WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish.
“Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my hands, the whole shebang,” said Burtley. “But in accordance with policy, I have avoided kissing and using my tongue or fingers in any way that would be remotely satisfying to a female, to prevent the spread of germs of course.”
As per public health recommendations, Burtley made sure any genital to genital interaction he had lasted less than ten minutes, the estimated minimum time for viral transmission. However, being the budding virology expert he is, Burtley went above and beyond to ensure any such interactions lasted no more than five.
“I respect the fact that he’s taking this whole COVID thing really seriously,” said Burtley’s latest partner, Lily Harrison ‘23. “Sure, he didn’t go down on me, slip a finger in there, or make me feel anything close to sexual excitement for the five minutes he was here, but it really goes to show how much he cares about his health and mine!”
Burtley has since become an asymptomatic carrier, and plans on practicing these same health precautions with the next woman he leaves unsatisfied.