COLLEGETOWN—Amongst the Halloween revelers, ghosts, goblins, and ghouls at this year’s Halloween festivities stood a group of costumes so outrageous that passersby were seen running and screaming from the scene.
“There- there was a Josh Allen, a Travis Kelce, a Tom Brady, and a Lamar Jackson,” said a still shaking Fernando Robertson ’26. Now normally this view would not warrant such a reaction– seeing a Cornell man dressed as an athlete for Halloween is like seeing the worst person you know announce their consulting internship on LinkedIn. However, Robertson reported confusion, sadness, and anger upon discovering that these men were members of the football team. “How dare they don the uniform, nay, the skin of an honest to God athlete. Haven’t they done enough to make a mockery of football and sports in general? Must they desecrate the good name of real athletes too? Is nothing sacred to these people?”
The football players feigned confusion at the negative responses from the broader Cornell community. “I told one guy that I dressed like Tom Brady because I really relate to him as a fellow football player,” explained Nicholas Tiller ’24. “When I told him I was a kicker he spat in my face, pushed me to the ground, and said ‘Simone Biles is an Athlete. Michael Phelps is an Athlete. Tom Brady is an Athlete. You will never be an athlete.’ It was really hurtful. I would beat him up, but I tore a ligament trying to kick a ball through a giant fork.”
Survey data later revealed that 90% of campus thought that the football team took their costume “too far” when they took the field earlier today to lose to UPenn.