Slope Day Commission Elects New Set Of Martyrs

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled.

“I shall relish in the animosity of my peers,” said Board President Joseph Dwyer ‘24, whose other on-campus involvements include going to Okenshields right at peak rush hour and standing next to big puddles while cars drive through them. “The wrath of campus must be borne by a noble few, and I feel lucky to count myself among them. Though our mission is doomed before we even begin, it is virtuous that we choose to push forward regardless.”

Despite the fact that the student body has definitively shown that the only thing it truly wants is to be unhappy, the Board continues to manufacture new surveys in order to discover the so-called “perfect headliner.” While such a performer has been written about at great length in scripture via Sidechat posts and angry Reddit threads, their true identity is impossible to determine. Whether this musical-messiah ever even existed, or can be found today, is a question that the Board chooses to ignore, remaining committed to their fruitless search.

“I would rather be lambasted for trying and failing than turn away from our quest,” explained Lyssa Ray ‘25, the Board’s Head of Artist Outreach. “The perfect headliner is out there and we will bring them to our campus. Everyone will be fully satisfied with the selection of artists, the food, and our decision making,” continued Ray, describing a situation that will never come to pass.

Even though this year’s Slope Day Board will undoubtedly be reviled by the student body come spring semester, they can hold onto the hope that if the artist they pick happens to become really famous at a later date, they will be held up as idols and used to defame that year’s Slope Day Board.