Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. 

“Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students whether they were safe to socialize two weeks ago or if they have exposed their entire social circle to COVID, with an astonishing 67% accuracy. We believe these sluggish tests will be key to reopening campus within the next fourteen years.”

Unlike the sluggish tests, President Pollack moved quickly to shut down criticism of the new testing regimen.

“Many students have asked why we would switch to sluggish tests when there are faster and more accurate COVID tests available,” the email continued. “In the interest of providing students with a sense of stability in this unpredictable pandemic, we have decided to lower COVID testing to the level of the rest of our ineffective and bogged-down healthcare system. Additionally, the money saved on tests can go to more urgent matters, such as our seventh continuous semester of construction on North Campus.”

The email concluded by cautioning students that due to server outages at Cayuga Medical Center, students may not receive their results for up to three months.

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest.

“At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25. “The flavors of dead rat, gamer sweat, rotten food from Nastie’s… it smelled weirdly familiar. It was only when I started seeing upperclassmen faint from the odor, and the freshman protestors sort of just shrug it off, that I realized I was smelling the despair and disgust of a freshman dorm in tear gas form.”

The deployment of Freshman Dorm Smell tear gas is banned under the Geneva Convention, but Cornell’s use of the brutal protest suppressor demonstrated the administration’s desire to prevent the Maskless Monday protests from growing further. Leaders of the Maskless Monday Movement have reportedly already filed a complaint against Cornell at the United Nations for the use of this illegal, deadly chemical.

“Use of this toxin does not come to us lightly,” explained Cornell Riot Police Chief Reston Angler. “We reserve the right to deploy Freshman Dorm Smell only when a peaceful protest descends into an illegal, violent riot. The effects have been proven to work: if rioters don’t faint immediately from the smell, they cry profusely at the deep sorrow contained within it and convulse from the enriched chemical compounds of Gamer Sweat and Halitosis. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have any effect on freshmen themselves, since they’re kinda used to it.”

As the gas was being deployed Monday, protest leaders, many of them frat brothers, reportedly screamed “GAS MASKS ON!” only to yell, “Sike!”, high-fiving and laughing in their commitment to the Anti-Mask cause as they began to lose consciousness and became immobilized from the stench.

OP-ED: Saying “Don’t Come to Class When You’re Sick” Discriminates Against Cornell’s Sickly Little Victorian Boy Population

My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at stake. Telling students to stay home when sick is a direct attack on the sickly little Victorian boy population.

As sickly little Victorian boys, telling us to only come to class when well ensures that we shall never be in class. There is no telling what dangers may assault a sickly little Victorian boy, such as tuberculosis, reading by candlelight, or The Miseries. On my way to Oceans lecture this very Wednesday, I caught chill from the advanced speed with which my horse-drawn carriage proceeded down the cobblestones towards central campus. Should I stay home every time I feel my humors become unbalanced, I would never attend class at all. 

Missing class is especially difficult on a Victorian child such as myself. I try to collect notes from my classmates, but by the time their carrier pigeons arrive at my window I find the prelim has already passed. My father disapproves of this correspondence with the common folk, limited as it is, and often uses the pigeons for riflery practice to teach me a lesson. I have sought to protest, but my choler elevates with worrisome rapidity, and thus I am resigned. I am so lonely in my bedroom, attended to by none but the nurse who mops my fevered brow as I shake like a willow branch in the wind. What is the point of taking a 50-50 mixture of laudanum and cocaine if I cannot then allow myself to be surrounded by 300 of my closest friends as I cough blood into a satin handkerchief? ‘Tis cruelty, dare I say, cruel—

—Mamá? Is that you, here to bring me to heaven? You look so young, and the light is so beautiful. Don’t cry for me, Papá. I am not afraid. The light, it takes away my pain. Goodbye forever, Cornell, goodbye—

Alas, ‘twas but a phantasm wrought by the plagued recesses of my spirit. I must establish swift correspondence with CAPS ere these ghoulish apparitions further impinge upon my coursework. But who am I, a sickly little Victorian boy, to seek counseling in this uncaring university? I can but pray the superintendents pity my woeful pleas.

OP-ED: The Way I Got the Vaccine is Actually Ethical, I Promise

I am a simple man, really.  Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify for the vaccine across five different categories (six on a good day). 

Yes, you heard me right, I am ethically immune: no antibodies or terror necessary. My aforementioned fellow students admittedly have not asked about my journey to the mythical land of Syracuse, but my travels there were valiant. Driving back down Route 81, frigid wind in my no longer immunocompromised hair, it felt good to be the hero. I was Odysseus, and this was my Odyssey. 

Back in Ithaca, few things in life feel as good as being the literal savior of my friend group. Although they do not yet see my power, I am certain they soon will. Yesterday, I invited them all over to spit in my mouth, just for fun! When was the last time someone spit in any of their mouths, much less 7 people? Exactly. Those virgins could not even begin to compete with me. 

Four magnificent days have elapsed since my second dosage, and although the “I’m Vaccinated!” the sticker has kept its tantalizing allure, it is beginning to lose its adhesiveness. Do not worry though, I just bought some scotch tape for this exact purpose. I shall don my prize another day. 


Weird New COVID Guidelines Recommend Making Direct Eye Contact with Employees During Surveillance Testing

BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten.

“I was confused when the latest email from Cornell Health directed us to ‘cautiously but firmly eye your tester while tracing your hand in broad, arcing circles about your nostril,’” said Emily Nguyen ‘23. “I’m no doctor, but I don’t understand how this is supposed to help keep COVID under control on campus.”

The guidelines, which also suggest that those being tested should begin the process by “softly and sensually whispering your NetID into the employee’s ear like an agent in some clandestine operation, transferring sensitive information that only they can know,” has been met with a tepid response from the student body.

“I guess they haven’t screwed up so far, so it’s only fair to give them the benefit of the doubt,” said Murray Evanson ‘24. “A little bit of evidence would be nice, though. I clicked on a link at the bottom of the page that said it would give more information about the change, but it just took me straight to Dr. Anthony Fauci’s bio on the Weill notable alumni page.”

Recent records indicate that since Cornell implemented the new policy, positive COVID tests at the school have dropped to zero per day.


President Pollack Announces Greek Life Members to Be Swabbed Every Thirty Minutes

DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes.

“Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will be able to eat, sleep, or do body shots off a stranger’s belly button without stopping every thirty minutes to be nasally penetrated by four inches of hard, unyielding q-tip.”

A fraternity brother started to protest, but was immediately silenced by a figure in a hazmat suit firing a modified rifle that blasted a swab directly into his nose, leaving his body twitching over the Zoom feed. Pollack could be heard describing the scene as “Now that’s takin’ care of business, Martha-style” before resuming her speech. 

“This thirty minute thing is just the beginning. You cough once? That’s a supplemental corona test. Make eye contact with another person? Supplemental corona test. And by god, brother, if we catch you at a party the only thing that’s stopping this foot from going directly up your ass is that there’ll be a corona swab there already.” 

Pollack concluded her speech by politely assuring students that, as always, any houses who didn’t want to follow the new rules could have one of their alumni send Cornell a large check. 

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. 

“My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars, intramurals, peeing off balconies, you know, the whole shebang. Then around June he stopped and told me to make the best of what I had,” said Jackson as he scrolled through the list of family members who were dead to him. “I was promised parties every day, life-changing professors, and a chance encounter in the rain with my future wife. What the fuck, Dad?” 

Jackson reserved a portion of his righteous anger for his other family members too. 

“Even my uncle, legendary UMich frat star and current high school football coach, is scared to talk about college with me,” said Jackson. “But like why? I’m okay. I’m totally fine. This is just how I imagined these four years. It’s not like they filled my head with unreasonable expectations and then hoped that I would forget them. Right?” 

At press time, Jackson was found wistfully scrolling through Instagram’s backlog of old Slope Day pictures while his parents huddled together in their office brainstorming a list of safe, non-college related topics to talk to their son about.

Panicked Student Relieved After Googling “Is Urine Burning A COVID Symptom?”

MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated.

“It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before continuing, “I felt my life flash before my eyes. I had met up with a new girl from Tinder the night before and it didn’t even occur to me that she could’ve had the ‘Rona until I woke up. Thank God the first page of Google has a list of symptoms otherwise I would’ve had to get tested, like I had an infectious disease or something.”

Thankfully for Moses, neither the CDC nor any other credible health organization has found painful urination to be a symptom of the virus which has been considered a global pandemic since March. A burning sensation whilst urinating is often associated with another viral disease, which Moses seemed to have no knowledge of.

“I’m no ginger, but oh boy do I feel like a firecrotch!” exclaimed the sophomore when asked if he had any theories about the source of his calamity. “Honestly, I’m just relieved that I don’t have to quarantine, that would be such a cockblock. I have another Tinder hookup coming over and it would’ve been a total bummer to cancel on this rocket.”

When asked if he had purchased condoms in anticipation of his guest’s arrival, Moses appeared puzzled at the concept, replying: “I wear a mask so I don’t get COVID, but I wouldn’t wear a poncho on Splash Mountain, kinda defeats the point, you know? Stay safe, but Live Mas.”

5,000 Surveillance Tests Per Day No Match for Geoff and Stacey from Montgomery, AL

HO PLAZA—Despite conducting tens of thousands of tests for Covid-19 every week, Cornell Health‘s efforts paled in comparison to the threat posted by tourists Geoff and Stacey Vanderblum from Montgomery, Alabama.

“I’m not about to let some little flu ruin my life forever,” said a maskless Mr. Vanderblum, 59, while walking around campus. “It’s always been a dream of ours to visit Cornell and talk closely with the students, crowd into the narrow area behind McGraw Tower, and touch all of the famous monuments. Why should we give that up now?”

The Vanderblums attended Geoff’s cousin’s niece’s large indoor wedding in Mobile—now considered by the CDC to have been a “superspreader event”—a few days prior to their visit. Though they exhibited no outward signs of the deadly virus, university officials identify them as being directly or indirectly responsible for 62 new cases on the Cornell campus, with contact tracing lagging far behind the necessary number to contain new transmission.

“Me? I don’t have the coronavirus, no,” Mrs. Vanderblum said as the Statler Hotel’s isolation rooms quickly filled with students who had come into contact with the visitors. “It’s my Constitutional right not to wear a mask, and I fully intend to exercise that.”

At press time, the Vanderblums were spotted eating at a restaurant in Collegetown, but complained that the food “didn’t taste like anything.”

Hookup Not Long Enough to Catch COVID or Make Her Orgasm

WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish.

“Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my hands, the whole shebang,” said Burtley. “But in accordance with policy, I have avoided kissing and using my tongue or fingers in any way that would be remotely satisfying to a female, to prevent the spread of germs of course.”

As per public health recommendations, Burtley made sure any genital to genital interaction he had lasted less than ten minutes, the estimated minimum time for viral transmission. However, being the budding virology expert he is, Burtley went above and beyond to ensure any such interactions lasted no more than five. 

“I respect the fact that he’s taking this whole COVID thing really seriously,” said Burtley’s latest partner, Lily Harrison ‘23. “Sure, he didn’t go down on me, slip a finger in there, or make me feel anything close to sexual excitement for the five minutes he was here, but it really goes to show how much he cares about his health and mine!”

Burtley has since become an asymptomatic carrier, and plans on practicing these same health precautions with the next woman he leaves unsatisfied.