CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. 

“As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been down in the dumps,” noted a spokesperson for CUPD. “Our new tickets are meant to remind people of the holiday spirit and bring a smile to their faces. When you get a ticket, we’re not just reminding you of your legal trouble. We’re also saying happy holidays!” 

Multiple versions of the tickets will be rolled out, unique to the offense. Overtime meter tickets will be emblazoned with popular character Frosty the Snowman. Double parking tickets now feature two reindeer pulling a Santa’s sleigh. Most festive of all are the prohibited area tickets, which are shaped like Christmas trees. 

“At first the $180 worth of tickets I had amassed made me want to break down in tears,” commented student Jerome Hyunh ‘22. “When I saw the sticker ornaments and glitter garlands on my Christmas tree ticket, though, it reminded me there’s more to life than the overwhelming despair I felt at the prospect of having to pay rent late for such a minor mishap!” 

Plans are currently underway to replace the typical siren emitted by CUPD cars with an infinite loop of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” throughout the holiday season.

Facebook Commenter’s Description of “Cornell’s Good Old Days” Just Sounds Like Jim Crow Era South

SILER CITY, NC—In response to a Cornell Daily Sun article on campus diversity initiatives, Facebook user Alfred “Al” Dickinson ‘55 utlized the comment section to express his desire for a return to a bygone era in the university’s history—one that was apparently strongly reminiscent of the American South during the first half of the 20th century.

“Back in my day, we didn’t pretend like everyone belongs together all the time,” wrote Dickinson. “Cornell was best when my people lived up on the hill and those others lived down below. Now look at this mess! Ithaca? More like Itha-zuela!!!”

University records indicate that Dickinson, 87, graduated from CALS in 1955, although his Facebook profile indicates that he attended “The School of Hard Knocks.” Dickinson was born outside Fayetteville, Arkansas, and grew up on a sizable cotton farm owned by his father, Stonewall Dickinson, who also managed the only nearby convenience store. He later inherited the farm but moved to Siler City when Fayetteville got too “colorful” for his taste.

“Today’s Ivy League students are so dirty and lazy,” Dickinson continued. “The school lost all of its reputation from back when it was pure. It really disgusts me how all this ‘diversity and inclusion’ bullshit is putting black marks on Cornell’s snow-white reputation.”

At press time, other Facebook users braced for Dickinson’s inevitable screed after the Daily Sun posted an article on the SA disarmament vote.

OP-ED: If The Beatles Were So Good, Why Did They Never Perform At Slope Day?

ITHACA—For more than fifty years, The Beatles have been hailed as the greatest band of all time, boasting more than 600 million records sold. Since the formation of the group in 1960, many have considered them to be the pinnacle of commercial success and cultural impact. But does that make their music good? No. In fact, a lot of their music sucks. The most obvious example of their absurd over-adoration? They never even performed at Slope Day.

Comprised of history’s most beloved homophobic wifebeater John Lennon, Kanye West-collaborator Paul McCartney, George Harrison (irrelevant even then), and musical genius Ringo Starr, the quartet’s “revolutionary” discography has aged like a tub of yogurt forgotten in a communal fridge over winter break. 

Every year, Cornellians gather for a celebration of fine arts and fun, headlined by esteemed musical guests such as Pulitzer winner Kendrick Lamar and Steve Aoki (whose music has been described as “grind on a stranger while under the influence of what you hope was ecstasy”). Since the annual Naval Ball in 1890, Slope Day has showcased a variety of musical talent and has been an important part of campus culture. Interestingly enough, the Beatles, who critics have described as “the most important band of all time,” has never performed at Slope Day. 

Other venerable acts, like Drake (who has more “slaps” than The Beatles) have graced the stage, but the British group is noticeably absent from the lineup. How can they be considered the “greatest” if they never travelled from London to Ithaca for the preeminent celebration of arts and culture in upstate New York? 

When Slope Day was revived in 1977, why did the group not reunite to honor the rich history of the festival? Why has John Lennon not been able to book a live gig since the 1980s? The simple answer is that they weren’t that good to begin with. With musical pioneers like Snoop Dogg and Gym Class Heroes gracing the Slope, the student body has not longed for the cacophonous music of The Beatles.

The Beatles are only celebrated by people born before the iPod was invented and decent music was widely accessible. In the minds of Cornellians with taste, The Beatles are, and will always be, trash for their failure to meet the standard set by icons-in-the-making like Rico Nasty, who performed at Slope Day, an event that has consistently captured the zeitgeist of each generation. 

Student Returning Home Disappointed By Meal Plan Options

STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. 

“It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the variety of dishes I’ve come to expect from my meal providers. I mean, where’s my vegan cheeseless enchilada bake to go with Grandma’s classic beef stroganoff?”

Despite scrolling through both the Eatery app and NYTCooking to get a taste of what the bourgeoisie of Ithaca and New York are eating, Reed still yearns for the safe consistency of Rose’s Taco Tuesday or the comfortable dim sum of RPCC brunch. 

“I even made Alex’s favorite spaghetti and meatballs, but he just mumbled something about Sicilian sheet pizzas and tofu and broccoli with red chili garlic,” said Reed’s mother Lily.  “I can’t take another night of him crying into a plate of baked chicken with macaroni and cheese because some place called Apple always made it Kosher.” 

At press time, Reed was seen ordering Domino’s just like he did most nights at school.

Frustrated Student Stuck in Kids’ Breakout Room for Thanksgiving

LOS ANGELES, CA—With COVID-19 forcing Thanksgiving celebrations to be held virtually, Hannah Barnes ‘23 is frustrated that when the time came, she was moved to the kids’ breakout room for dinner.

“I’m mature, I like adult conversations, and I live on my own now. What’s the point of keeping me with the cousins if they’re all so much younger than me anyways?” asked Barnes. “We don’t even have remotely similar interests. I mean, all their Zoom backgrounds are gaming Youtubers. And the adults don’t want me in their room? I’m at Cornell, I figure that at least shows I have something to say.” 

During the course of the meal, Barnes reported she had to repeatedly mute her younger cousins, who were screaming “something about Minecraft.” Several of the cousins also disabled their cameras on accident, and one “accidentally” began screensharing a parody of Cardi B’s “WAP”, leading to Hannah frantically revoking sharing privileges. She also claimed she was kicked out of the main room when she attempted to infiltrate the adults’ conversation about “the stock market, or something.”

Reached out to comment, Barnes’ third-grade cousin Hunter replied “What’s a Corn-ell, this?”, while arranging his corn on the cob in the shape of an L. The rest of the cousins responded with raucous laughter and by launching peas at Barnes from a spoon. 

When asked why Barnes was not welcome in the adults’ Zoom conversation, the adults responded near-unanimously that they “just wanted her to have some nice bonding time with her cousins”, hoping that she would carry on their outdated family traditions when they stopped, as well as acknowledging her as the only one in the family who knew how to use Zoom’s Breakout Room tool. The only standout was Barnes’ Uncle Frank, who did not want Hannah in the room on account of her being a “liberal snowflake.”

Students Low On Cash Can Now Give TCAT Bus Drivers a Kiss On The Lips As Payment

ITHACA—Tompkins County officials announced earlier this week that a new TCAT policy has been implemented that allows Cornell students to give bus drivers a smooch on the lips as an option of payment.

Rick on route 81 has already become a fan favorite of students, some even boarding the bus with no destination in mind just to get a kiss from the fellow. Freshman Marcus Schulze described what he likes so much about kissing Rick: “Is it the scratch of his thick, ginger beard on the corners of my lips as we connect? The salty taste of the tuna he had for lunch in his saliva? Or is it the gentle grasp of his calloused hands on my supple cheeks? It’s everything.”

The new TCAT policy has proven to be wildly popular, so much so that Tompkins County has begun rolling out their newest rewards program, where riders can get a free bus ride after ten smooches, and a free full year bus pass after having sex with their bus driver of choice.

While some of the more unattractive bus drivers have welcomed the rewards program with open arms, other drivers such as Eunice, who drives on route 30, have already denied this privilege to a majority of students who she calls “uglies.” 

“Eunice was playing hard to get for a while, but I knew that with my stunning looks, athletic build, and empty wallet that there was no way she could deny a ride and a snog from someone like me. The rumors of her kisses reminding you of the ‘comfort and warmth of the womb’ were definitely true,” said Dale Springer ‘22.

As a result of this new policy, students around campus have reported their fellow classmates having fresher breath and looking overall way sexier for their favorite TCAT bus driver.

Adventurous Student Makes Second-Favorite Breakfast Dish After 10-Day Streak of Cooking His Favorite

COLLEGETOWN Alan McMillan ‘21 recently made the stunning decision to eschew his preferred breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast for his back-up choice of oatmeal with fresh fruit.

“I really felt like I was getting in a rut, what with classes and never leaving my apartment,” McMillan said excitedly while boiling some water in preparation. “And I’d gotten some nice looking blueberries at Wegman’s, so I thought, ‘what the heck!’ and got a little crazy.” 

McMillan’s roommate Christopher Liang confirmed that McMillan had successfully broken his 10-day long streak of “honestly mediocre and pretty unseasoned eggs” with a healthier, lighter, and equally unflavorful breakfast. McMillan meal exploration did not extend so far as to alter his choice of drinkshe stuck with his daily glass of orange juice, with which, he said, he “takes [his] vitamins.”

McMillan embraced a brand new mantra while cooking, which guided him throughout all of his culinary risks. “Life is about taking adventures, and that applies to cooking. To incorporate that, I boil water for the oats on medium-high, and not just medium. Then after the oats are cooked, I add blueberries, strawberries, and coconut flakes for their exoticness. I top it off with a dash of cinnamon, which I know could be way too spicy for some people, but I like to experience different cultures.” 

McMillan is reportedly figuring out what his next great risk will be. At press time he was debating between “lighting a brand new candle in lieu of usual half-full ones or switching out his 2-in-1 body wash for a 3-in-1.”

Rivalry Between Student and Uma Thurman on Roommate’s Pulp Fiction Poster Intensifies

DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester.

“I walk in, and there she is, just smoking a cigarette, though my second cousin by marriage had just died from smoking-caused COPD 4 months prior,” said Tinsley, referring to the poster of the character Mia Wallace, played by Uma Thurman, smoking a cigarette on a bed, “I mean, cruel much?” 

The animosity only festered, Tinsley explained, as Uma refused to back down or lower her sultry, come-hither gaze. Not only did she feel terrorized by the gun perched by Uma’s hand, but the poster-star challenged Tinsley in her role as room 215’s resident fashionista. “That art hoe bitch with her trendy micro-bangs thinks she’s better than me,” said Tinsley.

While the rivalry has not yet come to physical violence, the tension has escalated to an aggressive staring contest that Tinsely, despite her corporeal disadvantage, swears she “will not back down from.”

By press time, Tinsley’s roommate’s amazon-purchased poster has not responded to a request for comment.

Breaking! This Unlikely Duo Finally “Get Lunch Sometime!”

COLLEGETOWN— In an unexpected turn of events, seniors Lara Murphy ‘21 and Janet Barr ‘21 finally met up for lunch after two years of half-heartedly ending their random encounters with,“We should get lunch sometime!”

“At this point, I never really expected it to happen,” said an incredulous Barr. “We had an FWS together freshman year, and after that whenever we passed each other on campus, we said our polite ‘hello’s, ‘so good to see you’s. We would always end saying, ‘let’s 100% definitely get lunch!’ but I never intended to follow through.” 

“Ever heard of an empty gesture?” asked Murphy, exasperated by the latest development in her and Barr’s acquaintanceship. “I saw Janet the other day walking by CTB, and I thought we’d do our usual charade where we say we’d get lunch, but before I knew it, there we were, eating salads and making small talk.”

Passerbys witnessed Murphy and Barr awkwardly catching up, asking vague questions about each other’s majors and feigning interest in the other person’s response. Each took turns going to the bathroom to escape the painful silences. 

“I don’t know why we did this,” said Barr. “I even asked her to put her mask on, just so I could pretend not to hear her and kill time.” 

Eventually the two left the restaurant, forcefully smiling and laughing, agreeing they couldn’t wait “to do this again soon.”


Hookup Not Long Enough to Catch COVID or Make Her Orgasm

WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish.

“Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my hands, the whole shebang,” said Burtley. “But in accordance with policy, I have avoided kissing and using my tongue or fingers in any way that would be remotely satisfying to a female, to prevent the spread of germs of course.”

As per public health recommendations, Burtley made sure any genital to genital interaction he had lasted less than ten minutes, the estimated minimum time for viral transmission. However, being the budding virology expert he is, Burtley went above and beyond to ensure any such interactions lasted no more than five. 

“I respect the fact that he’s taking this whole COVID thing really seriously,” said Burtley’s latest partner, Lily Harrison ‘23. “Sure, he didn’t go down on me, slip a finger in there, or make me feel anything close to sexual excitement for the five minutes he was here, but it really goes to show how much he cares about his health and mine!”

Burtley has since become an asymptomatic carrier, and plans on practicing these same health precautions with the next woman he leaves unsatisfied.