Women’s Hockey Team Members Send Congratulations From Beijing Olympics as Men’s Hockey Team Wins First Game in 3 Weeks

BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics.

“It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team captain Caroline Jessup ‘15. “I even skipped the medal ceremony to come back to Ithaca and congratulate the boys myself. What’s one more medal, right?”

Cornell hockey fans from all over were quick to show their excitement for the Men’s team demolishing Union College this past weekend, despite the Women’s team also demolishing Union College this past weekend and having performed similarly well to the Men’s team this season with little to no recognition.

“I’ve always been a sucker for a good underdog story,” said Alyssa Hart ‘22, two-time Olympian and ECAC champion. “It gives me hope that one day they too will make it to the Olympics.”

As of press time, the price of Men’s Hockey tickets quadrupled while the price of Women’s Hockey tickets decreased to $0.

Cornell Renames Mascot “Field Goal the Bear” to Set More Realistic Standards for Athletic Teams

TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately.

“Like all of our varsity teams, Big Red Football has a proud and illustrious history,” said Noel. “However, we cannot cling to the past forever. As we continue to improve and modernize our approaches and facilities, we must also update our mascot to establish an attainable benchmark more in keeping with the team’s recent past, present, and—in all likelihood—future.”

Noel noted that although the name “Touchdown” was an apt moniker when the bear was first introduced following Cornell’s championship-winning 1915 campaign, the juxtaposition between the team’s ambitiously named mascot and the utter lack of any sort of on-field success for over three decades could only demoralize today’s hopelessly outmatched squads. Coach David Archer ‘05 seconded Noel’s comments.

“The atmosphere in the locker room gets pretty sour when the guys, emotionally buoyed by this mascot they’ve all grown up idolizing, expect to go out and get into the end zone every game,” Archer said. “They’re all worried that they disappointed Touchdown. It’s very sweet, really, but we can’t keep putting them through that every week. I’m hopeful that this rebranding will teach them that sometimes it’s better to just get points on the board so you can sleep a little easier instead of always needing to go for glory. That, I think, is the distilled spirit of the Cornell Athletic Department.”

At press time, Noel was racing to once again change the bear’s name, this time to “Positive Yardage,” following another abysmal performance.

Ice Hockey and, uhh, Some Other Sports Cancelled, We Think

TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well.

“We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with the program,” said Noel. “From Head Coach Mike Schaefer ’86 to the nice woman who sells the soft pretzels at Lynah, the athletic department will continue to support them, as well as the—wait… are there other sports? Is it just hockey? I only ever hear about hockey.”

According to a press release, all intercollegiate games between ice hockey teams will be shut down in response to the Covid-19 pandemic, a crushing blow to a program with high expectations for another elite finish. The student body expressed dismay at the news of hockey’s demise and utter indifference towards the fates of any other sports that may have been scheduled.

“Even if we couldn’t attend in person, I was really looking forward to supporting Big Red this year as we competed for another national title at Lynah,” lamented Ellen Satoranski ’24. When asked about her thoughts on other sports, Satoranski appeared confused. “Are you sure there was anything else?” she asked. “I guess maybe, like, did football get canceled? Maybe racquetball? Yeah, I really couldn’t say.”

At press time, members of the fencing team were also reported to be devastated by the loss of hockey.

Cornell Athletics Finally Sees Positive Results

TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week.

“I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year where the glory of victory will be undetected.” said Cornell Football’s Head Coach David Archer. “Then I learned that a cluster of positive cases popped up on my team. Positive cases must mean that my boys are distinguishing themselves from other students. I wish they had saved some of those scores for next season. We would probably be undefeated!”

News of the positive results spread like the plague after Athletics Director Andy Noel had something to say about the fever it was creating within the athletics department.

“Many of our varsity coaches have been telling me about the positive cases popping up on their respective teams, and I must say I’m impressed by our student athletes’ abilities and drive to turn a bad situation good,” said Noel. “Our community’s actions were even recognized by VP Lombardi last week. I think publicity like this calls for a celebration of sorts, like a party for the entire department and our athletes!”

Cornell Athletics was delighted to find that their athletes’ success has been an inspiration for the general student body, as positive results have already begun spreading to the rest of campus.

 

Ivy League Athletes Overjoyed They Can Always Say They “Would’ve Been Good This Season”

FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all.

“This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber which totally will take our driving to the next level,” said men’s golf captain Max Goodwin ’20, who jumped at the chance to talk about how his breakout season was prematurely ended. “Yeah I was shooting the same score as last year in practice, but I know I was about to figure it all out.”

“I can’t believe my season was cut short,” complained Julia Fisher ’21. “Last season my chronic toe twitch devastating our season, but now that I’m better I’m confident I’d have lead us to the championship.”

As of press time, both Goodwin and Fisher have advised their friends and families not to open ESPN’s preseason power rankings.

“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body

OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. 

“Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you all get about your little game. As such, we have announced that we are committed to liking football and will do our very best to not compare it to much more established and international sports tournaments, for the rest of the week,” read the statement.  The statement was signed by nationals of the 95 countries represented in the Cornell student body, as well as by several international student organisations. 

The statement continued with the following stipulations; “For the rest of the week, we will respond with insightful, but measured, comments on several key factors contributing to the outcome of the game. These may or may not include: Pat Maholmes’s gunslinging offence, the earth-shaking run game of the 49-ers, and how grateful we, the international community, are that we won’t need to hear about how ‘underrated’ Tom Brady is from Patriots fans.”

“Finally, we will refrain from any eye-rolling, sarcastic comments, remarks on the quantity of advertisements, and comparisons to any of the following significantly more grounded sporting events: football, rugby, tennis, badminton, basketball, cricket, volleyball, water polo, table tennis, and hockey, for the duration of the game.” 

The statement closed with “Besides, we all know that we’re just here for the commercials anyway.”

Martha Pollack Releases Official List of Most Fuckable Student-Athletes

DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus.

“Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President Pollack, wiping the sweat off her flushed forehead. “We believe the soft nipples and toned abs of the male Swim & Dive team represent some of the most fuckable hunks this University has to offer.” 

Board of Trustees member Nancy Iverson ‘71 praised Women’s Soccer defender Taylor Foley, quivering with sexual delight as she imagined massaging those rock-solid calves with scented oils. Her Board colleague Paul Burgess ‘78 covered the growing tent in his pants as he described the skin-tight spandex that gripped the asses of this year’s Football roster.  

The list was immediately met with criticism due to its exclusion of Heavyweight Rowing star Martin Dimes, a Herculean sophomore with a chiseled torso, veiny forearms, and meaty thighs. “We appreciate your feedback,” replied Pollack, turning her office fan to a higher setting before scrolling through the Men’s Hockey Instagram. 

Shortly after the announcement, members of the Board of Trustees were spotted panicking after accidentally blowing half the 2020 budget on see-through wrestling uniforms. 

 

Senior Football Players Throw Game to Give Classmates ‘Authentic Homecoming Experience’

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—In a closed door meeting last Thursday prior to Cornell Football’s 8-14 homecoming loss to Georgetown, several of the team’s seniors hatched a plan to lose the game on purpose. 

“This is our last chance to play a homecoming football game in front of our classmates,” said Cornerback Erik Urbon ‘20, “It wouldn’t feel like a real Cornell homecoming unless we suffered a devastating loss in the most highly attended home game of the season.”

While some players initially expressed concern about the sportsmanship of throwing the game, the entire senior class was won over by a speech from Punter Mallex Washington ‘20, who convinced his teammates that this game was about more than the selfish desire to win. 

“Mallex reminded us that we play for the thousands of students who expect us to play Cornell Football out there every weekend. If that means we have to intentionally lose on homecoming, then so be it,” said Wide Receiver J.T. Flores ‘20, who dropped 4 passes on Sunday. 

When word of the seniors’ plot made its way to Head Coach David Archer he was irate. At today’s early morning team video session, he verbally reprimanded his senior class and placed all 11 players on indefinite suspensions. At press time, Archer was reportedly drafting an email to his players highlighting the Big Red’s .550 career winning percentage and “recent” 1939 National Championship season.

 

Photo Credit: Cornell Daily Sun (Borris Tsang)

Coach David Archer Brings Football Team to Chuck E. Cheese’s to Cheer Them Up After Tough Loss

CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost to them, so that they don’t feel so alone,” said Archer, who has coached Big Red since it was suggested to him by some parents in 2013. “I tried to get them all even playing time, but they were still pretty demoralized at the end. A little trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s will get their fighting spirit back!”

Most players were excited to hit the arcade, while a few hung back to enjoy the soft serve and snacks. One sophomore, still teary after having dropped ten passes, had to get cheered up by the animatronic mouse himself before joining his friends at the foosball table.

As smiles returned to the tired players’ faces, the evening seemed to be a hit. “I love it here, especially the Rock’em Sock’em games—bang bang!” said linebacker Jack McDavis ‘20. “This way, they don’t hit back.”

Archer stated that his team was ready to hit the field and go back to practice, provided the university cover the entertainment center’s bill.

Alumnus Relives College Days by Skipping Homecoming Football Game to Aggressively Binge Drink

PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out.

Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done every Homecoming since his freshman year. He continued drinking until kickoff, when the father of three stumbled over to his old fraternity to show his children how “Pi Delta Pi goes harder than every other frat on campus.”

“Dad loves to talk about how his college experience made him into the man he is today, and it’s really great to see him enjoying his trip down memory lane,” said Cohen’s daughter Emily, who added that her father “hasn’t been this faded since he got banned from Hideaway last year.”

At the start of the game’s third quarter, the 58-year-old Chicago tax attorney ended his day passed out on his fraternity’s lawn, another successful Homecoming weekend completed.