LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be. But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – Cornell football has just won their second game of the season to raise their record to an unbeaten 2-0, a rare feat for the idling ball club. Although this may seem like a welcome occasion for our student-athletes, some amongst the training staff are a bit wearier of what Cornell has accomplished….
BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics. “It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team…
TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately. “Like all of our varsity teams, Big Red Football has a proud…
TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well. “We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with…
TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week. “I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year…
FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all. “This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our…
OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you…
DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. “This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel…
