IVES HALL—This Slope Day, rap and pop music icon Flo Rida racked up a shocking 1.5 hour wait for his arrival at the Slope due to a rigorous prep schedule, vocal exercises, and getting miserably lost in the ILR building. The morning of May 8, excited for his Cornell debut, Mr. Rida woke up extra…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled. “I shall relish in…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. “I remember he was the first person in…
LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers. “Planning Slope Day on a…
LIBE SLOPE—While most students are eager to see basketball and DJ Shaquille O’Neal perform as part of this year’s virtual Slope Day celebration, one individual is not. Fraternity brother Devin Jennings ‘22, who has long misreported his height to potential hookups, was reportedly miffed that Cornell had invited the famously tall Shaq to perform at…
ITHACA—For more than fifty years, The Beatles have been hailed as the greatest band of all time, boasting more than 600 million records sold. Since the formation of the group in 1960, many have considered them to be the pinnacle of commercial success and cultural impact. But does that make their music good? No. In…
PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert. “When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger…
LIBE SLOPE—Among the thousands of enthusiastic attendees ready to partake in the Slope Day festivities is Daniel Sebastian ‘22, whose only motivation for showing up is the wholesome and thorough consumption of music. “You don’t need drugs or alcohol to enjoy EDM, especially not during the daytime,” said Sebastian. “I can’t wait to sing all…
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I…
