool ‘24 has been an NCAA champion wrestler for 2 years and counting, and was set to make another run at the title this upcoming year, where he was sure to make a splash in the tournament. His coaches and admirers had been expecting his grand return, when he suddenly came out with a stunning announcement.
“I have decided to give up wrestling, and pursue my true passion: basketball. I want to be a high flier, dunking and all,” proclaimed Cool. Immediately there was commotion on the wrestling mat. Some of Cool’s fellow wrestlers stopped grappling and turned to stare in shock. His coaches threw down their clipboards in anguish, and it was at this point that some of Cool’s teammates needed their voices to be heard.
“I mean, the man is 5’6” with shoes on,” exclaimed Cool’s grappling partner, Henry Hahn ‘24. “Does he think that with enough practice he’s going to become Vince Carter? I mean, it’s one thing if he were even close to six feet, but at this point, he’s going to need to hire a tall person to carry him up to the basket, isn’t he?”
When asked to clarify if he wanted to dunk on his own power, or if he could gain some desperately needed assistance, Cool replied, “Own power? Oh god no. Find the tallest fucker around and get him to hoist me onto his sinewy shoulders, upon which I shall carry a basketball up to the basket and gently push it through.”
After a near 13 hour scramble to find the tallest person on campus, the coaches finally found Jack Fromm ‘23, the backup center for Big Red Basketball. A stocky man, what Cool lacked in height he made up in mass and gusto, and with a strained effort from the center, the group were able to hoist the short, ambitious man upon the center’s shoulders and put a basketball through the net just before the center, ladder, and Mr. Cool all collapsed onto the ground.
Asked for comment after the dunking endeavor, Mr. Cool simply said, “sick.”