Better Luck Next Time! Intramural Soccer Team Goes 0-1 Against Only Other Team in League

JESSUP FIELD—On Tuesday night, the hotly anticipated Cornell 2022 Intramural Outdoor Soccer League championship game—which was also the first game of the season—came to an underwhelming close. Team SOCCr, a ragtag group of CHEM2070 all-star students, put up a valiant effort but ultimately lost their chance at the glory that comes with intramural excellence.  

“We thought it would be a really fun way to meet some new people,” reported team captain Jakey McQuaid, A&S ‘26. The team was shocked to discover that they were quite literally the only ones who thought that. 

Things may have gone differently for team SOCCr had they spent more time practicing and less time coming up with their team name (an inspired play on the word “soccer” using the elements Sulfur, Oxygen, Carbon, and Chromium). Their opponents, a dead-eyed squadron of ROTC seniors made jaded by years of demanding on-campus military service, reportedly did not get the joke. 

After a riveting ten minutes of intense gameplay, team SOCCr ultimately took the loss in a 26-0 mercy ruling. Still, their loyal fanbase was heartened by the crew’s gutsy performance. “I think they did an awesome job!” reported lone crowd member McQuaid’s mom, who drove up for the big match. “The most important thing is that everyone had fun.” 

Unfortunately, team SOCCr will be unavailable to take another shot at victory in next year’s championship, as they have all been recruited by the Varsity Football team.

Football Player with Humiliation Kink Really Excited for Yale Game

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated.

“I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through his jersey despite being benched the entirety of practice. “I’ll wait till I’m a few yards from the end zone and then drop the ball through my naughty, naughty fingers. Maybe the referee will even call me a bad boy. Normally I’m a wide receiver, but let’s just say I’ll be a tight end tomorrow.”

Despite consistently ruining the dreams of inebriated students and washed-up investment bankers desperately reliving the glory days alike, Gable maintains that he’s seen nothing but benefits from his career of erotic failure.

“People ask me if I have a hard time making friends when I have such an obvious, life-consuming fetish, but on the Cornell football team I fit right in. Why else would everyone keep fumbling, missing extra points, and letting the opposing team plow through our defense like a car at a full crosswalk in Collegetown? There’s no way Cornell accidentally recruited that many bad players,” said Gable, who is not on speaking terms with any other members of the team.

Gable concluded by stating that at least he was “nowhere near as freaky” as “that furry in the bear suit.”

PE Self Defense Instructor Breaks Into Students’ Homes to Evaluate Progress

HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” 

“How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense capabilities if I’m not allowed to take careful notes on their gravest weaknesses, stalk their homes for potential entry points, memorize their daily schedules, and then pounce when they least expect it?” noted an exasperated Ladin. “Also, this has been in the syllabus all semester so I don’t know why it was a surprise.”

Several students have protested that the class material did not adequately prepare them for some aspects of the attack. “He literally busted down my apartment door, kicked me directly in the face, and yelled, ‘You’ve been John-ed, dumbass!’ None of that was on the study guide,” complained Max Green ‘23. 

“I actually did read the syllabus so I knew this was coming, but it was already past the drop deadline and I’d honestly rather get my shit rocked than take a W on my transcript,” admitted Amy Price ‘24. “I’m really not sure how I did, but I heard one kid just curled up in a fetal position and started crying for his mommy, so I’m hoping it’s graded on a curve” 

In response to complaints from students, VP Ryan Lombardi defended Ladin’s actions, writing, “We take great pride in the rigor of our coursework. Cornell is a world-class institution dedicated to preparing its students for anything life may throw at them, including a 4 am haymaker to the scapula. If these students can handle John’s violent attempt at their physical safety, we’ll know the university is doing its job.” 

Ice Hockey and, uhh, Some Other Sports Cancelled, We Think

TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well.

“We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with the program,” said Noel. “From Head Coach Mike Schaefer ’86 to the nice woman who sells the soft pretzels at Lynah, the athletic department will continue to support them, as well as the—wait… are there other sports? Is it just hockey? I only ever hear about hockey.”

According to a press release, all intercollegiate games between ice hockey teams will be shut down in response to the Covid-19 pandemic, a crushing blow to a program with high expectations for another elite finish. The student body expressed dismay at the news of hockey’s demise and utter indifference towards the fates of any other sports that may have been scheduled.

“Even if we couldn’t attend in person, I was really looking forward to supporting Big Red this year as we competed for another national title at Lynah,” lamented Ellen Satoranski ’24. When asked about her thoughts on other sports, Satoranski appeared confused. “Are you sure there was anything else?” she asked. “I guess maybe, like, did football get canceled? Maybe racquetball? Yeah, I really couldn’t say.”

At press time, members of the fencing team were also reported to be devastated by the loss of hockey.

Cornell Athletics Finally Sees Positive Results

TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week.

“I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year where the glory of victory will be undetected.” said Cornell Football’s Head Coach David Archer. “Then I learned that a cluster of positive cases popped up on my team. Positive cases must mean that my boys are distinguishing themselves from other students. I wish they had saved some of those scores for next season. We would probably be undefeated!”

News of the positive results spread like the plague after Athletics Director Andy Noel had something to say about the fever it was creating within the athletics department.

“Many of our varsity coaches have been telling me about the positive cases popping up on their respective teams, and I must say I’m impressed by our student athletes’ abilities and drive to turn a bad situation good,” said Noel. “Our community’s actions were even recognized by VP Lombardi last week. I think publicity like this calls for a celebration of sorts, like a party for the entire department and our athletes!”

Cornell Athletics was delighted to find that their athletes’ success has been an inspiration for the general student body, as positive results have already begun spreading to the rest of campus.


Senior Football Players Throw Game to Give Classmates ‘Authentic Homecoming Experience’

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. 

“This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel like a real Cornell homecoming unless we suffered a devastating loss in the most highly attended home game of the season.”

While some players initially expressed concern about the sportsmanship of throwing the game, the entire senior class was won over by a speech from Punter Mallex Washington ‘20, who convinced his teammates that this game was about more than the selfish desire to win. 

“Mallex reminded us that we play for the thousands of students who expect us to play Cornell Football out there every weekend. If that means we have to intentionally lose on homecoming, then so be it,” said Wide Receiver J.T. Flores ‘20, who dropped 4 passes on Sunday. 

When word of the seniors’ plot made its way to Head Coach David Archer he was irate. At today’s early morning team video session, he verbally reprimanded his senior class and placed all 11 players on indefinite suspensions. At press time, Archer was reportedly drafting an email to his players highlighting the Big Red’s .550 career winning percentage and “recent” 1939 National Championship season.


Photo Credit: Cornell Daily Sun (Borris Tsang)

Coach David Archer Brings Football Team to Chuck E. Cheese’s to Cheer Them Up After Tough Loss

CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost to them, so that they don’t feel so alone,” said Archer, who has coached Big Red since it was suggested to him by some parents in 2013. “I tried to get them all even playing time, but they were still pretty demoralized at the end. A little trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s will get their fighting spirit back!”

Most players were excited to hit the arcade, while a few hung back to enjoy the soft serve and snacks. One sophomore, still teary after having dropped ten passes, had to get cheered up by the animatronic mouse himself before joining his friends at the foosball table.

As smiles returned to the tired players’ faces, the evening seemed to be a hit. “I love it here, especially the Rock’em Sock’em games—bang bang!” said linebacker Jack McDavis ‘20. “This way, they don’t hit back.”

Archer stated that his team was ready to hit the field and go back to practice, provided the university cover the entertainment center’s bill.

After Polo Coach’s Ousting, Croquet Coach Shaking in his Boots

OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—After Cornell’s massively successful polo coach was mysteriously retired, Cornell athletics has been speculating about who might be next; the very decorated croquet coach Victor Swarthmore ‘79 in particular has been shaking in his patent leather boots.

Indeed, the croquet team’s famously prestigious reputation, like polo’s, might not be enough to save him from being ousted.

“Everyone knew how much winning the polo team did, but Cornell still brought them down,” said fencer Victoria Carnegie ‘21. “So even with all that croquet money they bring in, they might be next! How the mighty fall.”

And Swarthmore is not without his red flags. In 2005 the university put him on a brief leave after an incident involving him and a referee. “In the heat of the game—you know how intense croquet can be—he just snapped and threw a ball at a ref’s head,” said Bartholomew Digsby ‘20, a current croquet athlete.

Amid all the hubbub, the sailing coach’s indictment for cocaine smuggling has apparently coasted under the campus radar.

Dick Cheney Required To Pass Intro To Handgun Safety Before Speech

Update: The former Vice President’s speech has been postponed due to him accidentally shooting the instructor and failing the class.

STATLER AUDITORIUM—In anticipation of Dick Cheney’s visit to campus, the University has required the former Vice President to successfully complete PE 1515: Introduction to Handgun Safety before being cleared to speak.

“With all of the gun violence in the country, I would personally feel safer during this event if I knew that I wouldn’t be mistaken for a quail,” said Faith Price ‘20, referring to Cheney’s hunting incident 12 years ago.

Although typical protocol for hosting conservative speakers includes making an extra effort to maintain order as protesters rally, the University predicts this won’t be necessary because many would-be protesters are scared to wear their geese-lined winter coats within 200 feet of the former Vice President.

“We take our commitment to productive discourse very seriously at Cornell, and if spending a few days training a man who was a heartbeat away from the presidency to recognize the difference between animals and people is what it takes, then so be it,” said President Martha Pollack.

Noting Cheney’s connections to racist, islamophobic, and xenophobic policies, the University suggested that he also attend Tapestry and turn his Q&A into an Intergroup Dialogue Project discussion.

Cornell Quarterback Takes Knee To Run Out Clock

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line.

“The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time it felt different,” said Jake Lin ’20, one of the game’s attendees. “Today, our quarterback showed the world that he could not ignore discrimination, or the chance of a last-second turnover becoming an easy touchdown for Harvard.”

While many prominent NFL players have recently sought to bring attention to police violence by kneeling during the national anthem, before today no such protest had actually occurred during gameplay, or had been a strategic move to end the first half.

Fans saw the Big Red’s act of solidarity as a moral victory in spite of the loss, not realizing Cornell actually won the game.