SCHOELLKOPF FIELD –– Ahead of the 2017 spring campaign, Varsity Lacrosse Head Coach Matt Kerwick announced in a press conference that this year’s team has an unprecedented number of players with the name “Griff.” “Griff, Griffith, Griffin, Griffyn, and Griffen are all integral members of the team,” said Coach Kerwick. “We would be at a…
CLEVELAND – After over a hundred years of Cornellians never hearing about their alma mater on sports network programming, Fox color commentator John Smoltz thrilled students and alumni everywhere Wednesday night by finally mentioning Cornell in a World Series broadcast. “When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice to preside over a gay…
SCHOELLKOPF — With a nail-biting 27 to 13 win over Yale University, the Cornell campus lost a humongous bet of collectively over $6,000,000 at the Homecoming game this afternoon. “I can’t believe I lost that much money,” said Daniel Nogroski ’18, who expected a 10:1 payout on Cornell losing and planned to spend his winnings on a…
ARTS QUAD — Panic quickly spread Tuesday when it dawned upon quad-goers that, oh dear lord, John’s going to attempt to throw the frisbee overhand. “Hey, check this out!” yelled the ambitious freshman as he cocked his arm behind his head, unknowingly putting several passing students at risk of bodily harm. Having never witnessed such…
OLIN LIBRARY — Those people tossing around a frisbee on the arts quad are probably having a lot of fun, even though I have to stay in the library. I’m going to look back down at my work now. Oh look they’re eating something. Are those chocolate chip cookies? Probably. But it’s too bad I…
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Despite critical acclaim for Touchdown’s stellar performance in Alejandro Iñárritu’s The Revenant, Cornell’s own beloved mascot will return empty-handed to Ithaca after being nominated for Best Supporting Bear in this year’s Academy Awards. “It shocked the film community to say the least,” says Professor Arthur Simms, Director of the Cornell Ursinology Film…
TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…
LYNAH RINK – Joining together in laughter and enthused cheers, attendees at Cornell’s Saturday night hockey game expressed their delight when Harvard Defenseman Josh Hartley was impaled by a harpoon launched from the stands during the second period. Although Hartley returned to his feet and continued to play, the raucous Lynah Faithful sports fans would…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD — As the Big Red finally achieved their first victory of the season, hundreds of fans suddenly found themselves confused, without any intuition of how to act after Cornell defeated the Columbia Lions 3-0 on Saturday. “‘Win?’ What does this word mean?” pondered Stacy Danforth ’19, who, upon the football team’s triumph, began…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – With a humiliating final score against Dartmouth of 21-3 signifying their eighth loss of the season, the Cornell football team gleefully realized they were only two more losses away from filling out their Cornell Dining beverage punch card and receiving a free bubble tea from Jansens Market at the Noyes Community Center….
