Walk-In Closet? All My Clothes Are On The Floor

CASCADILLA HALL—Architecture major Barry Kletz ‘26 completed major renovations on his Cascadilla single after he converted his previously drab living space into a fabulous walk-in closet by simply leaving all his laundry on the floor for an entire week.

“Having all the clothes right here in front of me has enabled outfits I would’ve never thought possible,” said Kletz, wearing a gray hoodie and jeans. “I never would’ve paired those shorts with that T-shirt yesterday, but since all my other shirts smell like the Okenshields wok station, the decision was easy! I used to be  paralyzed by choice, but now each morning I just pick the most ‘presentable’ option and call it a day.”

After nearly emptying his wardrobe, Kletz has also made use of the new storage space created by his new fashion-forward dormitory setup. Shelves that were previously useless due to the folded shirts and underwear that occupied them can now be used to store loose pieces of paper and half eaten bags of Tostitos Hint of Lime chips. The laundry heap also serves as a perfect resting place for Kletz’s collection of open cardboard boxes and Amazon packages. While most students would have simply thrown them away, Kletz has created yet another organizational marvel by simply placing his belongings into the loose boxes, ensuring that he can never actually get rid of them.

“I should’ve never done my laundry,” commented Priya Greene ‘26, one of Kletz’s numerous adoring floormates. “When I look at what Barry has done with his dorm, I can’t help but be jealous. I think of all the time I spend folding my clothes and putting them on shelves just to unfold them later, what’s it all for? Barry’s got it all right at his fingertips, what a genius.”

Kletz’s pile of unwashed linens has proved to be beneficial in more ways than one. Aside from clothing organization and storage, the clothy lump also makes a great place to lay down and take a nap without having to walk all the way to the bed.

OP-ED: The Wrappers, Clothes, And Toxic Debris Underneath My Bed Are For Intruder Protection, Not Because I Am A Slob

As a proud Cornell student and responsible youth, I care about crime. Stealing is mean and I would certainly not do it. People break into people’s rooms and that is scary because if it could happen to them, it could happen to me, and I do not want that to happen to me. Perhaps hiding under another’s bed while sleeping is something someone may do, and that—like all crime—is bad. 

As a mature and rational young adult, I was of course concerned of such a happenstance occurring in my place of residence. I looked over to my roommate’s bed and saw, to my horror, so much wide open space—a smooth floor just waiting to be laid on! Luckily, my under-the-bed conditions are considerably different. My roommate sometimes calls me “a dirtbag” and tells me “he thinks he hears rats under there”, and I am so glad that we have similar senses of humor and are able to joke around like that. Little does he know that any stranger can at any point be under his bed—even, perhaps, while he is laying on it.

Like all average, busy, hard-working undergraduates preparing to enter the workforce, I do not always have time to keep my room as neat and tidy as I would like. Would that I collect an unexpected amount of flyers from some spontaneous Club Fest event, or check out artsy and mysterious library books that I would like to like to enjoy, or discover a curious sweatshirt left by a friend that I mean to give back but always seem to forget… where am I to stow such a myriad of miscellaneous items if not under the very place I lay my most vulnerable? I have accepted that once something perhaps rolls underneath my bed or falls down the side, the universe meant for me to part ways with it. Lo and behold, the very objects that I never necessarily wanted but ultimately got, the crumbs on the floor that are not major enough for a vacuum but still noticeable enough in size and number, the bustling city of empty chip bags and dust underneath my bed—all have amounted to an ingenious, ecological, foolproof home security system this entire time! I surely would not want to lay down there, and I cannot imagine that an intruder would want to either. 

Truthfully, it is a primal instinct to form a nest with all of life’s necessities, and I am but a creature of circumstances like any hygienic and normal person with a bed, space underneath a bed, and knickknacks with no place to go. Any hooligan who may intrude and may see my bed and may even be so compelled as to lay underneath it would at the same time see the spacious and clean quarters beneath my roommate’s bed, and thus definitely lay under there instead. Only a fearless, tactically-trained expeditioner, the likes of which this world has yet to see, could brave the rapidly developing ecosystem that occupies the area between my mattress and the floor. It has recently developed its own weather cycle and appears to be growing new life, as little whatnots and assorted thingamabobs seem to get there somehow. I am increasingly suspicious that anything anyone ever loses ends up under there, and I fear that soon I will no longer be able to handle its expansion.

But I can sleep safe and sound knowing that out of all the beds out there, no mischievous intruder could ever lay under mine.

“You Guys Have Lights?” Low Rise 8 Inhabitant Totally Unaware of Campus-Wide Power Outage

HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER—Low Rise 8 residents were completely unaware of the recent campus-wide power outage, due to no apparent change in their daily routine. Students in the oft-forgotten International Living Center have become accustomed to a dorm without lights, and many thought it was the norm for on-campus living. 

Bella Montes ‘26, an inhabitant of Low Rise 8, displayed outright shock upon learning of the lighting privileges granted to the other buildings. “I knew that some things—asbestos in the walls of the triples, the family of squirrels stuck in the laundry room window, and gaping holes in the lounge ceiling—were particular to the Low Rise culture. But lights? I thought we all suffered in the darkness together,” she exclaimed. 

The revelation occurred after Montes received a text from a friend living in Hu Shih Hall asking if power had come back on yet. Montes was perplexed, because such a text implied that freshman dorms had lighting in the first place. She struggled to accept the truth: “I figured it was a joke. I mean what’s next, dorms with heat? Running water?” 

The university declined to comment on the disparity of amenities within the dorms of North Campus. In any case, Low Rise 8 fared quite well during the brief power outage, proceeding with business as usual. Residents were spotted doing homework by candlelight and wandering their suites with candelabras.

11th Plague of Egypt Descends Upon Command Strip Section of Bed Bath & Beyond

BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives.

“It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” said Cashier Josephine Selter  “So loud, so frenetic. But as quick as it began, it was over. All that remained were the tattered remains of 20% coupons blowing through the empty aisles.”  

Alastor Odobe ’23 arrived at the home goods store long after the plague had hit.  “All my friends had decorated their rooms, so I figured that I should, like, put up a poster or something.  But bro, like, all the command strips were sold out. It’s chill, though” Odobe added, “I’ll just order some on Amazon, and maybe I’ll like get a sick poster of Megan Fox while I’m at it.”

There were some notable survivors of the chaos; miraculously, the $20 chrome plated command hooks remained unscathed. 

Crazy Motherfucker Regularly Wakes Up at 5:00AM

COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day.

“I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of coffee. “If I slept like that, I would be a certifiable goddamn kook.”

The ludicrous little shit decides to eat breakfast, go to the gym, and finish his homework all before he has to even think about packing up and heading to lecture. This insane son of a bitch doesn’t even have class until 10am. That’s five hours of unnecessary consciousness for this unhinged bastard.

In addition to waking up at the asscrack of dawn, Shultz decides every night to go to sleep by 9pm to ensure that he gets 8 full hours of rest like some Ted Bundy shit.

Freshman Faking Allergies to Live in Mews Deemed ‘Bratty’ by Roommate Using Alumni Connections

NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections.

“Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to live in an air conditioned dorm? To me, that’s really immature and elitist,” said Anderson, who was placed in the dorm as a result of her well-to-do family’s connections despite a lackluster high school career.

Anderson went on to state that she was placed in the dorm because she had written a personalized, persuasive note to her father’s old fraternity brother, Rick “Jackhammer” Moriarty, who is currently in charge of campus housing.

“I mean [Ella’s] just so frustrating,” said Park. “I got a doctor’s note from my parents, two very busy plastic surgeons, for a ‘mold allergy’ that I don’t have just to live in Mews, and I’m starting to think that I should have taken my chances in the lottery like everyone else. Even a forced triple in Low Rise 6 is starting to sound better than living with such a whiny, spoiled bitch.”

The two roommates hadn’t known one another before moving into their double in August, when neither Park nor Anderson would take out the trash or clean their communal space, as neither roommate had ever gone more than a week without a housekeeper to do it for them.

At presstime, Anderson’s mother was overheard on the phone with Gretchen Ritter complaining that her daughter’s placement in Chem 2070 was not inappropriate given her 4 on the Chemistry AP, while Park’s parents were drafting a letter to interim President Rawlings requesting a new TCAT route that better fits their daughter’s class schedule.

Freshman From Montana Excited To Be Forever Known as Person From Montana

MEWS HALL – Upon telling her new floormates that she was originally from Bozeman, Montana, freshman Diane Hollis ’20 is reportedly excited to be referred to as “that person from Montana” for the remainder of her collegiate career.

“Hey, you must be that girl from Montana, right? Oh cool,” said a fellow Mews resident from much more normal Michigan, leaving Hollis to wonder if she was giving off some sort of Montana vibe or if word of such a strange US resident had already made its way around the entire floor so quickly.

“What’s your name again? Ah never mind, I’ll just remember you as Montana Girl or maybe Hannah Montana or something clever and annoying like that. Can’t wait to see you around more!”

Later that evening, attention shifted away from Hollis for a bit when everyone on the floor discovered that her roommate was from the same hometown where Mister Rogers was born.

JAM Roommates Split Over Creative Differences

Photo by David Navadeh

JAM PROGRAM HOUSE  – Norman Samson and Benjamin Harrison, long-time roommates in Cornell’s music themed program house JAM have recently announced they are splitting up over “creative differences.”

“I really feel like we need to stay true to our roots,” said Harrison as he tearfully glanced at their old, dusty acoustic guitars. “But as the academic year has gone by, we just don’t see eye-to-eye on the direction of the group. It’s about time we go our separate ways.”

A spokesperson for the duo said that the roommates will pursue a solo career for the time being, with Samson looking to pursue a following in Mews Hall and Harrison considering space in Low Rise 7.

“The drugs, the fame, it all got to him. He just isn’t the roommate I used to know,” said Samson as he longingly reminisced about the good old days, back when they were just kids starting out.

While Samson commented that a reunion would be unlikely, his roommate was open to the idea as long as each agreed to respect the other’s artistic vision, stylistic choices and sleep schedule.

Freshman Running Out of Guesses for Who Hair in Donlon Shower Belongs To

DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor.

“Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet when I entered the shower this morning, there was definitely an oozing accretion of long blond hair on the edge of the drain. I’m baffled,” announced the exhausted freshman, tired from thinking about every conceivable possibility of how the hair got there.

“Maybe somebody had hair on the bottom of their flip flop before showering. Or maybe Jenny from the second floor needed to come upstairs and use this bathroom one day. I really hope that it’s not from Andrew’s girlfriend, because that means they were showering in there together and I’m not okay with that.”

Reports indicate that a similar crisis will most likely happen in a few weeks, when Parker will inevitably find a used condom in the bathroom garbage.