Tag Archives: Sports

Century-Long World Series Curse Lifted After Cornell Mentioned in Fox Broadcast

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CLEVELAND – After over a hundred years of Cornellians never hearing about their alma mater on sports network programming, Fox color commentator John Smoltz thrilled students and alumni everywhere Wednesday night by finally mentioning Cornell in a World Series broadcast. “When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice Read More

Outrage After Touchdown Snubbed of Win for Best Supporting Bear in “The Revenant”

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HOLLYWOOD, CA – Despite critical acclaim for Touchdown’s stellar performance in Alejandro Iñárritu’s The Revenant, Cornell’s own beloved mascot will return empty-handed to Ithaca after being nominated for Best Supporting Bear in this year’s Academy Awards. “It shocked the film community to say the least,” says Professor Arthur Simms, Director Read More

Hockey Fans Delighted As Opposing Player Impaled by Harpoon

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LYNAH RINK – Joining together in laughter and enthused cheers, attendees at Cornell’s Saturday night hockey game expressed their delight when Harvard Defenseman Josh Hartley was impaled by a harpoon launched from the stands during the second period. Although Hartley returned to his feet and continued to play, the raucous Read More

White, Upper-Class Freshman Still Not Fitting in with White, Upper-Class Equestrian Teammates

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OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER— White, upper-class freshman Rebecca Larson has recently been feeling intense anxiety about fitting in with her white, upper-class teammates on Cornell’s horseback riding team. “I feel like I won’t fit in here because I’m so different. For one thing, my stable at home was smaller than this Read More