BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives.
“It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” said Cashier Josephine Selter “So loud, so frenetic. But as quick as it began, it was over. All that remained were the tattered remains of 20% coupons blowing through the empty aisles.”
Alastor Odobe ’23 arrived at the home goods store long after the plague had hit. “All my friends had decorated their rooms, so I figured that I should, like, put up a poster or something. But bro, like, all the command strips were sold out. It’s chill, though” Odobe added, “I’ll just order some on Amazon, and maybe I’ll like get a sick poster of Megan Fox while I’m at it.”
There were some notable survivors of the chaos; miraculously, the $20 chrome plated command hooks remained unscathed.
COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day.
“I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of coffee. “If I slept like that, I would be a certifiable goddamn kook.”
The ludicrous little shit decides to eat breakfast, go to the gym, and finish his homework all before he has to even think about packing up and heading to lecture. This insane son of a bitch doesn’t even have class until 10am. That’s five hours of unnecessary consciousness for this unhinged bastard.
In addition to waking up at the asscrack of dawn, Shultz decides every night to go to sleep by 9pm to ensure that he gets 8 full hours of rest like some Ted Bundy shit.
NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections.
“Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to live in an air conditioned dorm? To me, that’s really immature and elitist,” said Anderson, who was placed in the dorm as a result of her well-to-do family’s connections despite a lackluster high school career.
Anderson went on to state that she was placed in the dorm because she had written a personalized, persuasive note to her father’s old fraternity brother, Rick “Jackhammer” Moriarty, who is currently in charge of campus housing.
“I mean [Ella’s] just so frustrating,” said Park. “I got a doctor’s note from my parents, two very busy plastic surgeons, for a ‘mold allergy’ that I don’t have just to live in Mews, and I’m starting to think that I should have taken my chances in the lottery like everyone else. Even a forced triple in Low Rise 6 is starting to sound better than living with such a whiny, spoiled bitch.”
The two roommates hadn’t known one another before moving into their double in August, when neither Park nor Anderson would take out the trash or clean their communal space, as neither roommate had ever gone more than a week without a housekeeper to do it for them.
At presstime, Anderson’s mother was overheard on the phone with Gretchen Ritter complaining that her daughter’s placement in Chem 2070 was not inappropriate given her 4 on the Chemistry AP, while Park’s parents were drafting a letter to interim President Rawlings requesting a new TCAT route that better fits their daughter’s class schedule.
MEWS HALL – Upon telling her new floormates that she was originally from Bozeman, Montana, freshman Diane Hollis ’20 is reportedly excited to be referred to as “that person from Montana” for the remainder of her collegiate career.
“Hey, you must be that girl from Montana, right? Oh cool,” said a fellow Mews resident from much more normal Michigan, leaving Hollis to wonder if she was giving off some sort of Montana vibe or if word of such a strange US resident had already made its way around the entire floor so quickly.
“What’s your name again? Ah never mind, I’ll just remember you as Montana Girl or maybe Hannah Montana or something clever and annoying like that. Can’t wait to see you around more!”
Later that evening, attention shifted away from Hollis for a bit when everyone on the floor discovered that her roommate was from the same hometown where Mister Rogers was born.
JAM PROGRAM HOUSE – Norman Samson and Benjamin Harrison, long-time roommates in Cornell’s music themed program house JAM have recently announced they are splitting up over “creative differences.”
“I really feel like we need to stay true to our roots,” said Harrison as he tearfully glanced at their old, dusty acoustic guitars. “But as the academic year has gone by, we just don’t see eye-to-eye on the direction of the group. It’s about time we go our separate ways.”
A spokesperson for the duo said that the roommates will pursue a solo career for the time being, with Samson looking to pursue a following in Mews Hall and Harrison considering space in Low Rise 7.
“The drugs, the fame, it all got to him. He just isn’t the roommate I used to know,” said Samson as he longingly reminisced about the good old days, back when they were just kids starting out.
While Samson commented that a reunion would be unlikely, his roommate was open to the idea as long as each agreed to respect the other’s artistic vision, stylistic choices and sleep schedule.
DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor.
“Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet when I entered the shower this morning, there was definitely an oozing accretion of long blond hair on the edge of the drain. I’m baffled,” announced the exhausted freshman, tired from thinking about every conceivable possibility of how the hair got there.
“Maybe somebody had hair on the bottom of their flip flop before showering. Or maybe Jenny from the second floor needed to come upstairs and use this bathroom one day. I really hope that it’s not from Andrew’s girlfriend, because that means they were showering in there together and I’m not okay with that.”
Reports indicate that a similar crisis will most likely happen in a few weeks, when Parker will inevitably find a used condom in the bathroom garbage.