DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. “Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students…
DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest. “At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25….
My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at…
I am a simple man, really. Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify…
BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten. “I was confused when the latest email from Cornell…
DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes. “Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will be able to eat, sleep,…
Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. “My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars,…
MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…
HO PLAZA—Despite conducting tens of thousands of tests for Covid-19 every week, Cornell Health‘s efforts paled in comparison to the threat posted by tourists Geoff and Stacey Vanderblum from Montgomery, Alabama. “I’m not about to let some little flu ruin my life forever,” said a maskless Mr. Vanderblum, 59, while walking around campus. “It’s always…
WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my…
