THE STATLER HOTEL— Ellie Rosario ‘23 intentionally exposed herself to the novel coronavirus earlier this week in an attempt to escape “the cunts (Jessica Dunst ‘22, Annie Patterson ‘22, and Minnie Davis ‘22) [she] lives with.”
When one of her sorority sisters, Alice May ‘22, mentioned her boyfriend on the lacrosse team had recently tested positive, Rosario sped over to her apartment, proceeding to frantically lick various doorknobs and tissues in their waste bin. She and May would both go on to develop COVID-19.
“I know it’s frowned upon to get corona on purpose, but I had to get out of this house for a couple weeks,” said Rosario. “I signed this lease last September before I knew Jessica was a sociopathic liar who can’t stop talking down to other people for no reason.”
Despite multiple trips to the emergency room and a fever of 102 degrees, she says she is enjoying her current “bitch vacation. “At least here I know Annie won’t steal my clothes and then act like she just bought the exact same thing,” added Rosario.
When asked why these new cases weren’t added to COVID-19 dashboard, Cornell explained that all of the students who tested positive in this case cluster were Virgos who couldn’t be added to the dashboard until Mercury was in retrograde.