WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled.
“I shall relish in the animosity of my peers,” said Board President Joseph Dwyer ‘24, whose other on-campus involvements include going to Okenshields right at peak rush hour and standing next to big puddles while cars drive through them. “The wrath of campus must be borne by a noble few, and I feel lucky to count myself among them. Though our mission is doomed before we even begin, it is virtuous that we choose to push forward regardless.”
Despite the fact that the student body has definitively shown that the only thing it truly wants is to be unhappy, the Board continues to manufacture new surveys in order to discover the so-called “perfect headliner.” While such a performer has been written about at great length in scripture via Sidechat posts and angry Reddit threads, their true identity is impossible to determine. Whether this musical-messiah ever even existed, or can be found today, is a question that the Board chooses to ignore, remaining committed to their fruitless search.
“I would rather be lambasted for trying and failing than turn away from our quest,” explained Lyssa Ray ‘25, the Board’s Head of Artist Outreach. “The perfect headliner is out there and we will bring them to our campus. Everyone will be fully satisfied with the selection of artists, the food, and our decision making,” continued Ray, describing a situation that will never come to pass.
Even though this year’s Slope Day Board will undoubtedly be reviled by the student body come spring semester, they can hold onto the hope that if the artist they pick happens to become really famous at a later date, they will be held up as idols and used to defame that year’s Slope Day Board.
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course during her freshman year asked if she had any interest in entering finance. When asked during the Q&A which business fraternity Moleeto had been a part of in her time at Cornell, the alumna paused for a moment before saying “I’m going to level with you guys, I never saw the need to join one. I was able to connect with enough people who would be in the industry with me by making friends in class.”
The shockwaves that Moleeto inadvertently created have caused an identity crisis among the business fraternities on campus. It would appear that the radical notion of being friendly to peers in class has largely not been factored into the culture of Cornell’s business frats, which have relied on endless case studies and binge drinking as their foremost networking practices.
Roberta Hoal, a junior in Dyson who attended the call, was astonished by this notion- “What did she mean she wasn’t in a business frat? How can you work in finance if you don’t join PGN, DSP, or even the Cornell Hedge Fund??”
Hoal was not the only audience member who was taken aback by the idea of someone successfully networking outside of a pre-professional setting. Aidan Swaak, a senior who sources claim “won’t shut the fuck up” about his return offer to Citi, was visibly crushed to learn that making friends in class is also a good way to find connections in finance.
“I honestly don’t know how to move forward. I’ve been in a business frat since I was a freshman thinking that was the only way to make it to Wall Street.” said Swaak, continuing, “I wouldn’t have spent hours in Excel doing analytical simulations if I’d known the kids in my classes were also trying to work in finance.”
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan.
“I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking forward to spending all semester in the nice warm desert with the Afgangi’s. We’re super excited to be on this mission, it’ll be a nice break from the prelim season.”
Last week, the U.S. military, low on volunteers, reached out to Cornell and other American universities for the last few people who couldn’t say no. In their recruitment, the military sought out the loudest and most confident individuals, all of whom claimed they could beat the Taliban blindfolded and without fellow ROTC cadet and certified alpha male Beermaster’s help.
The ROTC boys were excited to participate in a range of cultural activities such as archaeological digs for vital mineral resources the US left behind, paper macheing CIA documents that had not yet been destroyed, and a bowling night at the former U.S. embassy.
“I think I stand a really good chance against the Taliban,” Trent added. “Yeah they have tons of abandoned American weaponry, but do they have Bront, Mitch, and Cody on their side? My boy Beermaster can run a mile shirtless in 18 minutes, can the Taliban do that?”
Tragically, Trent’s confidence wavered as soon as their plane landed in Afghanistan, and even the soothing voice of Beermaster couldn’t prevent his pants from wettening.
COLLEGETOWN— Recently, I noticed that Cornell was shutting down the Empathy, Assistance, and Referral Services Peer Counseling Program, on the basis that they could not afford the insurance. And I get it, because I too cannot afford health insurance. But please, I’m begging you, reinstate the peer counseling program, because if my friends come to me now, I will absolutely not be able to keep the secrets they tell me.
Look, it’s not like I don’t respect my friends’ privacy—I absolutely do. And it is precisely because of this that I believe they would be better off venting to a trained volunteer than to me, a blabbermouth drama addict with lips loose enough to sink the Titanic. Do you really want all that gossip, drama and insecurity flowing unfettered through campus? As someone who went to a public middle school, trust me: you do not.
I haven’t even mentioned the absolutely horrendous advice I give to anyone who asks me about their problems. My mind is a series of Trisha Paytas YouTube clips and conspiracy theories. I am not qualified to give life advice to anyone. And yet, the only thing standing between this school and dozens of my friends trying to improve their relationships by following my advice and ghosting their significant others is EARS peer counselling. So let those extremely empathetic, qualified students volunteer their off hours and make campus a better place, because who knows what campus would be like without them?
Now, you may still not be convinced. You may be thinking, wait, there’s no way most people on campus could be as dumb and irresponsible as this guy. I promise you, they are. We’re literally in the middle of a global pandemic, and most of Cornell’s frats held in-person rush. Have you been inside a public bathroom on campus? Did you notice the study rooms in Klarman that got shut down because kids were shooting spitballs everywhere? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
If this article and the petition haven’t convinced you, I have one final offer. Let me sit down and vent to President Pollack for half an hour about my Econ study group dating scandals. I promise, after the first 5 minutes, she’ll do anything to pass me off to those saints at EARS.
WEST CAMPUS—In response to the recent news that the Ithaca COVID levels have dropped to the point that campus may now return to Green status, several fraternities across campus have expressed concern that this will reflect negatively on Cornell’s Greek life.
“Okay, we’re obviously stoked we can go out again, but we hardly had a chance to break the rules before they took them away,” proclaimed Bradley Flemings ‘22, president of an underground fraternity. “Honestly, it’s going to hurt spring recruiting if athletics keep hogging the spotlight here. I mean, a whole cluster? Getting called out by the administration? Those are our moves.”
Ultimately, these concerns are shared by students of all ages, with several freshmen doubting their previous intentions to rush after the news broke, including Jameson Adams III ‘24, a prospective third-generation brother of Beta Iota Zeta.
“Frankly, this isn’t the brotherhood my father knew,” he explained. “The underage keg parties, attempted bribes of campus police, public drunkenness charges? Where is that Beta? I mean, no self-respecting fraternity would ever turn up a chance to recklessly endanger public safety.”
“It’s been a few weeks since Greek life did something illegal or morally questionable, so we just wanted to touch base,” one mid-level official explained. At press time, Cornell administration hoped to crack down on Greek life as soon as possible, noting the usual increase in alumni donations whenever a fraternity was in legal trouble.
TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well.
“We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with the program,” said Noel. “From Head Coach Mike Schaefer ’86 to the nice woman who sells the soft pretzels at Lynah, the athletic department will continue to support them, as well as the—wait… are there other sports? Is it just hockey? I only ever hear about hockey.”
According to a press release, all intercollegiate games between ice hockey teams will be shut down in response to the Covid-19 pandemic, a crushing blow to a program with high expectations for another elite finish. The student body expressed dismay at the news of hockey’s demise and utter indifference towards the fates of any other sports that may have been scheduled.
“Even if we couldn’t attend in person, I was really looking forward to supporting Big Red this year as we competed for another national title at Lynah,” lamented Ellen Satoranski ’24. When asked about her thoughts on other sports, Satoranski appeared confused. “Are you sure there was anything else?” she asked. “I guess maybe, like, did football get canceled? Maybe racquetball? Yeah, I really couldn’t say.”
At press time, members of the fencing team were also reported to be devastated by the loss of hockey.
COLLEGETOWN—Following President-Elect Joseph Biden’s historic victory over Donald Trump, Cornell for Biden President Andrew Beauregard ‘23 decided to host a certified banger with the club’s other two members in his studio apartment.
Preparing all week for this night, Cornell for Biden’s Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, Outreach and Health Officer Nicholas Hunt ‘22 spent hours planning the logistics of the party while endlessly refreshing the electoral map. “I had stayed up all night worrying about Cornell’s restrictive 10-person gathering limit, but when I scrolled through our five person GroupMe, two of which had the chat muted, I realized we would be okay.”
Despite Cornell’s policies overtly dissuading students from hosting parties, Beauregard defended his decision. “While other students go about making a ruckus about Mr. Trump, I think it’s more important to celebrate the victor. I, for one, cannot wait for the return of 90s-era neoliberal imperialism under the helpful patronage of a smiling, old, and pretty-darn creepy white dude. It’s been far too long!”
The “party’s” final attendee and self-described devil’s advocate Joseph Hittle ‘23 described his group-membership as a necessary evil. “I find progressives to be immature idealists which is why I’m a member of Cornell for Biden. It tells people that despite not believing all that progressive malarkey, I’m also not racist. Students need to find groups that support nuanced political opinions like mine.”
At the end of the party, a drunk Beauregard quietly slurred to his two political confidantes that this was all a front, and his first choice would have been Jeb Bush.
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—Let me begin by establishing that I’m normally extremely easygoing. A friend is running late to a meetup? I understand. Got rejected from my dream job? Things happen. Nothing, however, has tested my patience as much as those buzzy little shits that refuse to stay away from my latest CTB California Sunshine bagel.
I’m out here minding my own business, hoping to enjoy a toasted garlic-y, onion-y, bready delight. But right as I open my mouth to take a bite of this warm embrace of cheese and avocado, this bitch ass bee interrupts me. He’s trying to intercept me like the professional basketball player he most decidedly is not. At a table of four people, you really wanted to single me out, huh? What kind of damn call out is this?
Frankly, I’m just a little taken aback by the audacity of these creatures to insert themselves where they are clearly not invited. As if their tiny ass mouths could even fit a crumb of my rosemary salt bagel in their feeding receptacles, if they even have ones. So what’s the point? Why are they doing this? Are they trying to starve me? Did my mom orchestrate this because she noticed I was “looking a little chunky” last time I visited? Did I ask them to invite themselves over and help themselves to my meal and my conversation? I think the fuck not.
Has personal space become too much to ask for these days? It’s not that hard to occupy literally any other cubic foot of this outdoor air space. He needs to take a goddamn hint and politely piss the fuck off. All I’m asking is for the opportunity to get a bite in before my food gets cold.
COLLEGETOWN—While not a violation of any official health ordinance, a maskless group of six fraternity brothers hanging out on their porch this weekend was deemed by onlookers as deeply unsettling.
“I counted, and their group is definitely less than 10 people,” confirmed Melody Dominguez ’21. “Regardless, something about it still feels like it poses a danger to the public.”
The non-descript group of young men listened to music on medium volume, played assorted drinking games, and prompted every female passerby near their house to cross the street to maintain a distance well-beyond the conventional 6 feet.
“I had to do a double-take to make sure everything was in order,” said Rick Sobieski ’23, a member of the Cornell Compliance Team. “While they technically weren’t breaking any rules, I can’t help but characterize whatever it is they were up to as detrimental to the health of our community.”
The fraternity brothers reported that while they were glad to have followed the rules this time, they looked forward to violating the compact sometime in the near future.
COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.”
“We have, all of us, been led astray for too long,” said a representative of 312 College Avenue. “For at our core, we are all tenants of this special rock we call home, this Pale Blue Dot.” The congregation of visibly reverent landlords continued to remind onlookers that “Every sunrise, every flower, every flake of falling snow, is a gift from mother Earth, who all of us were so very wrong to ever think we could ‘own.’”
The leaders of Collegetown’s primary rental offices apparently came to the realization during a recent Landlord Association of Tompkins County meeting, when a screening of “Resisting the Residents: How To Avoid Pesky Renter Requests” was mistakenly replaced with “The Lorax.” The film’s powerful message of the importance and sanctity of nature quickly won over the assembled landlords, causing local landlord Bill Avramis to shed one solemn, solitary tear.
The landlords also announced that “they’d be sending someone over to install solar panels on the roofs of all properties,” but failed to provide a comment on whether there’d be any update on fixing the washing machines that have been busted for the last two weeks.