ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December.
“As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been down in the dumps,” noted a spokesperson for CUPD. “Our new tickets are meant to remind people of the holiday spirit and bring a smile to their faces. When you get a ticket, we’re not just reminding you of your legal trouble. We’re also saying happy holidays!”
Multiple versions of the tickets will be rolled out, unique to the offense. Overtime meter tickets will be emblazoned with popular character Frosty the Snowman. Double parking tickets now feature two reindeer pulling a Santa’s sleigh. Most festive of all are the prohibited area tickets, which are shaped like Christmas trees.
“At first the $180 worth of tickets I had amassed made me want to break down in tears,” commented student Jerome Hyunh ‘22. “When I saw the sticker ornaments and glitter garlands on my Christmas tree ticket, though, it reminded me there’s more to life than the overwhelming despair I felt at the prospect of having to pay rent late for such a minor mishap!”
Plans are currently underway to replace the typical siren emitted by CUPD cars with an infinite loop of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” throughout the holiday season.