Author Archives: Nooz Staff

CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December.  “As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we Read More

Facebook Commenter’s Description of “Cornell’s Good Old Days” Just Sounds Like Jim Crow Era South

SILER CITY, NC—In response to a Cornell Daily Sun article on campus diversity initiatives, Facebook user Alfred “Al” Dickinson ‘55 utlized the comment section to express his desire for a return to a bygone era in the university’s history—one that was apparently strongly reminiscent of the American South during the Read More

OP-ED: If The Beatles Were So Good, Why Did They Never Perform At Slope Day?

ITHACA—For more than fifty years, The Beatles have been hailed as the greatest band of all time, boasting more than 600 million records sold. Since the formation of the group in 1960, many have considered them to be the pinnacle of commercial success and cultural impact. But does that make Read More

Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break.  “It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, Read More

Students Low On Cash Can Now Give TCAT Bus Drivers a Kiss On The Lips As Payment

ITHACA—Tompkins County officials announced earlier this week that a new TCAT policy has been implemented that allows Cornell students to give bus drivers a smooch on the lips as an option of payment. Rick on route 81 has already become a fan favorite of students, some even boarding the bus Read More

Adventurous Student Makes Second-Favorite Breakfast Dish After 10-Day Streak of Cooking His Favorite

COLLEGETOWN— Alan McMillan ‘21 recently made the stunning decision to eschew his preferred breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast for his back-up choice of oatmeal with fresh fruit. “I really felt like I was getting in a rut, what with classes and never leaving my apartment,” McMillan said excitedly while Read More

Rivalry Between Student and Uma Thurman on Roommate’s Pulp Fiction Poster Intensifies

DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester. “I walk in, and there she is, just smoking Read More

Hookup Not Long Enough to Catch COVID or Make Her Orgasm

WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a Read More