TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well.
“We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with the program,” said Noel. “From Head Coach Mike Schaefer ’86 to the nice woman who sells the soft pretzels at Lynah, the athletic department will continue to support them, as well as the—wait… are there other sports? Is it just hockey? I only ever hear about hockey.”
According to a press release, all intercollegiate games between ice hockey teams will be shut down in response to the Covid-19 pandemic, a crushing blow to a program with high expectations for another elite finish. The student body expressed dismay at the news of hockey’s demise and utter indifference towards the fates of any other sports that may have been scheduled.
“Even if we couldn’t attend in person, I was really looking forward to supporting Big Red this year as we competed for another national title at Lynah,” lamented Ellen Satoranski ’24. When asked about her thoughts on other sports, Satoranski appeared confused. “Are you sure there was anything else?” she asked. “I guess maybe, like, did football get canceled? Maybe racquetball? Yeah, I really couldn’t say.”
At press time, members of the fencing team were also reported to be devastated by the loss of hockey.