Cornell Athletics Finally Sees Positive Results

TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week.

“I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year where the glory of victory will be undetected.” said Cornell Football’s Head Coach David Archer. “Then I learned that a cluster of positive cases popped up on my team. Positive cases must mean that my boys are distinguishing themselves from other students. I wish they had saved some of those scores for next season. We would probably be undefeated!”

News of the positive results spread like the plague after Athletics Director Andy Noel had something to say about the fever it was creating within the athletics department.

“Many of our varsity coaches have been telling me about the positive cases popping up on their respective teams, and I must say I’m impressed by our student athletes’ abilities and drive to turn a bad situation good,” said Noel. “Our community’s actions were even recognized by VP Lombardi last week. I think publicity like this calls for a celebration of sorts, like a party for the entire department and our athletes!”

Cornell Athletics was delighted to find that their athletes’ success has been an inspiration for the general student body, as positive results have already begun spreading to the rest of campus.

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