Slope Day Commission Elects New Set Of Martyrs

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled. 

“I shall relish in the animosity of my peers,” said Board President Joseph Dwyer ‘24, whose other on-campus involvements include going to Okenshields right at peak rush hour and standing next to big puddles while cars drive through them. “The wrath of campus must be borne by a noble few, and I feel lucky to count myself among them. Though our mission is doomed before we even begin, it is virtuous that we choose to push forward regardless.” 

Despite the fact that the student body has definitively shown that the only thing it truly wants is to be unhappy, the Board continues to manufacture new surveys in order to discover the so-called “perfect headliner.” While such a performer has been written about at great length in scripture via Sidechat posts and angry Reddit threads, their true identity is impossible to determine. Whether this musical-messiah ever even existed, or can be found today, is a question that the Board chooses to ignore, remaining committed to their fruitless search.

“I would rather be lambasted for trying and failing than turn away from our quest,” explained Lyssa Ray ‘25, the Board’s Head of Artist Outreach. “The perfect headliner is out there and we will bring them to our campus. Everyone will be fully satisfied with the selection of artists, the food, and our decision making,” continued Ray, describing a situation that will never come to pass.

Even though this year’s Slope Day Board will undoubtedly be reviled by the student body come spring semester, they can hold onto the hope that if the artist they pick happens to become really famous at a later date, they will be held up as idols and used to defame that year’s Slope Day Board.  

SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. 

“I remember he was the first person in line,” recalled dining hall employee Tara Daniels ‘23. “He was talking to the kid behind him about how he couldn’t sleep the night before because he was so excited. Then he took out seventy-two dollars in cash and asked to buy two of each ‘flavor?’ He made me put them in his green takeout container, which I thought was odd.”

Kesky’s roommate reported that when Kesky returned that evening with his tickets, he took great care in sorting them in his fridge where he left them for the remainder of the week, occasionally opening the door to gaze at them.

However, today, with Slope Day a mere 24 hours away, Kesky made a heart-breaking discovery.

“I wanted to save them all for Slope Day like I was supposed to, but I just couldn’t resist,” explained Kesky, his voice trembling. “I took a small nibble of the BBQ Beef Brisket Slider ticket, but it didn’t really taste anything like beef brisket, so I ate the whole thing to be sure and it tasted like PAPER! I thought it might have just been defective, so I ate the rest of my tickets and they ALL tasted like paper! I can’t believe the Slope Day Programming Board managed to screw this up too.” 

At press time, Kesky, having spent all his money on defective food tickets, couldn’t even afford to buy “those regular tickets that you exchange for food.”

Student Assembly Invites John Lennon to Return from the Dead for Unpaid Beatles Reunion at Slope Day

LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers.

“Planning Slope Day on a limited budget is a huge task, and we appreciate everyone who has worked on it thus far,” said SA Representative Alina Clapton ‘22. “There are so many considerations to make, like payment, security, event timing, and more. Our solution was not to consider any of those things and treat this like a third grade birthday party clown reservation.”

Beyond the absurdity of the proposal itself, one final hurdle exists to getting the band back together: two of the four members passed away decades ago, including the addressee of the SA’s gambit. The Assembly’s legislation accounts for this, however, offering the band “their lifelong gratitude” if the band could find it within themselves to defeat death itself. Leaders of the Slope Day Programming Board have expressed their distaste at this move.

“What the fuck?” asked Slope Day planner Alex Lammers ‘22. “First of all, what the hell makes them think they can just make changes to our event without asking us? I thought the SA was insufferable when they took themselves seriously, but those power-hungry resume padders are even worse when they pretend to be funny. Even if the Beatles return from the dead, that means extra security and a ton of extra costs. And the music would suck! Who wants to hear a bunch of 70-year olds sing about holding hands and being British?”

Responding to requests for comment, representatives claimed that they were “close personal friends and enthusiasts of John” and promised to consider the concerns of event planners, unless of course that consideration meant anything that would negatively impact their resume.

Frat Boy Who Lies About Height on Tinder Not Excited About Shaq Slope Day Performance

LIBE SLOPE—While most students are eager to see basketball and DJ Shaquille O’Neal perform as part of this year’s virtual Slope Day celebration, one individual is not. 

Fraternity brother Devin Jennings ‘22, who has long misreported his height to potential hookups, was reportedly miffed that Cornell had invited the famously tall Shaq to perform at Slope Day. “He’s what, 7’11 or something?” Jennings scoffed, standing on his tippy-toes during an interview. “What’s the big deal? He’s a couple inches taller than me, no biggie.”

Students who had encountered Jennings on Tinder, however, contradicted his reporting of the facts. “His bio said ‘6’ 4”, if it matters,’” said Stephanie Ruffle ‘22. “I thought, ‘Ok, maybe he’s European and doesn’t understand the imperial measurement system’. When I actually met him, I realized he was more than just European: this dude looked like Napoleon.”

“Napoleon wasn’t actually short – that was just British propaganda,” Jennings responded. “And anyways, if people want proof that I’m basically the same height as Shaq, he can meet me on the West Campus basketball court any day, provided I’m wearing the correct type of insoles in my shoes and also given I can use stilts.”

As of press time, Shaq had not responded for comment, but those who had encountered Jennings on Tinder had provided a scientific estimate of Jennings height as “just below short king territory.”

OP-ED: If The Beatles Were So Good, Why Did They Never Perform At Slope Day?

ITHACA—For more than fifty years, The Beatles have been hailed as the greatest band of all time, boasting more than 600 million records sold. Since the formation of the group in 1960, many have considered them to be the pinnacle of commercial success and cultural impact. But does that make their music good? No. In fact, a lot of their music sucks. The most obvious example of their absurd over-adoration? They never even performed at Slope Day.

Comprised of history’s most beloved homophobic wifebeater John Lennon, Kanye West-collaborator Paul McCartney, George Harrison (irrelevant even then), and musical genius Ringo Starr, the quartet’s “revolutionary” discography has aged like a tub of yogurt forgotten in a communal fridge over winter break. 

Every year, Cornellians gather for a celebration of fine arts and fun, headlined by esteemed musical guests such as Pulitzer winner Kendrick Lamar and Steve Aoki (whose music has been described as “grind on a stranger while under the influence of what you hope was ecstasy”). Since the annual Naval Ball in 1890, Slope Day has showcased a variety of musical talent and has been an important part of campus culture. Interestingly enough, the Beatles, who critics have described as “the most important band of all time,” has never performed at Slope Day. 

Other venerable acts, like Drake (who has more “slaps” than The Beatles) have graced the stage, but the British group is noticeably absent from the lineup. How can they be considered the “greatest” if they never travelled from London to Ithaca for the preeminent celebration of arts and culture in upstate New York? 

When Slope Day was revived in 1977, why did the group not reunite to honor the rich history of the festival? Why has John Lennon not been able to book a live gig since the 1980s? The simple answer is that they weren’t that good to begin with. With musical pioneers like Snoop Dogg and Gym Class Heroes gracing the Slope, the student body has not longed for the cacophonous music of The Beatles.

The Beatles are only celebrated by people born before the iPod was invented and decent music was widely accessible. In the minds of Cornellians with taste, The Beatles are, and will always be, trash for their failure to meet the standard set by icons-in-the-making like Rico Nasty, who performed at Slope Day, an event that has consistently captured the zeitgeist of each generation. 

Student’s Parents Excited To Attend Virtual Slope Day Concert Too

PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert.

“When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger in a Hooder, and Glaucoma, were performing. Can’t say I’ve heard of them but if they’re good enough for Julie-kins, they’re good enough for me.”

Saratoga’s parents expressed concerns over how to best prepare for the concert, lamenting that Saratoga had remained evasive on the question of when the concert was being held. “Juli-love is just shy. He has nothing to worry about! We’re cool parents.”

Saratoga’s father Ed professed excitement towards the virtual format. “Video chat is great these days! I’d love to meet some of Judge Julie’s friends and see what a day with the boys is like! I’ll be keeping our video on for sure.”

“I’m so glad we get to celebrate this special tradition with our special boy,” Elena concluded. “I only wish aunt Carrie and uncle Jorge could celebrate with us too. Oh! That gives me an idea—maybe I’ll invite the whole Saratoga clan!”

“I only wish my little Ceasar Salad could tell us more about what it was like! When I asked, all he could tell me about last year’s Slope Day was that he blacked. I guess that’s some new slang for forgetting about events that happened a long time ago.”

Excited Freshman Just Going to Slope Day for the Music

LIBE SLOPE—Among the thousands of enthusiastic attendees ready to partake in the Slope Day festivities is Daniel Sebastian ‘22, whose only motivation for showing up is the wholesome and thorough consumption of music.

“You don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy EDM, especially not during the daytime,” said Sebastian. “I can’t wait to sing all the words to my favorite Steve Aoki song ‘MIC Drop (feat. Desiigner) [Steve Aoki Remix]’.”

Daniel plans to begin his Slope Day pregame by waking up at 7am, cracking open a cold bottle of orange juice, and getting in the mood by quietly shuffling a playlist of his three favorite artists of time: Steve Aoki, EZI, and Cousin Stizz. He then plans to arrive early so he won’t have to squeeze through the crowd to be just the right distance from the speakers for “the best acoustic experience.”

“He’s been talking about ‘Neon Future 1’ and I’m in the House’ (feat. Zuper Blahq), all week,” said Daniel’s roomate Michael Wills ‘22. “I honestly couldn’t care who plays Slope Day. I’ll probably be too drunk to even know there’s music playing.”

Daniel says all the Slope Day excitement he’s feeling now makes him want to join the Slope Day Committee one day so that he too could hire the perfect musician with the rare ability to get students pumped about an enormous concert and daylong binge-drinking.

EDM Fan Pissed She Can’t Complain About Slope Day Artist This Year

COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see.

“I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed this one up so bad,” said Neves. “All my friends who are into indie and rap get to go on about how much they hate the Slope Day artists, but the committee had to fuck us EDM fans all over and give us someone awesome.”

Neves said that while Galantis was originally a disappointing pick last year, the amount she got to whine about the weather completely made up for it.

“Not only can I not complain, but I have to spend the next two months hiding my excitement and listening to Steve Aoki music on YouTube so it doesn’t show up on my friends’ Spotify feeds,” Neves later said. “It will be awful.”

While Neves and other EDM fans were upset about having nothing to gripe over, students who wanted to see a Black or Latino headliner were lucky that they get to complain for the fourth year in a row.


Slope Day Volunteer Wakes Up Early to Get Head Start on Drinking Free Coffee

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began.

“I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I get to the slope!”

“I’m a little worried about Bryn,” said a friend, “she’s getting pretty jittery; I got a message from her with a lot of typos. I think her fingers might be shaking from all the caffeine in her system.”

Russell was later seen in her volunteer shirt struggling to dig a bottle of coffee concentrate out from underneath a tree.

Wasted Cow Doesn’t Even Make it to Dairy Day

STOCKING HALL—First-year Cornell dairy cow Clover was absent at today’s Dairy Day festivities after passing out during the pregame.

“It’s not uncommon for some cattle get blackout before Dairy Day actually starts, but I could usually corral them down from the Dairy Unit as long as they were still upright,” said dairy science major Chuck Keenum ‘18. “But Clover—she passed out long before the morning feed.”

The 19 other cows enjoyed their Dairy Day at Stocking Hall with only minor incidences of stumbling due to heat-exhaustion and dehydration.

“Our cattle are generally responsible, but we expected no better from Clover. She couldn’t even stand up straight during the insemination last weekend.”

Sources later reported seeing Clover wandering around pens as the event was wrapping up, apparently trying to find her friend Betty Sue.