BREAKING: No Big Red Football Players Selected in NFL Draft for First Time in Zero Years

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft..

“When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have any draftees this year, it really could be construed as a wake-up call. Although I tend to sleep through my alarm, so I’m not really sure how useful that would be. It’s probably significant, though.”

The Big Red, which finished the 2021 season with an abysmal 2–6 record, has not had a player drafted since 2013. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal that the program will experience a renaissance in the upcoming 2022 season.

“We’ve got some big-time dudes coming out this year, some real football-playin’ Jessies,” said Coach Archer unprompted. “I wouldn’t be shocked to see us win three, maybe even four games next year if we really play our tails off. That ought to really catch the attention of all the football teams like the Jets, the Jaguars, Clemson, and all the other big ones.”

At press time, athletic department officials were desperately lobbying general managers from the newly created United States Football League to please at least consider picking somebody, literally anybody, from Cornell to play on a professional football team.

Coach David Archer Assures Cornell Football Team They Just Barely Missed Playing in Super Bowl This Year

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year.

“When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted to let them down easy. If it takes a little white lie to make that happen, it’s a compromise I’ll have to accept.

Sources confirmed that football players felt it was “unfair” that the Cincinnati Bengals and Los Angeles Rams got to compete in the championship game. Clubhouse leaders reportedly pointed out the hypocrisy in excluding the Big Red, noting that the only factors separating Cornell Football from the NFL powerhouses was a significant gap in size, athleticism, coaching acumen, and general talent.

“It was tough to see them get so down about this, because I know the guys really tried their best this year and felt they deserved some recognition for that effort,” the coach continued. “Sure, they may have only won two games this year and finished last in the Ivy League, but the trophies they got at the end of the season told them that they’re all winners, and they really took that message to heart.”

At press time, Archer was preparing to tell his team their letter of invitation from the Olympics “must’ve gotten lost in the mail.”

Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling through his phone.

 It was not until the episode ended that Morgan checked her phone and noticed a notification that Graven had posted an Instagram story. Hoping he had taken a cute candid of her during their night in, she was reportedly taken aback when she saw the actual story. According to sources close to the situation, that was when the night took a turn.

“Dude, we were just chilling, and then out of nowhere, she starts bombarding me with questions, saying shit like ‘Why is it such a big deal that he’s retiring?’ and asking me if I even care about how she feels,” said Graven, before clarifying “All I did was throw up a story to thank the GOAT for his years dominating the game.”

Per sources, Morgan’s initial comment was that she “just thinks it’s funny” that Graven had made yet another Instagram story commemorating NFL star Tom Brady’s retirement. 

“It’s not the first time this has come up. That kid is on thin ice,” said Morgan’s roommate Heather Jones. “For her birthday a few weeks ago, he posted a blurry photo of them from a random day at like 11:45pm, but put up three college basketball highlights earlier during her birthday dinner.”

“I’m not crazy or anything,” said Morgan through clenched teeth, “I just think it’s kinda interesting that he’s posted about some football player calling it quits three times in the past week, but that he could only make one story for our six-month anniversary! He’s not even a Patriots fan!!”

When asked for further comment, Jones strongly suggested that the alignment of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day almost certainly be the nail in Graven’s coffin.

Cornell Renames Mascot “Field Goal the Bear” to Set More Realistic Standards for Athletic Teams

TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately.

“Like all of our varsity teams, Big Red Football has a proud and illustrious history,” said Noel. “However, we cannot cling to the past forever. As we continue to improve and modernize our approaches and facilities, we must also update our mascot to establish an attainable benchmark more in keeping with the team’s recent past, present, and—in all likelihood—future.”

Noel noted that although the name “Touchdown” was an apt moniker when the bear was first introduced following Cornell’s championship-winning 1915 campaign, the juxtaposition between the team’s ambitiously named mascot and the utter lack of any sort of on-field success for over three decades could only demoralize today’s hopelessly outmatched squads. Coach David Archer ‘05 seconded Noel’s comments.

“The atmosphere in the locker room gets pretty sour when the guys, emotionally buoyed by this mascot they’ve all grown up idolizing, expect to go out and get into the end zone every game,” Archer said. “They’re all worried that they disappointed Touchdown. It’s very sweet, really, but we can’t keep putting them through that every week. I’m hopeful that this rebranding will teach them that sometimes it’s better to just get points on the board so you can sleep a little easier instead of always needing to go for glory. That, I think, is the distilled spirit of the Cornell Athletic Department.”

At press time, Noel was racing to once again change the bear’s name, this time to “Positive Yardage,” following another abysmal performance.

“Did You Catch the Cornell Football Game?” and Other Conversation Starters that Will Start No Conversations

Picture this: you just took a seat at your 8 a.m. Monday morning FWS. The room is soul-crushingly quiet as your fellow first-years, slack-jawed and dead-eyed, scroll endlessly through their phones. You want more than anything to get some conversation going, but you have no idea where to begin. Desperately racking your brain for some prominent campus event, you suddenly alight upon the perfect subject: the Cornell football team’s home game this weekend! That ought to get everyone talking, right?

 

No. No it will not.

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking: It’s college football! Who wouldn’t want to bond over tailgate experiences and the thrill of the game? I’ll tell you who: literally everybody at this university. Maybe that would get people talking at some podunk Midwestern state school or an SEC powerhouse, but that bullshit is not gonna fly up here, you insufferable hayseed. All you’ll get are some confused scowls and maybe a few groans before your classmates retreat back into their sleep-deprived stupors.

 

Don’t believe me? Give it a try. And while you’re at it, here’s a few more talking points that will slaughter the social momentum of any room you’re in.

 

 

  • “Have you started the homework yet?” Yes, this is a shared reality for everyone in the class, but you can rest assured the answer is “no” unless it’s within three hours of the due date. Everyone will either think you’re a tryhard or want to copy someone else’s work, neither of which is ideal.

 

 

 

  • “Man, COVID is crazy right now, huh?” This is the only thing anyone’s thought about for the last year and a half—there’s no way anybody wants to think about it even more. Come to think of it, do you even want to be discussing this?

 

 

 

  • “How’s the internship search going for you guys?” The best-case scenario here is that nobody says jack shit because if you do get any responses, they’re probably going to be insufferable regardless of whether or not they’ve been successful.

 

 

 

  • “Did you guys see what’s going on with the Supreme Court lately?” Dude, really? Yeah, they saw, and no, they don’t want to talk politics with strangers at 8 a.m. on a Monday.

 

“So I saw this really funny thing on Reddit…” Shut the fuck up.

Ice Hockey and, uhh, Some Other Sports Cancelled, We Think

TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well.

“We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with the program,” said Noel. “From Head Coach Mike Schaefer ’86 to the nice woman who sells the soft pretzels at Lynah, the athletic department will continue to support them, as well as the—wait… are there other sports? Is it just hockey? I only ever hear about hockey.”

According to a press release, all intercollegiate games between ice hockey teams will be shut down in response to the Covid-19 pandemic, a crushing blow to a program with high expectations for another elite finish. The student body expressed dismay at the news of hockey’s demise and utter indifference towards the fates of any other sports that may have been scheduled.

“Even if we couldn’t attend in person, I was really looking forward to supporting Big Red this year as we competed for another national title at Lynah,” lamented Ellen Satoranski ’24. When asked about her thoughts on other sports, Satoranski appeared confused. “Are you sure there was anything else?” she asked. “I guess maybe, like, did football get canceled? Maybe racquetball? Yeah, I really couldn’t say.”

At press time, members of the fencing team were also reported to be devastated by the loss of hockey.

Cornell Athletics Finally Sees Positive Results

TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week.

“I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year where the glory of victory will be undetected.” said Cornell Football’s Head Coach David Archer. “Then I learned that a cluster of positive cases popped up on my team. Positive cases must mean that my boys are distinguishing themselves from other students. I wish they had saved some of those scores for next season. We would probably be undefeated!”

News of the positive results spread like the plague after Athletics Director Andy Noel had something to say about the fever it was creating within the athletics department.

“Many of our varsity coaches have been telling me about the positive cases popping up on their respective teams, and I must say I’m impressed by our student athletes’ abilities and drive to turn a bad situation good,” said Noel. “Our community’s actions were even recognized by VP Lombardi last week. I think publicity like this calls for a celebration of sorts, like a party for the entire department and our athletes!”

Cornell Athletics was delighted to find that their athletes’ success has been an inspiration for the general student body, as positive results have already begun spreading to the rest of campus.

 

“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body

OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. 

“Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you all get about your little game. As such, we have announced that we are committed to liking football and will do our very best to not compare it to much more established and international sports tournaments, for the rest of the week,” read the statement.  The statement was signed by nationals of the 95 countries represented in the Cornell student body, as well as by several international student organisations. 

The statement continued with the following stipulations; “For the rest of the week, we will respond with insightful, but measured, comments on several key factors contributing to the outcome of the game. These may or may not include: Pat Maholmes’s gunslinging offence, the earth-shaking run game of the 49-ers, and how grateful we, the international community, are that we won’t need to hear about how ‘underrated’ Tom Brady is from Patriots fans.”

“Finally, we will refrain from any eye-rolling, sarcastic comments, remarks on the quantity of advertisements, and comparisons to any of the following significantly more grounded sporting events: football, rugby, tennis, badminton, basketball, cricket, volleyball, water polo, table tennis, and hockey, for the duration of the game.” 

The statement closed with “Besides, we all know that we’re just here for the commercials anyway.”

Senior Football Players Throw Game to Give Classmates ‘Authentic Homecoming Experience’

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. 

“This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel like a real Cornell homecoming unless we suffered a devastating loss in the most highly attended home game of the season.”

While some players initially expressed concern about the sportsmanship of throwing the game, the entire senior class was won over by a speech from Punter Mallex Washington ‘20, who convinced his teammates that this game was about more than the selfish desire to win. 

“Mallex reminded us that we play for the thousands of students who expect us to play Cornell Football out there every weekend. If that means we have to intentionally lose on homecoming, then so be it,” said Wide Receiver J.T. Flores ‘20, who dropped 4 passes on Sunday. 

When word of the seniors’ plot made its way to Head Coach David Archer he was irate. At today’s early morning team video session, he verbally reprimanded his senior class and placed all 11 players on indefinite suspensions. At press time, Archer was reportedly drafting an email to his players highlighting the Big Red’s .550 career winning percentage and “recent” 1939 National Championship season.

 

Photo Credit: Cornell Daily Sun (Borris Tsang)

Coach David Archer Brings Football Team to Chuck E. Cheese’s to Cheer Them Up After Tough Loss

CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost to them, so that they don’t feel so alone,” said Archer, who has coached Big Red since it was suggested to him by some parents in 2013. “I tried to get them all even playing time, but they were still pretty demoralized at the end. A little trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s will get their fighting spirit back!”

Most players were excited to hit the arcade, while a few hung back to enjoy the soft serve and snacks. One sophomore, still teary after having dropped ten passes, had to get cheered up by the animatronic mouse himself before joining his friends at the foosball table.

As smiles returned to the tired players’ faces, the evening seemed to be a hit. “I love it here, especially the Rock’em Sock’em games—bang bang!” said linebacker Jack McDavis ‘20. “This way, they don’t hit back.”

Archer stated that his team was ready to hit the field and go back to practice, provided the university cover the entertainment center’s bill.