Tag Archives: coronavirus

Ithaca Bar Scene Not Good Enough to Warrant Anti-Lockdown Protests

Ashley He/Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one Read More

Lucky Student Manages to Snag Thirty Free Tables in Temple of Zeus During Lunch Rush

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—Scrambling to beat the lunch rush at Temple of Zeus, Jackson France ’23 was elated to find the thirty tables he wanted all free.  “I’m always extra vigilant on Mac and Cheese Day because I know how cutthroat it can get,” explained France. “I didn’t expect to get Read More

Entire Nation Way Too High and Paranoid to Leave House Right Now

USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment. “It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor Read More

Student Researcher Figures Journals Will Understand if They Guesstimate the Last Bit

CORNELL LAB OF ORNITHOLOGY—After being barred from entering her lab, student researcher Rose Schwartz ‘21 speculated that scientific journals would cut her some slack if she fudged the numbers a little bit in her study of bird genomics. “I understand that publications like Science and Nature have pretty high standards Read More

OP-ED: I Need Universal Pass Because My Step-Sister Keeps Getting Stuck in the Dryer and Needs My Help

Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact Read More

Student Uses Extended Break to Rediscover Love of Being Terrible at Hobbies

TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts.  “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any Read More

Ivy League Athletes Overjoyed They Can Always Say They “Would’ve Been Good This Season”

FRIEDMAN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING CENTER—Following the NCAA’s cancellation of spring athletes’ season, Cornell student-athletes were giddy to tell their fans and friends that this year was different, and they would have won it all. “This season was definitely the one. Our coach purchased us these new clubs with carbon fiber Read More

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom. “Obviously, we wish Read More

“I’m Really Worried About Coronavirus,” Says Student Who Literally Drank Piss During Rush

STATLER HALL—As concern mounts over the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, Jonah Frayer ’23 has been telling everyone he knows about the hygiene issues that led to the virus’s spread, despite drinking actual human urine during this semester’s rush festivities. “It’s such a crisis. The incubation period is  a Read More