Confused Stadium Unsure What To Do Upon Football Victory

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD — As the Big Red finally achieved their first victory of the season, hundreds of fans suddenly found themselves confused, without any intuition of how to act after Cornell defeated the Columbia Lions 3-0 on Saturday.

“‘Win?’ What does this word mean?” pondered Stacy Danforth ’19, who, upon the football team’s triumph, began violently convulsing with panic and bewilderment.

At the end of the fourth quarter, the disoriented football players reportedly gazed up at the scoreboard multiple times, furrowed their brows and looked to each other for guidance on how to handle the situation.

“I am not sure what I am currently feeling,” commented Wide Receiver Richard Mahoney, ’18, “There’s a rush of energy flowing through my head. Could this be the sensation of joy coach had told us about?”

Thirty minutes after the game ended, team convened in the locker room to figure out how to move on from their accomplishment and whether or not they should tell anyone about it.


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