Cornell to Begin Construction on $100 Million New Gorge Connecting Fall Creek and Cascadilla

BAKER ARCH—This morning President Martha Pollack announced that the University will begin immediate construction on an ambitious $100 million gorge which will connect Fall Creek to Cascadilla.

“While I understand that some students may want these millions of dollars to go to our underfunded mental health services or our critical lack of housing,” said President Pollack, “it strikes me as deeply unfair that students who live on North Campus and in Collegetown get to see a beautiful gorge on their walk to campus while those on West have to trudge up the slope every day without a single gorge in sight.”

Becker House resident Keiren Frankson ‘21 was extremely excited about the idea. “I was just talking to my mom about how I never see the gorges because I live on West Campus,” she said while wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” sweatshirt. “Sure, my roommate was crying earlier because her financial aid got reduced to help fund the new gorge, but the view is gonna be amazing!”

Chief of Police Kathy Zoner also wholeheartedly endorsed the move, stating that the campus would now be “far more easily fortifiable on three out of four sides.”

OP-ED: Thanks To Mixed-Gender Housing Rules, I Can Finally Become Friends With Girls

The University just announced a sweeping change that allows male and female students to room together on West Campus, which means I will finally be able to make female friends.

The change comes after years of maintaining an archaic policy built upon the misguided preconception that boys and girls can only be enemies or lovers, and nothing in between.

After a multitude of unsuccessful attempts at building meaningful relationships with every girl I interact with in classes, dorms, and parties, I came to realize that the main reason no friendships were blossoming was because I couldn’t live with any of them.

Now, with the capability of sharing a living space with the opposite gender, I am positive that I can develop a sense of kinship with at least one, if not multiple, female peers.

And who knows, thanks to this policy change, someday I may even be living with a girlfriend.

Freshman Elects to Stay Anonymous After Winning 5 PM Housing Lottery Slot

DONLON HALL — The lucky winner of a coveted 5 PM time slot and a single in Bethe Hall during the housing lottery for the upcoming fall semester does not want to be the subject of mass media frenzy or be in the public eye whatsoever, and has elected to collect her winnings but remain anonymous.

“I knew that I’d been blessed and that my life would change forever for the better when I first got my time slot, but I’d, at the same time, like to keep my anonymity. I just think my life would be way easier. I just don’t want anyone to think that I’m special or be put on a pedestal. I just got lucky,” said the freshman at a press conference with a bag over her head, whose relationships with her close friends had already been affected by her receipt of the favorable time slot.

Cornell is one of a handful of universities that allow housing lottery winners to remain anonymous. Many people would kill to get the spacious West Campus room that was up for grabs, and the option of not having ones name out in the public eye is guaranteed to keep students safer.

Critics have maintained that allowing winners to keep their winning slots but remain anonymous interferes with the transparency of the randomized process, a necessary component to communicate the idea that housing selection is fair for all students.

The majority of students who were not so lucky with housing will have to wait and try their luck scrambling for apartments in Collegetown during the Ithaca Renting free-for-all next October.