Big Red Football Repents on Yom Kippur for Defying G-d by Going 2-0

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – Cornell football has just won their second game of the season to raise their record to an unbeaten 2-0, a rare feat for the idling ball club.

Although this may seem like a welcome occasion for our student-athletes, some amongst the training staff are a bit wearier of what Cornell has accomplished. “The man upstairs ain’t gonna like this” said an assistant coach, before he cracked into his pocket Torah by his office. This remark confused our reporters, and upon further inquiry, we got a testimonial from one of Big Red Football’s top mensches.

“Well, under the perfected design of the Holy Land, Cornell’s role has never been to be good at football” murmured staff advisor Abraham Iser ‘27, as he adjusted his kippah wearily on his head. “As one of G-d’s children, it was our duty under the Cornell brand to be at best mediocre at the sport. Once we started actually winning games, we knew that it was time to reflect on our sins, usurping the preordained plan.”

With Yom Kippur quickly approaching, many on the team are afraid of G-d’s wrath bearing down on them. With every made tackle and caught ball, more of G-d’s damnation and ire was pointed squarely at their damned souls. They couldn’t even get a first down without the muted, disappointing looks of rabbis leering to remind them of their place within the Ivy League down by the sidelines.

“Every time they bring out the first-down marker, I hope that the ball comes up short–just so that Cornell can stay within God’s kingdom,” wished Big Red Football fan Isaac Stern ‘24. “They practice for days on end–and for what? To spite G-d with a 23-20 win against the Lehigh University Mountain Hawks? Of course He would condemn us!”

With that mindset in mind, Big Red football wishes to fast away their success soon–hopefully returning to their classically aggravating play just in time for Homecoming, appeasing G-d’s will for Cornell.

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