Tag Archives: Housing

11th Plague of Egypt Descends Upon Command Strip Section of Bed Bath & Beyond

BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives. “It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” Read More

Open-Faced Meatball Sub Stuck to Wall of Lounge Really Bringing the Community Together

MEWS HALL – After Derek G., class of 2022, hurled his open-faced meatball sub against the Mews 3-East study lounge, “Now that everyone has something to talk about, things have become a lot more sociable!” reported residence hall director Jenna F. “Things were pretty desolate before the sub…I hadn’t made Read More

Ithaca Landlords Prepare for Annual Withholding of Security Deposits

COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits. “Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security Read More

Ithaca Landlords Continue $80 Million Heist in Plain Sight

SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like Read More

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to Read More

OP-ED: Thanks To Mixed-Gender Housing Rules, I Can Finally Become Friends With Girls

The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends. The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can Read More