WEST CAMPUS—Hoping to snag a coveted slot on West Campus, numerous rising sophomores were disappointed to learn that they would instead be living nowhere. While many housing lottery participants had worried that they might end up in Cascadilla Hall, they had not thought to worry that the Department of Housing & Residential Life would forget to count the number of beds.
“We didn’t really think this could happen,” explained Danika Sprout, Director of Cornell HRL. “I guess we could’ve compared the available rooms with the number of students signed up for room selection, but I don’t like to have too many tabs open at once. And we just built all those new buildings. Look at ‘em, they’re huge! I thought we could fit like two thousand students in each one. Maybe even fifteen hundred!”
The completely predictable yet entirely unexpected crisis has sent the HRL Department into a quantitative frenzy. Multiple staffers were observed trying to use an abacus with great difficulty while another group checked a dictionary to learn what the words “single” and “double” meant.
One particularly enterprising official attempted to tally up all the dorms on campus, but was forced to give up after running out of whiteboard space. However, the office was able to conclusively determine that there were at least “this many” available beds.
“Who would’ve known there were so many students?” questioned Sprout, describing the responsibilities of her own position. “There’s like fifteen people walking by outside my window right now, I’m sure we have that many rooms.”
This complete administrative failure has caught the eye of University higher-ups, who are eager to crack down on the responsible parties. Unfortunately, their investigation has proven difficult due to a complete absence of records concerning how many people work in the HRL Department, who they are, and where they live.
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